The Hell Inside My Head

Alessei gazed into her mirror, trying to reconcile with her own mind. A ragged creature stared back. Pallid, paper-thin skin stretched over fine bones. How could I ever love myself? Sometimes she wished that she wasn’t so thin, that her body wasn’t envied by the other girls. They don’t know what I went through for this. I never wanted it. I’d rather have even an ounce of fat on my body… She picked up the razor. I’m sorry, Mama. I tried to stop… but I have to. The glimmering blade inched closer to her upper arm.

A quiet knock at the door stopped her.

Her head jerked to the clock, which was blocked by a metal cage. Dammit. 2 PM already? How long have I been staring at myself? She stuffed the razor into the dresser drawer, nicking her hand in the process. Shit, that hurts. Alessei shoved her hand in her mouth and sucked on the wound. The knock sounded again.

“Coming!” she called.

Opening the door, she saw Crona’s tall, lean figure. He twisted a lock of his light pink hair and looked down.

“I was scared you weren’t here,” he said. “That you were messing with me when you said to drop by. It’s happened more than once before.”

Aless laughed, a little too loudly, trying to shake off the shock.

“Don’t worry. I’m not like that. Come on in. What do you think of my room? I just redecorated.”

Crona looked around with anxious eyes.

“I-I like it. It’s very… sleek.”

He spoke the truth. There was not a sharp edge in the room, and anything breakable was protected somehow. Stainless steel tubing accented the edge of the dresser, the desk, the headboard of the bed. The candles and their sconces were protected by steel bars, much like the clock. The window was closed.

“Yeah. I somehow feel… safer, without sharpness, you know? You got your books?”

He nodded.

“Great, let’s start.”

******
“So basically mitosis is the splitting of cells,” said Aless. “How that relates to what we’re doing in class, I don’t know. I’d say that Dr. Stein will probably explain it later, only he probably won’t. That man never teaches with the book.”

Crona giggled.

“Yeah, the tests would probably be a lot easier if he actually taught the material. You’re a much better teacher than him, in any case.”

They were on Alessei’s bed, Aless stretched out, Crona sitting next to her, legs crossed. Aless was sure she was red in the face, either from talking so much or from the jitteriness she always got when she was with someone she liked. In any case, she felt hot.

“Is it warm in here, or is it me?” She tugged at the collar of her dark green jacket. “I’m gonna open the window, ‘kay?”

“Thanks. It is a little stuffy in here.”

She flopped back onto the bed, sighing.

“Hey, you wanna take a break?” she asked. “My brain hurts. Although that might be because…” She glanced at the clock. “Ah, that explains it. It’s three o’ clock, on the dot.” She dug her bottle of pills out of the pocket of her skirt and popped one of the little red suckers in her mouth. Crona watched, confused.

“What’s that for?” he asked. “Are you sick?”

“In a sense.” She laughed without mirth. “I used to be a demon duster. These pills keep the cravings and withdrawal away.” When he looked at her blankly, she chuckled. “You don’t know what that is, do you? A demon duster?”

Crona shook his head, obviously lost.

“Well, let me tell you. See, when a kishin is killed, you can see their souls, right? That’s what the weapons eat. Well, what you can’t see is the invisible residue left by the souls. It looks like a red powder, and can only be seen by those with kishin blood. The powder’s called demon dust. It’s collected by underground dealers, those with the mixed blessing of a kishin parent. If humans eat it, it makes them sick. But if people like us eat it, weapons and meisters, they get a high. It’s highly addictive, and those addicts are called demon dusters.”

Crona nodded a little, as if he understood.

“But the downside is that if you use it too much, it starts to turn you into a demon. That’s what happened to me. I started turning, so I knew I had to quit. But even if you quit, what’s already been done can’t be reversed.” She gestured to her body. “That’s why I’m like this. All thin and pale. That’s why my eyes are wide, and my teeth…” She opened her mouth, pushing out her fangs. He barely flinched. “I’ll always look like this. And if I don’t take demon dust, I go into withdrawal. I vomit up blood and have convulsions. Nasty stuff, withdrawal. That’s why I take these pills. Three times a day, for the rest of my life. Understand now?”

He just nodded, seemingly in awe.

“Still wanna be friends with me?”

He nodded vigorously, silver eyes wide.

“Good. Than you’re a lot nicer than most people. I knew I could trust you.” She chuckled to herself. “Y’know, Rikita – that’s my meister - , she said that anybody could tell I was an addict by looking at me, unless they lived under a rock. I’m kind of shocked you didn’t know.” What skeletons are in your closet, little girl-boy?

“Y-yeah,” Crona stuttered. “I was… sheltered, in a sense, growing up. I wasn’t exposed to the things most people were. That’s why it’s hard for me to interact with others.” He paused. “Hey, Aless? When you asked me to be your partner in class, you said something when you asked my name. Something about matching a name to a face?”

Alessei laughed out loud, glad that the heavy talk was obviously over.

“Yeah. ‘And what name may I match to this lovely face?’ I talk like that sometimes. What about it?”

“I was wondering… did you mean it?” He was straining to get the words out, as if he were being choked by fear itself, his face a mask of anxiety. She decided to not even jokingly give him a hard time. To him, it wouldn’t be flirty. It would be cruel.

“What? About you being lovely?”

He bit his lip and gave a quick nod.

“’Course I meant it, Crona. I may be part demon, and I may have been stupid and cruel enough to have put myself this way, and I may have lived a life of crime. But I don’t lie. Not anymore. I meant it. I think you’re… lovely.”

Crona relaxed his shoulders, and Alessei realized that they’d been hunched. He gave a tentative smile, like someone who still isn’t sure whether they are in reality or fantasy.

“…Lovely,” he whispered to himself. “Nobody’s ever called me lovely before. I don’t really know how to deal with that.” He cleared his throat. “What makes you think I’m lovely? When most people meet me, they think I’m mad. I certainly look mad. Fearful eyes, shaking hands, dark circles under my eyes because I never get any sleep. If you think that’s lovely, then forgive me, but you must be mad as well.”

Alessei grinned, trying to think of a way to put her thoughts into words. She sat up, putting her hands on Crona’s shoulders so he faced her, feeling the thin bones of his shoulders and collarbone. Even through the thick black robe he wore, she felt the heat of his body.

“How can I say this… when you’ve been through what I’ve been through, you don’t feel the same way when you look at sick people. Most people look at signs of sickness and think they’re signs of weakness. But I think they’re signs of… strength. It’s obvious from what you’ve mentioned that you’ve been through a lot, Crona. And that means that you’re a survivor. The way I look at it, your eyes don’t show that you’re weak. They show that you’ve been strong enough to get through something. Something bad. And I understand if you don’t want to tell me, but I know it’s there. And that… that’s what makes you lovely.”

Crona blinked, slow, like a cat. For once, his eyes didn’t show fear. They showed shock. Aless felt grimly satisfied that she’d broken through the shell that seemed to surround the boy. A smile spread across his face.

“Then, you’re lovely, too, Aless… you’re very, very lovely.”

She placed her hand on his, squeezing it.

“Thank you. People don’t usually call me lovely. You don’t know how much that means to me…”

“Well, I meant it.” The smile grew. “Hey… Aless?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re really cool.”