It's Not You, It's Me

Every single day that passes, Tiff and Caleb get closer to each other. I no longer have to get close to them, but I still have to hang out with them. I understand that the guys feel bad that I don’t talk, but it’s not necessary for me to talk. I don’t deserve any friends. I, definitely, don’t deserve to be happy. I guess you can say I was traumatized enough to stay silent. I am truly happy that Tiff is making new friends.

Buzz-Buzz. The phone vibrated. I looked at the caller ID and it was Matt.

“Wrong number” I told him and immediately hung up. Tiff decided to hang out with them at the mall.

Buzz-Buzz. The phone vibrated again. I don’t feel like answering it. I ignored the call and rummaged through my luggage for my journal. Within half an hour I was halfway through my poem.

Don't take me out
of my private hell
cuz I can doubt
you wish me well

My one
and secure place
away from the stun
of your ugly face

Don't pretend you care
cuz I know your lie
you were never there
did you know that I always cried?

Darkness is all around
but no one can see
or hear the sound
that comforts me

I was so involved in writing my poem that I forgot how much time had elapsed. Someone was banging on the door. I slowly walked over to the door and opened it. I looked at the person and I immediately slammed the door closed, but he put his foot there.

“Come on Sam. Why are you doing this?” Caleb asked.

“Why not? Can’t you just leave me alone? Go with Tiffany. She will take my place if any of you feel lonely.”

“Not really. It feels weird if you aren’t there with us.”

“Okay. Bye.” I said. I tried to push him out but he wouldn’t leave.

“Aww, come on Sam! Where was the fun girl that told me off? Where’s the girl that we carried like a princess?” Matt asked behind Caleb.

“She never existed!”

“She did! What are you doing to yourself? What's wrong with you? Whatever it is, just get over it! Why can’t you tell us what’s wrong?” Caleb begged.

“Anything and everything is wrong with me." As I said that, Caleb rolled his eyes. "Oh please, roll your eyes all you want, you don’t know half the story. Why don’t you just ask her?” I pointed toward Tiff.

Everyone turned to her direction with interrogative expressions. She looked pretty angry. She didn’t want to explain to all of them. Jealousy was written all over her face. She opened her mouth to tell the long story.

Will spoke up from the back before she spoke. “No, we want to hear it from you. Not her.”

Everyone’s face was dumb struck. There was an awkward silence and no one knew where to turn their heads.

“I agree.” Caleb said.

“No, thanks. Ask someone else.” Will grabbed my wrist and dragged me out of the dorm. Many people followed, but Will made many turns. We ended up at the park, next to the swings.

“Now, tell me.”

“I have nothing to tell. So, leave me alone.”

“No. Clearly, you do. What’s the point of staying silent? Silence is not punishment. Where, in your right mind, do you think you can get away with staying silent all the time?”

"What do you know? You have no clue what you're talking about." I retorted back.

"I don’t.” he said.

“So, why don’t you tell me instead of wallowing in your little . . . pity fest?”

“My mom died because of me. THERE! Happy? Do you need to hear more? Can you relate to me? Can you understand my pain? My silence? CLEARLY, I do have something to say but you wouldn’t understand.”

“No, I don’t but I understand pain. Having to lose someone is hard enough without blaming yourself. I can’t tell you to think of what your mom would have wanted you to do in your situation, but I already know what you want them to think. You want them to be here and to say: “You did nothing wrong”. But, they can’t come back. Ask people around you. They want you to know that they are there for you. They want you to be happy. You know she didn’t die because of you, but you decided that you should take the blame. There is no reason for that. It’s not your fault because I’m saying that you did nothing wrong.”

“I know I did nothing wrong, but they aren’t here. I feel so guilty for wanting to go to that party. I should have just stayed home. I should have just stayed quiet.” I broke into tears and cried everything out. I feel somewhat relieved. Those are the words that I wanted to hear. “I’m sorry, mom. I’m. So. Sorry.” Will just sat in the swing without a word.