Hate That I Love You

My heart ached as I stared at the door to Matt's house and I was reluctant to ring the doorbell. Another day of putting myself through emotional torture didn't seem like a good idea, but helping Josh and seeing Matt made it worth it. But it would be better if I could take Matt and run away to my tree house, that way we wouldn't have to worry about the world. Or Josh. I raised my hand up to hit the button but hesitated at the last moment. The guy who loves me is the one person I want to disappear. Even my own thoughts disgust me.

"Nobody wants to be around a person who hates themselves." I scolded myself and took a step away from the house.

Leaving here meant I would have to go back home and face my parents. I can't stand the thought of having to look my parents in the eye because of what a horrible person I have changed into. Turning back to the house, I began to think up the pros and cons of both destinations. In both places I'll just end up feeling incredibly uncomfortable, which is the unfortunately unavoidable con. Here, I'll have to comfort a depressed person all day and convince myself that I love him back. If I leave and go home I can at least go in my room all I won't have to face my same problems.

"That's it! I'm heading back h-" I began to mutter when the door swung open to reveal Matt standing in the doorway.

"Don't just stand there. Dianna, hurry up and come inside." His voice was quiet but serious so I knew couldn't get away.

Matt stared at me for a while and though no words came from his mouth, his eyes said it all. And I was certain that what shone in his eyes was mirrored in my own. Slowly I walked over to the door and attempted to squeeze past him through the doorway and ended up rubbing up against Matt. A shiver shook my entire body to the core when we touched and the need for more contact with Matt took control of me. I yanked him outside and shut the door behind him. He turned towards me cautiously and I could see that the pain that had been in his eyes before was now replace with curiosity. I pulled him to me, gently so that he could pull away if he wanted, and wrapped my arms around his waist, almost smiling when he responded by pulling me in closer. It was when all of my selfish thoughts collided with the part of me that felt responsible for Josh that the dam containing my tears exploded. Matt was my life preserver, the one thing that kept me from going insane yet he played a big role in what was making me lose my mind.

We stayed that way together until I felt his grip on me loosen and all I could do was cling to him desperately wishing that he would never let me go. Guilt decided that moment to start seeping deep into my brain and it took all of my strength not to shove Matt away and run, so I could hide. He pushed me back carefully, gazing into my eyes, and began to wipe my tears away somewhat awkwardly.

"I'm sorry." He whispered and then left me alone.

As I stood there the ache returned as I watched him get into his car and leave. When his car was too far to see I turned back to the house and walked up to the door When I reached for the doorknob it turned on its own and next thing I knew I was staring in the emotionless eyes of my boyfriends. His face was blank and it was if he forgot how to be happy. The silence stretched between us and I could feel the guilt returning back to make me hate myself some more.

"Dianna..." His voice sounded strange because he rarely chose to speak anymore.

He motioned for me to follow him and I nodded. My visits with him always began this way, except for Matt appearing out of no where, it was still a regular day. We spend our time together with him being silent and me trying as hard as I can to make him happy. Last week I got him to laugh for the first time in what seemed like forever. He used to be the funniest guy around, everyone thought he should become a comedian, but now he's constantly mourning the loss of his mother and father.

"Dianna!" Paula looked up from here book and called out when she saw us walking by.

Both she and Luke were reading together in the living room and I almost resented them for being able to be happy together when I was stuck acting like I loved Josh. She waved me over to the couch and patted the seat, inviting me to talk for a minute.

"Go up stairs without me, okay Josh? I'm going to talk with Paula for a moment." I said as I nudged him forward.

When he left I pasted another charming smile on my face before turning back to his aunt and uncle. Paula was running around the room trying to make things orderly even though I always tell her that it doesn't make a difference to me whether or not the house is clean. I was about to say something when Luke reached out and stopped her by grabbing onto her wrist and having her sit on his lap. They looked so cheerful together that it made me feel sick.

"Is he okay?" Paula was the fist to speak up.

"I'm sorry Paula but I don't know... I have been seeing him everyday and its always the same..." I murmured while casting my eyes downward.

Her face fell and I felt bad for not being able to do anything to make Josh feel better. I didn't know what to say and it was getting weird to sit there with two adults that were lively until I came a crushed it with news about their depressed nephew.

"I'm going to go upstairs now..."I stood and said before bolting out of the room.

Josh turned to face me when I walked into his room and gave me a small kiss. As sweet as it was, it made me feel like I needed to be punished for not loving such an amazing guy. More scars for me tonight. His eyes finally lost their haze and it seemed as if he could actually see me.

"Dianna? Why were you crying?" The concern in his voice was something I didn't deserve.

"Don't worry about it. I'm okay now that I'm with you." I forced my voice to sound cheery and pasted a calm smile on my face.

Josh relaxed and a tiny smile formed on his face, but unlike mine, I could tell it came from the heart.

"I love you, Dianna."

I'm going to hell.