Status: Ongoing writing process. R rating will not become apparent until later. Just FYI :)

Butane and Bullets

Chapter 4 - "Crying Rivers"

Frank strained to hear the movie that was still playing.

Eventually Mikey had called and invited him over. He'd been so excited to see Gerard alive and well that he'd driven the short distance rather than walked as he usually would. However when he got there Mikey had informed him that his older brother had gone to sleep. He had felt a little deflated but was quite happy to hang out until Gerard surfaced. He couldn't exactly protest and wake the guy up. His day had obviously been even more harrowing than the rest of them who'd only watched the events through a television screen. He'd seen it person. It was bound to have taken its toll.

Mrs. Way had told Frank that he was welcome to stay the night so he'd called his parents to let them know. On any normal day he might not have bothered to inform his family where he was unless they asked. He had a sneaking suspicion that he would be letting his parents keep tabs on him for a while.

In any case, Gerard had never emerged from the room he usually shared with his brother, and his Grandma Elena had instructed everyone to leave him to his own devices until he felt better equipped to be around others. Elena's word was law. Even he knew that. He felt kind of bad for Mikey though, being locked out of his own room all day. Luckily they'd found enough to occupy themselves with without having to disturb Gerard.

Now though, they were cramped up in the study. They'd piled it up with spare duvets and pillows so it was comfy enough, but during the spectacularly bad movie that they'd stuck on the TV Mikey had fallen asleep. Frank had turned the lights off and the volume down once he'd noticed so as not to disturb him, but now he could barely hear it himself.

In fact he realised absent-mindedly that he could hear the drone of another television. His heart jumped once and he wondered whether it was Gerard having finally emerged from the basement or another member of the Way family watching due to insomnia brought on by the day's events. Carefully he stood up and stepped over Mikey who was sprawled on the floor snoring softly at the foot of the desk. He was quiet when he closed the door behind him, and crept downstairs as silently as he could. When he reached the bottom, he walked towards the source of flashing blue light that was resonating from the lounge.

************

Gerard had been awake for at least an hour, simply staring at the ceiling, willing the numbness to return. It hadn't. His heart seemed to ache with every beat, and his muscles felt heavy and weighed down on the bed. After breaking down and crying that afternoon he had eventually climbed back under the duvet with tears still streaming down his face until he fell into an uncomfortable sleep that was troubled by foggy dreams. He was still exhausted, but wanted to get up and have a stretch; at least go and make some coffee. However he still wasn't sure if he was ready to face the rest of the family.

Turning his heavy head he regarded the clock, and decided that 1am should be a safe time to venture up into the actual house. His parents and grandma would no doubt be in bed at that hour. It was only Mikey he really had to worry about. He felt guilt lash at his conscience then. He and Mikey had shared the basement room throughout childhood and therefore his younger brother had actually been locked out of his own room for the entire day. Either he was still up waiting for Gerard to emerge and grant him entry or he'd bunked up on the sofa or in the study for the night. Poor kid. I'll have to make it up to him tomorrow.

He padded softly up the stairs and popped his head round the corner when he opened the door, just in case his family were all still up, caught in the throes of some post-tragedy insomnia epidemic. No one was awake downstairs anyway, so he closed the door behind him and made his way in the dark to the kitchen. He put the coffee maker on, having a craving for more than just instant. He debated simply leaning against the sideboard and staring down at the patterns on his pyjama bottoms whilst the coffee made itself, but there was a pull inside him that he couldn't ignore.

Digging the nails of one hand into his palm, Gerard went to sit in the lounge. He switched on the television, and once again his retina began to itch with the image that was presented. Keeping the remote in one hand he skipped from channel to channel watching the same image being presented by people with different voices. Distantly he listened to the reports of numbers presumed dead, details of the event itself, descriptions of the beginning of the clean-up, the numbers of police and fire-fighters that had been called to the scene, and that one word that chilled his blood; terrorists.

Terror was about right. Everyone was scared now, no matter what race or religion they were, no matter where they lived, who they were or whether they'd lost someone in the attack. That very transition from thinking about the event in terms of an attack rather than an accident was frightening in itself without his eyes being simultaneously raped by the images presented onscreen.

Gerard forgot all about the coffee machine, and simply sat, finger twitching over the change channel button, reliving the sight that he had seen earlier that day, desperately trying to understand why it had happened. This time he didn't even feel the tears when they began to run.

************

Frank stood in the doorway and allowed his heart to soar at the sight of the back of Gerard's head. Alive. He was flicking from channel to channel on the TV. Of course it was no use; every channel was playing the same thing, over and over. Then again, he supposed that Gerard wasn't trying to escape the images or he wouldn't have turned the set on in the first place. He wasn't quite sure how to start conversation, so he merely stood there, leant in the doorway watching the images as they flicked by as Gerard controlled them. It made him want his parents close again, and he felt another pang in his heart born of his desire to see his grandfather ASAP.

Suddenly Gerard hit mute on the television set and rose from his seat, spinning to leave the room. However he hadn't been banking on Frank standing in the doorway. He almost jumped six foot in the air, and immediately Frank felt guilty for not speaking up sooner.
"Shit!"

Gerard's hand flew to his heart, which was now thrumming beneath his fingers. He knew he recognised the boy standing in the doorway, but he couldn't place the name. Mikey had had him over a few times, so he figured that's why he was here; to keep Mikey company whilst Gerard had locked himself away.

The kid looked guilty now, standing in the doorway shifting his weight from foot to foot. In the dull blue flashes Gerard could just about make out the embarrassed expression on the guy's face.

"How long have you been standing there?"
"A few minutes. I uhh, wasn't sure whether I should interrupt."
"Would have been better than scaring the shit outta me."
"Sorry."

The sheepish sincere manner in which the boy spoke the words made Gerard feel a little guilty. He tried to relax, taking his hand from his heart and running it through his hair instead.

"It's fine." His eyes flicked upwards once, as if staring through the ceiling, before settling back onto Frank. "Where's Mikey?"
"Asleep." When Gerard didn't reply, Frank elaborated. "He fell asleep in the study upstairs. We were watching a crappy movie. Your uhh, your mum said I could stay the night."
"Right. ...Well it was cool of you to come over to keep him company. I uhh, appreciate it."

The expression Gerard directed at the boy in the doorway couldn't exactly be called a smile, as he'd simply stretched his lips out into his cheeks, but he thought that his meaning was understood as the boy gave him a genuine smile, albeit a tired one.

"No problem." Frank pushed himself off the doorframe and stuck his hands in the back pockets of his jeans, scarcely able to comprehend what he was about to say. "...I didn't come for Mikey though."

Gerard doubted that the boy could see the eyebrow that he'd raised in the dark, but he wasn't sure how else to respond. After a few more seconds of silence than was comfortable, Frank continued.
"I asked Mikey to give me a call when you got home."
"Why?"

Frank gulped nervously.
"I know you were in New York today. ...You're at the Cartoon Network right? That's not far from where the..." He trailed off, knowing that the two of them could respectively fill in the blanks. "I knew you were there, and called him this morning to check you were alright."

Gerard laughed softly into the darkness. Behind him, the television screen showered the viewers in fire.

"You're not understanding. You wanted to know I was home safe and that's why you called Mikey. That part's pretty simple. What I'm asking is why. Why did you wanna know I'm okay? I don't mean to be rude, but I don't even remember your name."
"It's Frank."

Frank. Of course.

"Yeah, well if you hadn't told me I probably wouldn't have ever remembered, Frank. So why did you care so bad to call Mikey?"

With the television still on mute, it was easy for Gerard to decipher the gulps emanating from Frank's throat as he grappled for an answer that would be understood. Then he laughed under his breath before informing Gerard, "Mikey asked that too."
"And you told him...?"
"...I just didn't want there to be anyone I know get hurt. No matter how well I know them." He sighed heavily. "The lady next door called in sick today. She worked in one of those towers that collapsed. A ton of people she walked past every day are now lying dead and buried under all that rubble. Friends, colleagues, acquaintances. Maybe even enemies. But she'll mourn them, all of them. Because no one deserved to die that way." He gulped audibly once more, glad that the darkness hid the tear that had just slipped down his cheek. "I didn't want you to have died that way. I know we're not friends, and I'm sorry if this has made you uncomfortable. I just wanted to see you alive. ...I'll uhh..."

He turned to leave, heart still relieved despite the intense feeling of rejection he was experiencing. Gerard Way was still alive, and that's all that mattered.

"Wait."

When Frank turned his head back to the other man, he could see his outline shaking in the dull blue glow. When Gerard spoke again it was in a whisper.
"I'm sorry, Frank. I'm sorry." After an audible sniff and gulp, he spoke again, voice a little louder, but laden with emotion. "Stay."

A part of Frank wished to turn on the lights just so he could see the guy's face. The other part wished he'd turn off the television and just leave them in darkness. It was the middle ground that proved difficult.

"I don't mind leaving if it makes it easier for you. I won't be offended" Frank assured him.
"No, don't. I'm being a prick." Gerard tried on a chuckle, but it simply came out as a choked sob. "I'm acting like I'm the only one who's been hurt today."
"No you're not. You're acting like a guy who was in New York today. No one else in this house was. You're allowed to feel that way. ...Do you want to tell me about it?"

The question fell into the category of everything Gerard had been attempting to avoid since he'd got back into Jersey. But now he knew the time for avoidance was over. He wanted to be at least halfway stable when he saw Mikey, and that wasn't going to happen unless he spoke to someone soon. Although it pained him to do so he nodded his head slowly. Luckily Frank could just about make out the movement in the light from the TV. He smiled slightly and decided to take charge.

"Turn off the TV. We don't need that. You can tell me."

Quirking his eyebrow, Gerard did as he'd been told, and immediately lost any and all approximation of where Frank was standing. He was expecting the light to flick on and reveal his tear streaked face at that point, so was surprised when he heard feet padding towards him in the dark. His heart jumped when Frank's hand tentatively touched his chest, feeling his surroundings. The hand stopped above his heart and rested there. Cheeks still wet Gerard slowly raised his own hand to lay upon the heart opposite. It was barely there a second before Frank threw his arms around Gerard and held him tightly in a hug, the sensation overwhelming in the absence of any other. Squeezing his eyes shut and letting the tears soak his face Gerard wrapped his arms around the shorter boy and dipped his head, sobbing into his shoulder. They stood for a minute simply holding each other until Gerard felt Frank's chest heaving with his own sadness. It simply served to release the floodgates on whatever sobs were being held back, and arms still locked around each other they fell to their knees, crying together.