Status: Ongoing writing process. R rating will not become apparent until later. Just FYI :)

Butane and Bullets

Chapter 6 - "Struggling Through"

Frank picked up his house keys, deciding to walk rather than take the car, and locked the house behind him. He barely took a step before he halted in his tracks, eyes fixed ahead. His neighbour, Jessica Hubert, was standing at her car, keys shaking precariously in her fingers as she stretched her hand out towards the door.

Her head snapped up in an emotion akin to horror when she heard the Iero's front door click shut and was staring at Frank, frozen to the spot. She looked like death. Her eyes were shaky and bloodshot, accentuated by bruised blotches of tiredness. She was thinner than when he last saw her, clothes barely clinging to her jagged bones.

Jessica was a pleasant woman, far nicer than her husband had ever been to Frank. She was never seen without a smile; one of sincerity rather than false niceties. She always made a point to stop and ask what Frank was up to, even though he rarely had anything to update her with. Whenever he'd mention his band's latest show or song her enthusiastic nods would never fail to make him feel great about himself, and he truly believed that one day she would make it to a show to cheer him on like she kept telling him. It pained him to stare into the eyes of the woman before him and realise he could be looking at a completely different person. There was no glimmer of Jessica Hubert before him, just an empty shell.

Her mouth gaped slightly as if to speak, but she realised quickly that there were no words. Frank spoke instead.
"Mrs. Hubert?"

He heard her suck in a shaky breath as her eyes began to fill with tears. He spoke again, more gently.
"Jess, what are you doing?"

The tears began to stream then, aggravating her already puffy eyes, and the keys dropped from her hand.

"I was... I was going out. I've got to go out."
"Where's Hubert? I mean Brian" he corrected, remembering that he actually knew the guy's name now.
"Asleep. He's fast asleep. I had to leave while he was asleep."
"Why?"

She laughed then, not out of humour but hysterics. It was high-pitched and animalistic; anything but the woman who the voice belonged to.
"He won't let me go. He says I have to stay. I had to wait 'til he was asleep, Frankie, I had to wait."

He winced when she spoke his name and stepped over the tiny fence, scooping the car keys off the gravel, concealing them in his fist. He slid his other arm around his neighbour, and secured his hand over her waist, trying t o steady the taller woman.
"Jess, where are you trying to go?"

He knew he had to ask, even though he was 99% sure that he already knew the answer. She sobbed, and leaned into him more.
"I wanna go see. I need to go see it, Frank. Don't you understand?"

"I do..." he murmured, looking up into her tearful eyes and surprising himself to realise that he was being truthful. "Of course I understand. I'd be exactly the same. But they won't let you near it, Jess. There's police there every second to keep people away. ...Going to see won't help you. It's real whether you go or not."

She broke then, sobs tearing freely from her lips and her lungs. Feeling guilty and wondering whether he'd been too harsh Frank didn't know what else to do but to hang on for dear life.
"All my friends" she cried. "All my friends! My fucking office!"

He wasn't sure if he'd ever heard Jessica swear in his life, and it unnerved him, serving as another reminder of just how differently she was behaving.
"I know" he soothed, as she hooked her arms around his neck and dipped her head to rest it on his shoulder, instantly soaking the fabric. "I know."
"I was sick. I was too sick. Lucky to be sick. I was sick, and so I'm alive. ...They're not."

"I know."
He wasn't sure what else to say.

"Did you see?" she whispered. "Did you see my workplace fall to the ground?"
"Yeah I saw. I came out here and watched with your husband."
She mumbled then, eyebrows drawing together, some element of conscious thought seeping through.
"With Brian? But Brian ha-"

She stopped herself before she could finish the sentence, but Frank was already well aware how it was going to end. The suffix to that broken sentence was '-tes you'. Frankie had always suspected as much, and felt a little relieved to have these suspicions confirmed, even as he thought things might be different now after the events of the previous week.

It was now the 19th September, and everything was different. Sometimes it was hard to pinpoint what exactly had changed, sometimes just the atmosphere, but everyone could feel it to varying degrees. Hubert had always looked at Frank like he was scum, but that had been different whenever they'd spotted each other that week. Brian had even lifted his hand in a wave one time, and Frank had almost dropped dead from shock.

"Speaking of Brian... you should really go find him, Jess. You know you can't go into Manhattan yet. Not only will they not let you within an inch of the towers, but you're not ready to go."
"He's right" came the voice of Mr. Hubert standing in the open doorway of his house.

He looked dead on his feet as well. Frank figured that Hubert had been neglecting his own sleeping patterns whilst trying to prevent situations like this one.

Jessica immediately sobbed and fled Frank's arms in favour of her husband's.
"Honey, what did you think you were doing?" he asked, relieved that she'd been stopped before she could drive off.

Frank averted his eyes as if to imply leaving the two in private whilst they experienced this expressional exchange. He tried not to listen, singing a song in his head until he felt it polite to look again. Hubert simply nodded and turned, attempting to guide his wife back into the house.

"Hey!" Frank called, causing Hubert to turn his head. "Think fast!"

Frank released his neighbour's car keys from his fist and chucked them into Hubert's open palm. As his thick fingers curled over the metal, he smiled softly. The smile didn't quite reach his eyes, but Frank didn't fault him for this.
"Cheers, Pansy."

Now it was more a nickname than anything else, and Frank knew that the man's gratitude extended far beyond the act of returning the guy's car keys. Frank shrugged his shoulders lightly in response and set off down the road. It was simply a matter of the right place at the right time, once again.

He started off to the Way's house, again thankful that he had not experienced loss in the wake of what would come to be known simply as '9/11'. He was going to see Gerard today, if he had to fight his way into that fucking basement.

************

Gerard would have walked out of the kitchen without even noticing Frank's presence unless he'd spoke.
"Hey!"

He spun, full-sized carton of juice in one hand, seeing Frank sitting on a stool at the breakfast bar, wigging his fingers in a wave, massive grin adorning his face.
"Oh, fuck. Hey Frank."

He was suddenly quite conscious of the fact that it was past midday and his dull auburn hair was greasy and hanging from his head in strands whilst he donned a terribly fashionable pyjama ensemble of sweatpants and a faded iron maiden shirt. And his feet were bare. He curled his toes as if he could hide them, and tried not to look as self-conscious as he felt.

"What's up?" he asked.
"Not much. I was supposed to be hanging with Mikey today, but he woke up late. I guess you already know that though" he chuckled, having forgotten momentarily that the two brothers shared a room. "He's just hopped in the bath."

His stomach had leapt when Gerard had stumbled sleepily into the room. He looked like shit, but it sort of suited him in a weird way. Frank could barely contain his happiness every time he remembered that Gerard could have been dead a week ago. It was bizarre to feel that much relief that someone he barely knew was alive, but he wasn't faulting it. Seeing Gerard alive made him feel alive.

"The bath?"
"I know, right? He's keeping his company waiting in the first place so you'd think the dude would take a shower, but nooo. Bath time for Mikey Way."

Frank sipped at the pepsi he had resting on the counter and regarded Gerard who was shifting his weight from foot to foot uncomfortably, juice in one hand and the other one fisted tightly.
"You want a glass for that?" he asked, eyebrow quirking in an amused manner, twisting one of his dreads in his fingers.

Gerard's eyes darted from one of his hands to the other and shot back a timid smile.
"Nah, I'm alright."

He was terribly aware that in his left hand he held the antidepressant that he had yet to take that morning. That's why he'd come upstairs, to grab the juice to take the pill with. He was considering leaving it in the pocket of his sweatpants to take when Frank was gone. It would look shifty, but he was certainly considering it.

Frank's eyebrows drew closer together as he studied the older boy, taking another contemplative mouthful of the fizzy liquid.
"You okay, Gerard?"
"What?"
"You know what I mean. How are you coping?"

Frank hadn't really seen Gerard since the night they'd cried together, though that was not for lack of trying. Despite all his talk of striving to change his life and getting out of the basement, it was still where he'd spent practically all of his time, or so Mikey had told Frank. This was even truer considering that Gerard had indeed phoned in to work on the 12th September to announce that he was quitting.

Mikey still had work and college to attend, so that gave Gerard plenty of alone time during the day. He was generally in a better mood towards the evening, so that's when Mikey would hang with him. However this meant that whenever Frank had been over throughout the last week he'd been told that Gerard didn't want to see anyone. He'd tried his hardest to not take that personally. He was aware Gerard had been deeply affected by the events, both through what Gerard had told him in the darkness of his living room, and from what information Mikey had passed on since then. For example, when opening up to his parents, Gerard had admitted also witnessing the falling bodies of people who had leapt from the towers before the collapse. It had obviously made a deep impression upon him, making it even more crucial for Frank to obtain an honest answer.

"Umm, okay." Gerard mumbled, apparently refusing to elaborate further without prompting.

This seemed unusual to Frank. Despite Gerard's sad introverted demeanour, he was usually willing to talk at length when asked questions. Not today though, and Frank wanted to find out why.

"No way, man, you've gotta give me more than that. Have you even left that fucking basement in the last week?"

Gerard seemed to take stock then, mentally counting the days that had passed since he'd left the Cartoon Network.
"Well, no, but-"

He didn't have time to finish his sentence. Frank jumped straight back into the role of speaker.

"That's unhealthy, man. You need to get out of this house occasionally, you know, get some fucking air? Some sunlight? You barely even have a window in that cave. Some vitamin D would do you good." He paused then, considering. He spoke softer the next time. "...Do you need someone to go to the doctors with you? I'll go if you like. You know, for support."

It was Gerard's eyebrows that came together then, scrunching his face up in confusion.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Gerard... have you considered that you may have...like...depression or something?"

Gerard felt so tragic that he almost burst out laughing. He settled for a sad smile as he walked to the counter and stretched out his arm, opening his fist and letting the pill clatter onto the surface. Frank regarded the sight before him and looked up questioningly.

"What's this?"
"What it looks like." He coughed and examined his knuckle awkwardly as he elaborated, not wanting to look Frank in the eye. "I'm on antidepressants, Frank."

Frank stared at the capsule, blinking at it as the information began to register.

"So you... don't need to go to the doctor."
"No. They're probably sick of seeing my face actually."
"God. I'm sorry."

Gerard shook his head.
"No. You had no way of knowing. I asked Mikey not to tell anyone."
"Yeah, yeah, of course... How long?"

Gerard sighed and leant on the counter next to Frank, pushing the pill across the counter with one finger, sad eyes watching that rather than the boy stood next to him.

"Longer than since the 11th, if that's what you mean. Way longer. A few months I guess." He wiped his hand over his face before pinching the corner of each eye. "Too long."
"Gerard, I... I'm sorry."
"I'm not depressed because of you Frank, so cut that shit out right now" he snapped. "I'm not into sympathy, okay? I don't need it; not from you, not from anyone."

He looked up then, already realising how harsh his delivery had been. His face crumpled apologetically in the blink of an eye.
"I'm sorry."

Frank smiled with one half of his mouth.
"No, you're right. Sympathy won't help you get better. ...Can you tell me how you got depressed?"
"No." He laughed humourlessly. "Can't quite put my finger on it. I think I've always been depressed to some degree, you know? Just not enough to warrant medication until recently."
"How bad does it get?"

He smirked without a smile.
"Bad enough to warrant medication."

Frank narrowed his eyes and punched Gerard's shoulder none too lightly. The older man yelped and clutched his arm, eyes wide and mouth agape in outrage.
"Don't fucking do that, Gerard. You're not allowed to withdraw and run away, remember? Sure, sympathy won't help, but neither will hiding."
"Yeah, I remember. But punching me in the arm isn't exactly the best way to 'cheer me up'."

"So...?" Frank prompted, not bothering to apologise.
"So..." Gerard rolled a shoulder, relaxing so that he could speak honestly. "What do you want me to say? I admit, sometimes things get really fucking bad. I've also got sedatives for night time 'cause I can't settle down... It's rad. I'm living the dream."
"Fuck... I don't know what to say."

Gerard waved one hand while scooping the pill up in the other.
"Don't say anything." He unscrewed the lid off the juice carton and washed down the medication, deciding that there was no need to delay now that Frank had found out. "I don't work right. The doctors gave me pills to help. Let's just leave it at that."

Frank chewed on the inner flesh of his upper lip to keep from arguing. You work fine. You're just going through a tough time. ...You work fine. Gerard's eyes flashed then, and a small genuine smile graced his round face.

"I'll tell you what to say, actually. You've come in here and you've been laying down the law, but why don't you ask me how I feel now? Not whether I've left the house or have to take pills to keep stable. Ask me how I actually feel."

Frank blinked. Then he complied, not wanting to relinquish the honest smile that lingered on Gerard's lips.
"...How do you feel, Gerard?"

One pair of hazel eyes smiled at the other pair of confused ones. The smiling ones belonged to the depressed boy, ironically enough.
"I've found something that helps. I've found what I'm gonna do instead of art."

Frank's eyebrow quirked. It had been just over a week since Gerard had announced he was changing the very fabric of his life, and Frank was sceptical that Gerard had managed to decipher this in such a short amount of time without even leaving the house. However he couldn't deny that he was intrigued.
"What?" he enquired.

Gerard smirked.
"Wanna see?"
Frank nodded in reply.
"Okay. But I don't want Mikes to find out just yet, so you're-" His fingers made air-quotation marks. "-going to put some music on while you wait for him. What are you into?" His eyes flitted quickly to Frank's shirt and back again. "Misfits? Wait here."

He ran down to his room and back again before Frank had any clue as to what was going on. Pinched between Gerard's fingers was a Misfits CD, which he immediately stuck in the lounge player and whacked the volume up. Frank's face epitomised confusion whilst Gerard realised that beckoning wasn't going to work. He grabbed the boy's arm and started pulling him towards the basement stairs until he got the point and started following obediently.

When they got into the Way brother's room, Frank closed the door behind him and heavily dropped himself down onto Mikey's bed. He immediately reached for a pillow to clutch onto, lying in prone position with his chin propped up on his hand.
He watched as Gerard tore around the room in search for something. He sifted through the papers littering the desk and finally seemed to have found what he was looking for. His eyes met Frank's nervously as he tossed the scrap of paper on the bed and turned again to get the final item.

Whilst in the lounge he had been eager, bursting to show someone what he'd done. However now that they were here and Frank's eyes were on him, he was still self-conscious about the way he looked, but even more self-conscious to be demonstrating to Frank what he'd been working on the entire week. He was so nervous he was shaking, and had the urge to take another blue. He fought it. There was no need to make himself look like an even bigger freak.

He was beginning to regret choosing Frank as the first person to witness his new project, but it was too late to take it back now. He took a deep breath as his fingers curled around the fret board of his acoustic guitar.
♠ ♠ ♠
This chapter is mostly "filler", so sorry for that I guess. Hoping things will start to move along a bit quicker now :)

Massive shout-outs go to my 2 commenters for making me feel grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!

bam_dilligaf - Not only do you have an awesome HIM-related screen name :P, but your comment was extreeeeeemely motivating and just genuinely made me smile :D You picked up on everything I'd done specifically - like melding my fiction into as much fact as I could gather - and genuinely made me feel awesome for choosing to write it in that way. So thanks a bunch, truly.

shadows_in_shadows - I'm not gonna lie, your comment made me laugh :P I wasn't aware that my story was so upsetting! Either you were overexaggerating about how much you cried, in which case thanks XD, or you were being genuine and I owe you an apology for indirectly breaking your keyboard! Haha!

So yeah. Thanks to the two commenters, and anyone else who read/subscribed :D Means the world to me that people wanna be notified that I've written stuff! Whoo!
So keep it comin' guys, and I'll do the same :) <3