Early Mourning

I know I'm not okay. There's this feeling deep inside me that is telling me things are still out of control and horrible. This monster isn't lashing out anymore but he's sitting back and giving me these snide comments. And though I can't understand his language I know he's mocking me. He's laughing at my every movement, challenging me and saying there's no way I can live without him. There's just no way because he's a part of me now.

It's as if I'm Spider Man and he's the black goo. Sadly I haven't realized he's been growing into me and becoming apart of me until now and he's way too in, too tangled in my web for me to take him out. This monster has a plan; what it is I don't know yet but I know he's waiting for me to get egged on so he can give a blow that's too deep for me to cope with.

So I've been kinda careful now. I'm ignoring him. I'm blocking out everything that's happened and focusing on now, on Larson who's making me feel better. I feel human, I don't feel like a zombie. I'm not walking around in depression anymore I'm balancing depression and happiness though. But it's hard. I feel like I'm tearing in two because part of me doesn't want to leave the place I've grown accustomed to and the other wants to finally move on. Finally get that chance at being happy. That chance that Larson is giving me. He's been a great friend despite those times I've treated him like crap and I'm thankful for that.

He doesn't know yet, about what I've done. Larson hardly knows anything about me and I don't know if it's going to stay that way or not. What I do know is that I'm trying to live in the present, trying to keep this happiness and not go back to moping around, but it comes at a price.

I've been sleeping on the couch.

Yeah, I know it doesn't sound comfortable at all but according to Larson I don't look so pale anymore, and from what I've seen in the mirror there's color to my skin now. But I'm not shining, not yet.

"So what do you want to do this weekend?" Larson asked, watching me consume the cake. I took another bite and chewed the question over in my mind the same I chewed the cake. I needed to enjoy every last bit of because it was going to be gone soon.

Where did I want to go?

We've been to the arcade plenty of times already and the square is starting to get boring. We've tried the park but it's not much of one and we've walked all over town that it's not interesting anymore, we know everything and where it is.

"How about the mall" I suggested, pushing the plate over to Larson so he could get the last piece. Larson ate the cake, nodding his head at my suggestion. I

I stared at him as he ate, his head turning to look out the window. The sun shined through the glass, dancing on his skin and lighting up his dragon colored eyes. I felt like I was under a spell. The way his eyes flickered to watch the passing people. His cheeks puffed out because of the cake he had stuffed in his mouth and it was absolutely adorable. His pink lips looked inviting and soft and his eyelashes were so long. Girls would kill to have them. Larson was gorgeous.

My hand reached out to touch his face, even though I was yelling at myself not to be a weirdo. I ignored how the monster smirked and sat back. But my hand stopped short when the sound of glass breaking filled the cafe and my trance broke. Everyone whipped their heads in the direction of the sound and at a huge group of guys and girls.

"Fucking have some class you loser" One of the girls said, shoving the guy covered in soda out of the booth and standing up. She smoothed out her skirt and the rest of the girls followed all glaring at the group of guys. They walked out of the cafe and left the guys there, dumbfounded. They shoved the one covered in soda, their voices raising as it turned into an argument. Each of them stood up ready to start a fight and Larson quickly got out of his seat and sped over.

"Hey! Hey! Stop!" He yelled, standing in the center of them. A muscled guy sitting in the corner of the cafe with his date got up and went to the group of teen boys, clearly annoyed.

"Boys you need to take this somewhere else. Be respectful enough to pay for your food and leave" the built stranger said. The guys scowled but did as the stranger said and then left shoving the guy with soda all over his clothes around while heading down the sidewalk.

I got up from my seat and headed to the counter. The blond smiled at me, getting a rag and rinsing it under water. "Is there anything I can get for you?" She asked.

"No thank you, I just wanted to help clean the mess up" I told her. She nodded her head and handed me the rag while she grabbed a big plastic container and headed out to the table, me following her.

"Thank you so much sir, I'm sorry about the disturbance" Larson apologized to the guy. The guy just shook his head and patted Larson's back. "All is good boy" He said and headed back to his seat. Larson sighed and began picking up the broken glass while his co-worker dumped all of the plates into the container as well as the drinks.

I glanced at her name tag and then opened my mouth.

"Hey Larson, why don't we invite Katie and Enrique out to the mall with us" I said. Larson laughed.

"Enrique is going to want to bring his boyfriend" Larson and Katie said in unison. I just smiled.

"The more the merrier."