Early Mourning

It felt strange.

To be in public and walking around. To breathe in so much fresh air at once. To join in the everyday dance of maneuvering through a crowded place and rediscovering automatic things. Basic things really, like if the people in front of us were walking too slow we had to swiftly and politely try find a way around them. Of course there were those funny moments where while we tried getting around one person, they kept getting in our way.

It was just so odd for me and it made me angry at myself. How could I have let this monster inside me keep from the outside world? I just let it ruin my life. What a big mistake that was. How stupid am I?

I feel so envious of everyone around me. Girls laughed together, arms hooked and sunglasses set on their heads. Loose fitting off the shoulder tops and extremely short shorts. Guys walked in small groups, skinny jeans, clothing line T-shirts and short hair.

Was it really the style?

And there was even the small group of odd friends, trying hard be 'scene' or looking so uncomfortable in their own skin. Where did I stand?

It got to me for some reason, how that store had gone from being known for it's specific look to putting on a fake mask, a mask everyone would agree to yet it still held it's own traits inside.

As we walked to the restroom, my own need to relieve my bladder already apparent to myself; I couldn't help but take a mental step back and look at the people I had came here with. James was tall, really tall. Long limbs, lanky, and so skinny. A white flesh canvas covered in the harshness of bright red hair, clean sharp eyebrows, brown eyes and pale pink lips.

By his side stood Enrique with tan mocha skin and dark black hair. Not tall not short, slender and very random. It was weird if you looked at them from the outside, because their appearances didn't fit fell, if you had the mind of what society has built. But their personalities meshed beautifully.

Katie and her golden curls. White skin, freckled face and light green eyes. Then there was Larson, clear, lightly tanned skinny, dragon eyes and brown hair. When the sun hit his face I couldn't help but become breathless.

Me like Larson?

What was my opinion on that anyway? When I really thought about it, my answer was fuzzy.

Besides how could someone as great as him be with someone like me?

The mirror says my exterior is pale skin, green eyes and brown hair mixed with blond highlights. But my insides scream a fucked up monster.

Enrique opened the bathroom door making a beeline for the urinals. I glanced at the sink, bright red hair catching my attention and the instant thought of James popped into my head but the person wasn't nearly as tall as him. I just went to do my business and then walked over to the sinks.

The automatic soap dispenser seemed so high tech to me and I struggled to get the soap. Enrique laughed and grabbed my wrists, his hands slightly wet from washing them before me and then moved it under the dispenser, soap coming out. He then waved his hand under the automatic faucet and shoved my hands under the hot water. I winced, looking to my right and sending him a glare.

A squeak sounded from my left and my head shot in the direction.

I felt time stop.

Right before me stood an all too familiar curly blond hair and blue eye beauty. His eyes locked with mine so many emotions flashed through them, I felt my heart stop,

Julian?

So many thoughts ran through my head.

He looked healthy.
He was glowing.
He looks afraid.
Is he afraid of me?
Where did he get those clothes?
How is his brother?
Is he doing better than I am?
He has to be, right?
How is he here?
Am I dreaming?
Who's here with him?

And then he was gone, quickly darting out of the door. Enrique just stared at me, calling my name and waving his hand in front of my face. I slowly inhaled and like a robot turned around and headed out of the restroom.

Julian?