Early Mourning

I forgot Julian use to love to play the piano. I didn't really remember until I walked into the bedroom at the end of the hall that had been locked for months. It wasn't really much of a bedroom though, just a room filled with the various photographs Julian had taken and a spinet piano his grandpa had given him when we first moved into the house.

We had just gotten out of high school and were going into college, his parents were nice enough to buy a house for the both of us. This house was paid off already, thus why I've been able to live here but Julian didn't want to live here. I don't blame him, this house holds too many bad memories for him. It does for me too, but I deserve to live through the pain.

Julian was always family oriented, his whole family was just so close. And when he and I were together, they treated me like family too.They were nice and loving. I understood where Julian had gotten his personality from, and it made sense. The whole equation of Julian being who he wasbecause maybe he's changed now was there, it was because of how and who he grew up around.

And I was just a fuck up. I always felt bad about his parents treating me like I was worth something when ever I was over. If I wore torn up shoes, they'd drag me to buy new ones. If my jeans were too dirty, they'd drag me to buy new ones and then wash the dirty ones. They bought me stuff even when I refused, they just didn't listen and I'd feel guilty. They were spending their money on me and they didn't have to, but Julian would always comfort me.

I sat down on the piano bench, swiping some of the dust off of the keys. Julian used to be obsessed with a song. He'd always play it on the piano, he cried to it. Strange right? Why play a song that makes you cry? I asked him that, but he just smiled at me, "I just think it's a really beautiful song." He'd say.

It was, but it was also a sad song.


"I think I can play it perfectly now" Julian smiled at me, sitting on his bed with his Casio on his lap. I sat beside him.

"Play it for me" I told him and he nodded excitedly, his blue eyes lighting up.

I watched his long fingers move over the keys, the sound of a grand piano coming out of the speakers. The tone sounded sad but it had a sense of longing mixed into it.

"Last night I forgot, how the sound of your voice whispered sweet, good-byes, your eyes, left to die" He sang along to the piano, the tune lighting up again and lyrics setting the sad tone. I felt my body stiffen as he kept singing, his words swimming around in my head. I looked at his face, but his eyes were closed, and he was completely swept away in a different world.

"I close my eyes and you, are everything I see, goodbye" He sang, his voice going high and his eyes opening up, tears streaming down his face. The piano soon turned into what sounded like a closing, and then it was done.

Julian had loved that song long before he met me, and before I started hitting him and pushing him around. It's a sad twist of fate that the song he used to love is pretty much the theme to what might be going on to both of us right now.

I felt my body start to shake, tears springing up behind my eye lids.

I don't know why I hurt him. I don't get it, if I loved him so much then how could I do that to him? How could I do hurt him. And I still love him, I don't think I'll ever stop but I have to. Look at where still loving him as got me...

I'm a monster. I can't even be normal anymore. I can't fucking sleep in my own room and I can't see a bunch of pictures without remembering what I did and what happened and who I loss.

I have no one...

I have no one....

No one wants me...

The only one left is Larson.

I sobbed loudly, my body falling to the floor and curling up in a ball. My chest ached and my throat was beginning to feel sore but I still continued crying my heart out.

Larson cares right?

I laughed to myself.

He seems to care more than Julian did and he doesn't even know what happened. I told Julian about how my parents were and for the first couple of weeks Julian was so caring bit after a while he got over it and seemed to forget.

I felt a stabbing pain go through my chest and I groaned.

He out of all people just brushed off my problems and forgot about them. Yet here Larson is, barely knowing anything about me and he seems to care so much more.

I owe him...

Maybe I should tell him...