Early Mourning

I remember when he and I first moved into that house...

”And this,” I said, carrying both of the boxes and opening the second door on the left side of the hallway “could be our room.” Julian squealed, his blue orbs lighting up with excitement. He dropped the box in his hand and skipped over to the bed. I smiled to myself, breath catching in my throat as he began jumping on the bed. He laughed, his hair flying everywhere.

“Join me Hun!” He cheered and I rolled my eyes, deciding it was better if I just tackled him onto the mattress. My fingers made their way to his sides, tickling him and soon he was squirming around and gasping for breath.

“D-Dane! S-s-stop! Can't b-breath!” He gasped. I stopped, waiting for him to regain his breath but once he did I sat up and hovered over him.

“You're beautiful” I whispered, tucking some of his hair behind his ear. He smiled at me, eyes catching mine and I leaned down to press our lips together.

I always loved kissing him, loved the taste of his lips and mouth. He lips were always soft and addicting and his skin was baby smooth. I remember sometimes we'd just lay down and kiss for hours, no tongue, just lips. And I'd slip my hands under his shirt and rub every inch of skin my fingers touched. He'd just keep his hands on my neck, keeping me in place. His touch always made my skin tingle, in a good way.

I couldn't get enough of him, never. I always wanted more, one more kiss, one more hug, a minute more to hold his hand, an hour more to stay inside and just hold him in my arms. I never quenched the thirst for my need of him.

So how does one expect me to survive without him? To me Julian was like that light at the end of the tunnel, he was my everything, my safe haven, my salvation. Or so I thought.

“Relax Dane, it wasn't like you actually liked the lamp, you always complained ab-”

Slap.

My hand burned, his mouth was opened in shock; surprised.

We both were.


That was the first time I slapped him, angry just because he broke a lamp. The thing was though was that he had broken other things before, a vase, my favorite mug, numerous cups and platters but I had never been so angry.

When I first laid a hand him, that monster made his appearance.


“Dane stop it!” He cried, trying to push me away but it was no use. My hands grabbed him, the sane part of me unconscious as the monster took over. I shoved him against the wall and then threw him onto the floor, fist connecting with his body.

“Dane!” He yelled, trying to fight back. His knees were curled into his chest, hands out, trying to catch my arms. He was crying, no he was sobbing and screaming. He yelled my name again and again but I just wouldn't stop. My hands kept going and my body kept hurting him no matter how much I screamed at it not too.

“You're hurting me Dane! Why are you hurting me!” He wailed and then it stopped.

I stood before him, watching as he continued to cry and curl into a ball.

“No, no Julian! I'm sorry! I'm so so sorry!” I apologized kneeling to the ground and pulling him into my chest. He tried escaping my grasp but I just held on tighter, sobs beginning to escape my own mouth. “Julian! I'm sorry!” I cried.

“I'm sorry! You know I love you, I'm sorry!”

I rubbed my hands all over his body, rocking the both of us back and fourth and kissing his head and temple repeatedly. He cried, grabbing onto my shirt with shaking hands and burying his head into my neck


I hurt him so much...

I don't know why I said what I said to Larson because it was a lie that I came here by myself. I came here with Julian for college and things were going fine. We had it all, I had it all. I was so sure I'd get my happy ending but then I began to hurt him, and then I started to fail in classes too caught up in regret to pay attention. And then when he left I stopped going all together.

I just couldn't do it.

I couldn't do it without him.

And if I tell Larson, then what would he do?

What anyone normal would do, he'd leave me.

He'd just stay away from me because no one wants to deal with someone who's abusive.

But I need someone.