Early Mourning

They say that things get worse before they get better. That when you hit rock bottom, the only way out is up. That in the end things will be okay, and if things are not okay then it's not the end.

I was stupid to think that my months of suffering and depressing thoughts were over. I was stupid to think that the past was in the past and wouldn't come back anymore. I was stupid to assume that things were going to start to get better, that I was going to start moving up, and things were finally going to be okay.

Because apparently these past few months were not the worst, were not rock bottom, and those few hours wrapped up in Larson's arms was not the beginning of being okay.

Apparently I can't get a fucking break and I can't be happy for a full day anymore.

This blissful naïve mood was meant to end tonight.

My hands were wrapped around a bottle of vodka, feet stepping out of Larson's car. He stood beside me and wrapped his arm around me, both of us walking up to the door of the house. I kept my gaze to the ground, butterflies going mad in my stomach.

I was so fucking nervous. Tonight I was going to be at party, I was going to be immersed in a crowded home with strangers. Most importantly though, those strangers would meet me under the assumption that I was dating Larson, that we are an item.

We're not. At least not yet.

I wouldn't mind.

I wouldn't mind spending my days with this beautiful boy who makes me feel happy.

Larson chuckles beside me and presses a kiss to my head, "You're adorable." He tightens his arm around my waist and pulls me into his side and then opens the front door of the house. I keep my gaze to the carpet as he greets people and shakes hands with some. I only send a smile to James' cousin Jude.

He just grins in response and tells Larson that I'm cute, and if his boyfriend and I met, we would look insanely cute together. I press my face into Larson shoulder in embarrassment, receiving another chuckle. Jude just directs us to the kitchen.

"Would you guys mind starting to pour some drinks" he asks. Larson just answers that it's fine.

Next thing I know, I'm mixing drinks with him whispering steps into my ear. My eyes stay focused on my hands as they try to follow Larson's directions. His breathy voice is beginning to do things to me but I know that's the reason he's doing it all in the first place.

Somehow we miss surprising James when he walks in, but I don't really mind. People start making their way into the kitchen and grabbing the drinks Larson and I have prepared. He slips away to greet James and use the restroom, leaving me to mix alcoholic beverages on my own.

I ignore meeting faces and just keep my eyes on my hands as they continue to make various drinks. Even when things start to slow down and fewer people come in to grab a beverage, Larson doesn't return.

I'm not prepared to meet stranger without him so I stay put and just keep my gaze on my hands.

I keep my gaze on them when someone asks me if I can get them a water bottle from the refrigerator. I keep my gaze until I hand the water over and I see scars covering the other persons wrists. My eyebrows furrow and my eyes slowly follow up the person's arms.

Then my eyes meet blue ones, framed by curly blond hair.

That's the moment I realize that I can never be okay. . .

We stare at one another for a few moments, wondering if our eyes are deceiving us but they aren't. And when I pull my gaze away from him I realize that this house I've been in for a few hours is his.

I've unknowingly stepped foot in Julian's houseand he's standing right in front of me.

I don't know what to do, what to say. But he makes it apparent quickly.

Julian starts to scream like a banshee. I stumble back into the refrigerator behind me and my body freezes up. He starts to pick up the prepared drinks and throws them at me. People start to flood into the kitchen and watch him. My clothes begin to get soaked by alcohol.

Someone manages to push through the crowd and ask him what's wrong, but all Julian has to do is point at me. That person turns, it's Julian's younger brother, it's Romeo. Romeo who's become a skyscraper and now hovers over his older brother.

Romeo's eyes darken and he immediately starts making his way towards me. As soon as his hand clenches around my bicep, my body kicks into defense mode and I start to fight against him. We both begin to wrestle, he tries to get control over me but I won't have it.

Julian just crumbles to a mess and I can see Jude rushing to his side and pulling him into his arms.

I start to connect the dots.

Julian is with Jude.
Jude is James' cousin.
James is with Enrique.
And Enrique is Larson's friend.

I start to scream and fight harder against Romeo but soon Julian's father is starts to help and pushes me through the crowd of people and towards the door.

"Just get out, get the fuck out" Romeo yells at me again and again.

"I'm sorry- I didn't know- I didn't- I'm sorry" I blubber out before they shove me into their front lawn. I just lay there.

"Don't you ever fucking step foot in this house again, Dane" Julian's father roars.

My body trembles, my lungs hurt, my eyes are blurry with tears. I struggle to push myself onto my knees and stand up.

"I'm sorry" I whisper and turn to look back at the two of them ushering their guest back into the house.

My finger reach up and wipe liquid from my nose, it's blood.

Shoes step into my line of vision.

I look up.

It's Larson.

I run.

I run away and I don't stop.I don't look back.