Early Mourning

"Shut up" I whimpered.

I winced when I felt the monster deep inside my head growl, bringing up every slap and punch I had inflicted upon Julian.

"Shut up" I growled, gripping onto the steering wheel of my car. My fingernails dug into it and I felt the tears in my eyes finally spill. "Just shut up!" I yelled, slamming my fist on the dashboard and pulling out of my driveway.

I had literally cried myself to sleep last night. Though it was indeed something common for me, it had been a while since it had happen. I was too numb to let anything affect me. I woke up only a mere fifteen minutes ago and thrown on some clothes. It was about three in the afternoon and I was heading to the cafe.

The second I had woken up, the monster within me began to throw a relentless riot in my head. With me already being sick, it felt terrible. It yelled and scream, taking out it's anger on me. It tortured me with various memories of the times I had abused Julian. The monster had never shown me the few moments before I began to hurt him though, not until today.

It pains me so much to know that it took over, over such small reasons. I heard myself whimper and I growled, realizing I had reached the familiar building. I blinked my eyes, turning of the car and leaning back in my seat. How did I even manage to get here safely? The monster hissed, muttering something at me before he lazily went back into hiding and I furrowed my eyes brows.

He yelled. He would scream, he would torture me. But I could never understand what he was saying.

My hands undid the seat belt and my body moved on it's own while my mind stayed blank. I was walking and then I was sitting in the familiar table in the cafe and Larson slipped into the seat in front of me.

"Hey" He said softly, our eyes making contact for a split seconds. I gave him a sad smile and nodded my head. Larson sighed and shook his head, his eyes looking at me with concern. "You look horrible, what happened?"

I know it was abnormal.

Ridiculous.

Unnecessary.

I know he was just being nice.

Concerned.

Being a friend.

But the monster within me lashed out quickly and I was yelling at the boy in front of me. I don't know what I was yelling, don't know what had caused him to look so sad and broken but it pained me so much. I hated not being able to control myself and soon I was walking out of the cafe, getting into my car and slamming the door shut.

Only when I pull back into my own driveway did I feel this sudden sense of guilt and regret.

I broke down again.