Let the Flames Begin

The studio was smaller than I expected it to be. I’d been expecting large rooms, plush chairs, bright lights – everything that came with being part of an internationally successful band. I’d been dreading the reality of entering a recording studio for the first time, especially as I still felt like such an amateur compared to the others. But Taylor was helping me to learn guitar all over again, recognize notes and read music. He was a really good teacher and I found that I was picking things up fast, although I still relied on playing by ear for a large amount of the time.

It was refreshing how small the studio was. After the initial shock when entering, I relaxed, feeling immediately calm. Our producer was so laid back and really friendly, and really helped Andy and I’s transition into the studio. We’d both never been in a recording studio before and he respected that. He was patient and calm, and told us what to do in a way that we didn’t feel incompetent.

Monster was recorded in a matter of hours. It was then that Taylor and I decided to show everyone else what we’d been working on. As our producer talked excitedly on the phone about the new track, Taylor and I sat on the couch and picked up our acoustic guitars. Hayley, Jeremy and Andy sat cross-legged on the floor in front of us, eyes wide in excitement and anticipation.

Taylor counted us in and we played the song we’d written together. We were both really happy with the music, and loved everything about it, although we still didn’t have any lyrics to accompany it. Many late nights had been spent writing and playing, trying to get things just right.

After we finished, Hayley ran off. We stared after her in confusion as Andy and Jeremy started to clap. They were both smiling like maniacs and obviously excited.

“That was so awesome!” Andy exclaimed excitedly.

“We’ve gotta write some more parts for that,” Jeremy added.

Hayley returned, her battered notebook in hand. Breathless, she stared at us with wild eyes, her hair out of place.

“I have lyrics!” she screamed. “I’ve had them together for a while but I couldn’t think of the music and what you guys just played fits it so perfectly!”

We started to play the song through again and Hayley sung along, the meaning of her biting lyrics painfully obvious. It was obvious to anyone that Hayley was not taking the departure of the Farros very well, but it really shined through in her outstanding lyrics.

Three days later, we had another new song. ‘Renegade’ was recorded. The same afternoon that was completed, we wrote another, entitled ‘Hello Cold World.’ Things were coming together so quickly and so easily. Everything felt so natural, like we’d been together for years, not months.

Three new Paramore songs. Two new members. A new video to shoot. A new album expected in the coming months. An already sold-out tour. The pressure was building up and we were expected to deliver. More than anything else, I feared failure. I didn’t want to get anyone’s expectations up only to disappoint them. The world was waiting anxiously to see and hear the new Paramore, but what if I failed? What if everything fell apart? What if I wasn’t enough? These thoughts refused to leave me, haunting me constantly.

*

I felt like I was trapped in a zombie movie. The set for the ‘Monster’ video was a massive, abandoned hospital, and the concept of the video was that we were all bashing on the walls and trying to escape as the place blew up and fell apart. I saw crew members bring boxes of explosives on set and my stomach twisted in nervousness. Taylor seemed to sense this, and he grabbed a hold of my hand, squeezing it lightly in reassurance.

“You’re gonna be fine,” he said with a small smile. He placed a soft kiss on my forehead and I fell into him, wrapping my arms around his back. I felt his arms tighten securely around my shoulders and instantly felt better. Taylor was everything I could ever ask for and more.

“I’m nervous,” I said into his tee-shirt.

“Me too,” he admitted. I pulled back to look at him, raising an eyebrow.

“Seriously?”

“Of course!” he replied. “I don’t think anyone is relaxed around explosives.”

I laughed and looked up at him, taking in his gorgeous brown eyes and adorable smile. I still couldn’t believe I was his and he was mine. It was one of the greatest feelings in the world.

“What are you looking at me like that for?” he said, his smile growing wider. I laughed and stood on my tip-toes to kiss him on the lips quickly.

“Just you,” I said after I pulled away.

“Get back here,” Taylor whispered, holding the side of my face in his hand. I smiled and kissed him again, before Andy’s obnoxiously loud voice forced us apart.

“Hey love birds! Let’s blow some shit up!” she yelled. I couldn’t help but laugh. I let go of Taylor to run after her, gaining speed as I chased her across the set, around light fittings and various startled crew members. They laughed at our antics as we rushed past them. I finally caught up with Andy and wrestled her to the ground, the two of us rolling in the dirt as we tickled each other silly.

“You’re insane, Ryder!” Andy said in between giggles.

“You’re impossible!” I retorted, continuing to tickle her. Jeremy had to physically separate us.

“Alright, you two,” he said, laughing. “Time to be movie stars!"

“I’m still trying to get used to being a rock star,” I said with a laugh.

“Oh, Andy’s had no trouble with that at all,” Jeremy said, laughing. “She’s a total diva!”

“Hey!” Andy protested, shoving Jeremy in the shoulder. He laughed and shoved her back, a little too hard, because she fell on her ass. This only caused Jeremy and I to laugh even harder. Andy pouted and got up, rubbing her butt. I bit down on my bottom lip to suppress my laughter, but Jeremy didn’t hold back. He laughed and jeered at her, teasing her like a little sister. Andy suddenly lunged for him and Jeremy took off across the set, Andy hot on his trail.

I didn’t get to see if she ever caught him, as I was ushered into hair and makeup before I was dressed in plain light brown clothing for the first part of the video. I really liked my makeup this time, as it was natural, and they messed up my hair to look amazing. It was nice being waited on, and it was definitely something I could get used to. I wasn’t very fashionable, so it was good to have a helping hand.

A crew member handed me a black electric guitar as I was led into a small room with concrete walls that were partially painted red. I was instructed to just “rock out” for a few minutes, and be really aggressive, before kicking and punching at the walls.

I did as I was asked and played the guitar, wildly thrashing my hair about and head-banging as I did so. I screamed and lunged at the wall, kicking it was as much force as I could muster, before reeling back and turning, continuing to play the guitar and leaning against the wall. I slid down the wall and sat on the ground, the guitar in my lap.

I looked up at the ceiling, screamed again and pushed my back against the wall to stand up again, turning around quickly to smash my fists against it, before resting my forehead against the wall.

“Cut!” the director called out. I looked over at him and ran a hand through my hair, already sweaty from the few short minutes I’d been on film. The bright lights were really hot and it was a good thing my makeup was waterproof.

“Ryder, you were brilliant! I couldn’t have asked for anything more! Just perfect!” he exclaimed. “I love your raw power and energy!”

I thanked him and smiled shyly, handing the guitar back to a crew member.

“Just a moment,” the director said. “Could we shoot one more short sequence of you smashing the guitar against the wall, please?”

“Sure!” I nodded, taking the guitar back and stepping in front of the camera again. The director called action and I swung the guitar over my shoulder before swinging it forward and straight into the wall. I hit the wall so hard with it that the neck snapped from the body.

“Cut!” the director said. A crew member quickly took the guitar from me as another handed me a bottle of water and a towel.

“Marvelous!” the director exclaimed. “Just perfect! You’re a star!”

I blushed and thanked him timidly, feeling nervous again, which was ridiculous, as he’d just told me I had done well. I was taken back to hair and makeup to get redone and changed clothes for the next scenes, which were shot with everyone else. I was excited to see the others, as we’d been isolated all morning to do our separate scenes in the tiny room. I was one of the last ones to shoot my individual piece.

The others were all assembled in one of the hallways of the hospital. I approached them, now wearing torn, denim cut-offs, combat boots and a tank top. I loved that the costume designers seemed to be sticking to my own tomboy style. I felt badass. Taylor immediately embraced me, like we hadn’t seen each other in days, not hours.

Hayley, Jeremy and Andy cooed at us and we broke apart, rolling our eyes and laughing. The director talked us through safety precautions, telling us that we were working with explosives and we’d have to be wary of that and do exactly as we were told. He told us we’d have to act like we were scared and run up the hall as the walls exploded behind us. That wouldn’t be a problem.

The director yelled “Action!” and we all took off in a sprint, racing up the hallway as things exploded loudly behind us. I was genuinely scared. There was no need for acting as I raced up that hallway. Taylor ran beside me and grabbed my hand at one point, and we ran hand-in-hand through the hallways, a small church-looking place, and finally back into the red concrete room. When we reached the red concrete room, we all had to stand separately and look at the walls and ceiling.

My breathing was ragged and I was more than happy when the director called “cut.” We were all handed bottles of water and started talking amongst ourselves about the video as the behind-the-scenes camera filmed us. Hayley turned to the camera and said what we were all thinking.

“There was no acting involved, I was genuinely scared,” she said with a laugh. I laughed and nodded in agreement, high-fiving her. There was still the pool scene to shoot and that took the longest.

The makeup for that particular scene took a really long time and the tight black dresses that the girls had to wear were hard to get on. I was glad that the pool was heated as we all climbed in and were positioned on our backs accordingly by crew members, who were instructed by the director.

The pool scenes seemed to drag on forever, and by the end of it, we were all exhausted. It was already late into the night, and we’d been on set since 7am that morning. It was past eleven at night when we finally got to go home. Taylor called a cab as we were both too tired to drive. I fell asleep in his arms in the back seat.

I remember hearing Taylor pay the cab driver and feeling him pick me up in his arms. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. When he saw that I was awake, he smiled as he fumbled in his pocket for the keys to our house.

“You can put me down now,” I said. Taylor laughed and set me on my feet as he opened the door. Robbie was sleeping over at Hayley’s parents’ house. She’d really hit it off with Hayley’s little sister, Erica, who was the same age, and they were having a sleepover. Taylor and I had the house to ourselves for the night.

I headed straight for the kitchen and picked up the phone to call Robbie. Taylor got two cans of soda from the fridge and slid one across the counter to me. I smiled and popped the top as I waited for Robbie to pick up her phone.

“Ryder! How was it!” her voice came down the line, loud and exuberant.

“Terrifying,” I laughed. “We had to run down hallways with the walls exploding behind us and I got to smash a guitar to pieces.”

“Sounds brutal!” Robbie said. I laughed. ‘Brutal’ was currently her favorite word and she used it for almost everything.

“It was!” I told her. “I can’t wait to see the video. Have you had a good day?”

“Oh, yeah! Me and Erica went shopping together and we met these totally cute boys at the mall! One even asked for my number!”

I immediately frowned in worry. “Be careful, Robbie. I don’t want you getting yourself into any trouble,” I warned her.

“Yes mom,” Robbie drawled sarcastically.

“Please, Robbie,” I sighed. “Just promise me you’ll take care of yourself.”

“I will, Ryder! Don’t worry!”

“Okay…” I hesitated, unsure.

“I gotta go!” she said.

“Taylor will pick you up tomorrow,” I said. “Have a good night.”

“Okay, bye!”

She hung up before I could say goodbye. I put the phone down on the bench and took a sip of my soda, feeling extremely tired.

“You okay, sweetie?” Taylor asked tentatively. I nodded and ran a hand through my hair.

“Just worried about Robbie. She said she met some boys at the mall today,” I admitted. Taylor walked around to me and pulled me into a hug. I rested my head on his chest and closed my eyes, feeling as though I could fall asleep standing up.

“She’ll be fine,” Taylor said. “I’m sure she can take care of herself. She’s smart and she’s aware. She’s strong, too. Robbie’s a lot like you, Ryder,” Taylor said. I nodded against his chest and sighed.

“C’mon,” Taylor said. “Time for bed.”

I didn’t protest as he led me to his room. I took my clothes off slowly, completely overcome with exhaustion, and slipped one of Taylor’s tee-shirts on over my underwear. Taylor stood in nothing but his boxer shorts and I took in his body. He really was gorgeous. I smiled tiredly and got in his bed, looking up at the ceiling as I pulled the covers closer. I felt Taylor get in beside me and turned to face him, kissing him softly as he wrapped his arms around me.

We broke apart and I wrapped my arms around his torso, resting my head on his chest. His arm was securely around my shoulders, his lips leaving butterfly kisses along my collarbone. He was breathing heavily and I turned my head to look at him.

He smiled slightly and stared back at me, his brown eyes full of seriousness.

“I love you, Ryder,” he said.

I gasped in shock.