Let the Flames Begin

“What?” I whispered, my head spinning. “You love me?”

“Yes,” Taylor replied, panic starting to set in his eyes.

“Are you sure?”

“I’ve never been surer of anything,” he said, taking my hands in his. I pushed him away and got out of his bed, running for the door. I heard Taylor yell after me, but I didn’t listen. Tears stung my eyes as I pushed through the front door and ran up the dark street without looking back.

I wondered if he would run after me. I doubted he would. I’d just broken his heart, and for some weird reason I was hurt, too. It didn’t even make sense that I was. All he’d done was told me he loved me and there I was, crying about it like an idiot.

I suddenly felt incredibly stupid. I also felt like the worst person in the whole world. I stopped running and just stood there, throwing my head back to look at the few stray clouds present in the dark sky. They were illuminated by the half-moon and shone so beautifully, in that way that clouds sometimes do.

My breathing was ragged and my legs trembled. I was so out of shape. I started to panic, and soon enough, it wasn’t only my legs that were trembling. My whole body started to shake violently and I collapsed on the road into a crying heap, feeling pathetic and probably looking a lot worse.

Why did I even feel like this?

I tried to work my own brain out. That was a bad idea, because my mind is a fucked up place to be. I hardly understood it myself. I just reacted to things without thinking them through and I hated that. I just ended up hurting people and doing things I regretted. Like leaving Taylor. I shouldn’t have, so why had I?

I asked myself the one question I always asked myself when I found myself in impossible situations. The one question I always had an answer for, no matter what.

What are you so scared of?

What was I so scared of? I asked myself the question over and over as I sat there, crumpled in the dark street. The answer that my mind came up with all on it’s own was something I had not been expecting.

I was scared that I loved Taylor back.

Why was I even scared of love? That was just fucking stupid on so many levels. Was it because I’d never been loved or needed? Probably. The only person who was supposed to love me abandoned me in a shitty apartment. The one person that was supposed to love me, and had told me so, had failed me, and walked out. My own mother had left, when I had no doubt in my mind that she would stay with me forever. It was like she pulled the rug straight out from under my feet and I ended up landing on my ass. And now, thanks to her, I had all this emotional shit to deal with.

It was like I was seeing my life clearly for the first time. I’d been pushing away the memories of my teen years, the memories of my mother, because I didn’t want to remember. I wanted to forget. But when someone impacts on your life so hugely, you can’t just walk away from it. You can’t just black out that part of your life and pretend it didn’t happen. Because it did. And whether or not you like it, it changed you. And that sucks.

“Ryder?”

I snapped my head in the direction of the voice, my eyes wild. Taylor stood before me, his hands in his pockets, his eyes rimmed with red. He had very obviously been crying. He looked cautious, and maybe a little scared. I felt like a wounded animal caught in the headlights. I was acting like it, too.

“What are you doing here?” I choked out, my voice thick.

“I had to run after you,” he said, like that explained everything.

“Why?” I couldn’t understand why a boy like him would want to run after a girl like me.

“I’ll never leave you alone,” Taylor said, tears escaping the corners of his eyes. I stared at him in disbelief. It was like he knew exactly what I needed to hear. He wasn’t leaving me. He’d stay. Always.

I didn’t think. I reacted.

I picked myself up off the ground and threw myself at Taylor, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his shoulders. I buried my head in his shoulder and held on tight, hoping that he’d understand, or at least try to.

“I’m so sorry, Taylor,” I sobbed, maintaining my tight grip on him. I felt him wrap his arms around my back and pull me closer to him. He kissed me on the cheek and whispered what I thought was, “it’s okay.”

Taylor carried me all the way home, never once complaining. We were silent for what felt like a thousand years. He put me down gently in his bed and got in after me, wrapping his arms around my torso and pulling me to his chest. He brushed the hair back from my face and kissed my cheek. I turned in his arms to face him, grabbing his tee-shirt and tilting my head to kiss him.

He kissed me back, and it was the most passionate kiss I have ever experienced in my life. I could feel so many different emotions coursing through my body as it happened. There was such a strong feeling of desperation and urgency behind the kiss, so much so that it felt like this was the last kiss I would ever experience in my life. And it was perfect. In that moment, I knew that Taylor could heal the hole in my heart. He would be my saving grace.

We broke apart, and I just stared at him, my eyes taking him in. I didn’t know what to say to make it better. What I had done was erratic, completely unexpected, and unforgivable. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, my voice cracking. “I hurt you.” Taylor closed his eyes and rested his forehead against mine.

“It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have freaked you out like that. I’m so sorry,” he said. We were so closely pressed together that I felt his heart rate accelerate.

“It’s my fault. I’m so pathetic,” I said, more to myself.

“Don’t ever say that,” Taylor said seriously, fire in his tone. He opened his eyes and stared at me in a way that scared me. I’d never seen him so fired up before.

“I was so afraid,” I said now, closing my eyes. “So afraid that if I loved you back, you’d disappear.”

“What? That’s crazy,” Taylor said, cupping the side of my face in his hand.

“No, it’s not. That’s life,” I said. “Things change and so do people’s feelings and everybody just leaves and life doesn’t stop for anybody.”

“I’m never going to leave you, Ryder. I can’t imagine me without you.”

“But what if I leave because I’m too stupid and too scared to see what’s right in front of me is the best thing that’s ever happened to me in my life? What then?” I said. Taylor was silent for a long time.

“You’re a renegade,” he whispered, almost inaudible.

“I know that better than anybody, Taylor. But I don’t want to be that. I just want to be with you,” I said, my voice cracking. “But I can’t change who I am. People don’t change.”

“People do change, Ryder. If they want to.”

I just looked at him. He sighed and rolled over, his back to me. That was it, then. Over.

I stared at him and wondered what he was thinking. I wanted to know more than anything. I kept looking at him as a million different thoughts raced through my mind. They were so fast, and there were so many, but I finally caught one. One of those thoughts. And then I just looked at Taylor’s back and opened my mouth and uttered the most true words I have ever spoken in my entire existence.

“Just for the record, I love you, too.”