My New Addiction

Stephen

Big Time Rush was playing when John and I entered Jess’ house. I was surprised to see Brian there. I haven’t seen him in a week and we haven’t been practicing much, so… I still can’t help wonder why Big Time Rush was playing.

“JOHN! STEPHEN!” Courtney shouted and went straight to hug both of us. “It’s so fucking good to see you.”
I’ve gotten used to everyone’s constant use of the word ‘fucking.’ No one ever minds that we curse excessively.

“So, what’s up?” We proceeded to the backyard, grabbing a red cup on my way then I see Jess talking to Chelsea across the room. “How was Texas? I heard you were with Mayday Parade.”

“It was great, it was fun.” Courtney said. “How about you, how have you been?”
“I’m great. Same old, same old.” I replied.
“Is it still her?” I knew it. I knew that she knew. Courtney knows everything. That’s why her hair is so red. It’s fresh with secrets.
“How’d you know?” I said, surprised.
“Oh, I know alright.”

I fell silent.

“So it is her? Jess right?” She continued, whispering her name.
“It’s always her.”
“What about Ronnie?” Oh, right. Ronnie. That bitch who cheated on me two years ago.

We got home from tour a day earlier than expected so we decided to chill in Starbucks. The band and the crew sat on the seats nearest to the window. Brian looked out and asked if that was Ronnie.

“Hey, Stephen. Isn’t that Ronnie with the random dude outside?” Brian said.

I turned my head and saw her. Her hands were intertwined with a guy an unfamiliar face.

“I doubt it. She told me she was sick and couldn’t move a single bone in her body.” I refused to believe it was her. I assumed the guy was just a relative. So as I was about to give her a phone call, I saw her give the guy a kiss on the lips. Relatives don’t hold hands. Relatives don’t kiss each other passionately. I don’t deserve this. What the-

Then Jobe goes out of the store, the rest of us followed.
“Hey, bro. Just wondering, what’s your name?” Jobe asked the guy.
"Ben," he replied.
“Well, BEN.” He said, “Here’s to my friend Stephen.” Then he punched Ben in the face.
You have to thank god for friends like Jobe. I decided to run to my house, cursing at everything that was in my way, slamming the door as I reached my room. Ronnie and I dated for about a year and there’s no denying I’ve been hurt. If there’s one thing I hate the most, it’s getting hurt. Then, Jess enters the room unexpectedly and quickly fixed what was once broken.

“I loved her so much. She cheated on me. But… but why can’t I…”
“I know, Stephen. And I swear, it’s gonna be okay. You’ll get over this soon…”and I did

But I loved her so much. Our relationship was picture perfect except for one little flaw.
She wasn’t Jess. Maybe that's why Ronnie cheating on me wasn't such a big deal to me.

All along, it's been Jess.

“Have you been practicing though? I’m guessing there’s always one who doesn’t show up.”
“Brian.” I said. “Always.”
“Faggot. I’m right here.” Brian said as he went outside, opening the sliding door.
“Good to see you too, Brian.” I replied, raising my cup to him.

I looked away from Brian and saw Jess approaching me. She was wearing a white shirt and a blazer on top of it
"I'm so hungry." she said.
"You always are." I replied
"Shut up." she said, finishing her drink and putting the empty cup on the table behind us.
"Courtney, when is the pizza going to get here?" she shouted as I was a mountain between them.
"In a minute, Jess!" Courtney shouted back and probably piercing my eardrums.

As soon as the pizza arrived, the band and crew took their seats around the wooden table. In the midst of our small get together, I received a text from Ronnie saying Ben left her and she needs my company. I really don't know how I my face looked but as soon as I looked up from my phone, Jess asks me what was wrong. I just can't fathom how well Jessica knows me.

"Is it her?" She asked.
"I'm pretty convinced that you have ESPN, Jess."
"It's ESP, Stephen." She said.
"It's from Mean Girls, Jessica." I replied.
"Touche." she answered back. "well?"
"Yes, it is her."
"What are you going to do about it?"
"Absolutely nothing." I ignored my phone and finished my cup instead.
"That's more like it." she replied, taking a bite out of her slice of pizza.

Then I recall the date today. Three years ago, we got signed. I remember we told our parents that we wanted to be in a band and not in college, Jess' parents agreed right away, thinking that it will save them a ton of cash if Jess didn't go while the rest of us had to convince our parents that this was for the common good.

Eventually, dad and Mr. Bowen got a job in Florida, taking their wives with them and the three of us got left behind in Arizona. Technically, John, Jess and I have been living alone for about 3 years already.
Of course, they came back home during holidays, we visited them while we're on tour and we try to talk as much as possible but it still feels empty. That's why being in a band means a lot to me. It fills up the empty space in my soul. And this is where my feelings for Jess enter and interfere.

If I confess and find out she doesn't love me back, everything's gonna be awkward, she's gonna quit the band, the band's going to crash and burn and so will my life if she leaves. I can't let my feelings ruin our friendship and the band.
I'll be nothing without the band. More importantly, I'll be nothing without her.