And I Think I'll Try Any

“Have you heard anything?” I begged Spencer in question. Every night I would ask. It was always the same negative answer. It puzzled me how Spencer could just quit speaking to Ryan cold turkey. A childhood friendship gone awry.

I didn’t mean to rip them apart. I never wanted that, but something happened. At the time of the split, Spencer seemed unaffected, almost as if he saw it coming. How awful was that? It made me feel guilty, very guilty. If it weren’t for my heart, everything would be fine. If it hadn’t pushed Ryan into taking a chance on me, Spencer would still have a best friend.

“Will you quit asking me that? You know we don’t speak,” he answered sourly. Spencer was a sour lemon about Ryan. Acid would spew from his mouth when he spoke of him. Bitter Boy was who he had become. There was no solution to the matter.

Sighing, I approached him. He couldn’t run from me. We were stuck together on a moving bus. “You’ve got to! How can you just drop your best friend like that? You’ve had to have spoken to him. Spencer, be honest.” I tried to reason with him, but he just kept giving me that sour look.

His brows furrowed and his lips formed a tight line. Glaring at me, he simply turned himself in the opposite direction.

“Don’t ignore me, Spencer!” My hand touched his shoulder. “Spencer, I’m begging you. If you’ve heard anything, please tell me.”

“Why don’t you just go find him yourself?” Spencer moved away.

I sank onto the couch. My limbs felt heavy. The fog was setting in. “Where do I start? I have no idea where to go.”

“Call him or did you delete his number?”

My eyes were downcast. I had gotten rid of his number in a fit of anger. Seeing his name, calls, messages drove me insane. I’d claw at bed sheets and scream at showerheads.

Clunk!

Spencer’s phone sat before me. It was a little beaten, but it worked.

“Take it. You’ll find him towards the end.” Spencer then left for the back where Ian and Dallon were.

I looked at the phone, stared at it. Was he really that close? My fingers grazed over the phone. I wanted to hear his voice again, but I was so scared. Yet, the feeling of being so close to your first love was hard to resist.

Unbeknownst to Spencer, the closest thing I had to Ryan with me was vanilla deodorant. The clean, sweet smell was the one scent I could always associate with my tall, lanky, ex-lover. Every morning, after my shower, I would put it on and it would always flood my mind with the image of his body next to mine. It was times like those that pulled on my heart the most.

My fingers tapped on the buttons of Spencer’s phone. Scrolling through his phone book, I read aloud the names and counted in my head how close I was to Ryan’s name. Then there it was. Highlighted and staring me in the face, there it was.

“It’s do or die. Now or never,” I said to myself before pushing the green button. Finger on the trigger, I fired. The phone was soon next to my ear.

The ringing caused me to sweat. Ryan was so close, so very close. What would I say? What would he say in response to that? My heartbeat pulsed in the center of my brain.

“Spencer?” Ryan’s voice asked, sounding confused. He wasn’t drunk, but he didn’t sound okay.

“R-R-Ryan?” I asked, stutter heavy in my voice. It was light and worried, like a small child when they see their parent crying.

“Brendon…” he trailed off. “What do you want?”

I bit my lip. “Can we talk?”

“Can you?”

“Ryan, please. I don’t know what went wrong, but why did you just leave like that? I know we said it was musical differences, but you and I know it was much more than that. It was so much more. We were so much more. What happened?”

“It was musical differences. Emotional differences as well. You’re clearly over it. I heard the album. You regret us and, quite frankly, I do too.”

“What? No! No, no, no, Ryan. That’s not what I meant. That’s not what I meant at all.” I began to ramble in hopes to explain how I never regretted him. I was just angry. I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to see him. I wanted to try again. I wanted so much.

He sighed. “Well, then is that all?”

“Can we see each other?” I asked. Nervousness was flowing freely through my veins.

He sighed again. “Brendon, do you really want to do that?”

“I do!” I answered, nodding furiously. I only regretted letting him go. Since doing that he’s been everywhere for me.

Ryan laughed. “Calm down there buddy. I think we can meet. You’re still in California, ye’?” His voice still held that twang in it. It made his voice unique to him.

“Yeah, I’m still in California,” I answered. He was so close and I could feel it. I had only seen him in pictures since the whole split. To see him in the flesh would be more rewarding.

“Tomorrow, meet me at Starbucks. You should know which one. It was our spot,” he told me.

That little blurb of information made me hold on to some hope. He could still remember our spot and wanting to meet there seemed to show something to me. Any little hope I could grab, I was going to take.

“Goodnight then, Brendon,” Ryan’s voice cut back into my mind. It held a sweetness to it or I was imagining the sweetness because it had been so long since Ryan said goodnight to me.

Sighing, I smiled. “Goodnight Ryan,” I whispered into the phone. “See you tomorrow.”

The call then ended and I turned around to see Spencer had returned. He was shaking his head. You could, clearly, tell he was not happy. His pose gave it away.

“You’re stupid for seeing him. I could understand speaking to him, but seeing him wouldn’t help you at all. You’re being naïve and stupid,” he said, moving his hands wildly about. “How could you be so dumb?”

My jaw dropped at his reaction. “Just go away then! You’ve seen how I’ve been. This is going to be one of the happiest moments of my life,” I yelled at him.

“When he breaks your heart again, don’t come back a wreck. Now give me my phone.” Spencer snatched what was his and went back to where he was.

I wasn’t being stupid. I needed this. I needed to see Ryan once more and to speak to him once more. This was more for my benefit than anything. It was just that way. I could finally silence the voice in the back of my mind. I could silence the haunting that was Ryan Ross.