Resistance Is Useless

“Karina, trust me on this,” Neil Clinton was the lawyer I contacted. One phone call to a family friend and I got his information. I didn’t say why I needed him. He was supposedly one of the best lawyers, but I’d lost all hope.
“Push everything aside, you testify against the four of them the judge will cut you some slack. You’re not going to get much help if you don’t. The judge won’t give you a break,” He said. “You’ve already been honest. I’ll be there with you. All you have to do is testify, but it’s your choice.”
“I can’t,” I said. My voice cracked as I tried to even my breathing. “This wasn’t even supposed to happen. I didn’t know Alex- He said he was going to protect me!”
“And I understand, but there’s nothing else I can do or say other than make this case to the judge two days from now. I definitely cannot promise you anything, I’m sorry.”
I put my face in my hands, silently crying. This was weak. I was exhausted after being interrogated for hours on end. I’d given up. I’d fought for him. Alex said he had everything under control. He was supposed to be there for me, and now he wasn’t. We were going to be permanently split up now. I didn’t want to think about it. Alex couldn’t go prison. Hell, I couldn’t go to prison. No one was supposed to get caught. That was the plan.
I wanted to know how the guys were dealing with it. They were men, they weren’t going to cry over it. The four of them supposedly confessed. I knew Alex would admit to it. There was no way out or around this. When the feds get you, there’s no fair trial. Everyone knew that. You don’t get bail or probation. They obviously had enough evidence to point us out.
I didn’t want to keep crying. If I was going to go to prison, why even bother with a trial if I wasn’t going to have Alex with me anymore. I didn’t even make it to my mother. She’d be ashamed to know that her only daughter was getting sentenced because over a guy. I would turn out just how her and my dad expected me to, a failure.
The feds had every piece of dirt and record on me down to when I was a teenager. Everyone did stupid stuff back then when you were with your friends. I’d done a lot of things and hung out with the wrong people. I got myself back together to prove that I could do something, until I met Alex.
“I think it’s in your best interest that you testify,” Clinton went on after letting me think. “You all confessed. You should really think about it.”
I didn’t respond to him. I sat there, looking down at my hands folded on the table. I watched him get up from the corner of my eye. He took his briefcase and folder, walking out the door and back to the others. This was going to be hard.

-

Words could not express how glad and yet anxious I was to see Alex, despite the fact that he was in handcuffs. He didn’t seem to be falling apart the way I was. I was allowed to talk to him if we were watched by the feds. However, he couldn’t talk to any of the guys because of some “conspiracy” rule.
“Alex,” I sighed in relief. I wrapped my arms around him, clutching the middle of the metal handcuffs in my hand. I could feel the tears coming to my eyes again. I pressed my face against his shirt.
“I’m sorry,” He said somberly. “So fucking sorry. I can’t even tell you what’s going to happen now, but it’s going to be alright. I love you so much, Kari.” He kissed my hair while I choked out more sobs.
“Kari, look at me,” He said. I lifted my chin to look at him and for the first time, it looked like even he was going to cry. “You defend yourself. I don’t care what you have to do, defend yourself. You’re strong.”
“Alex, I--” I paused, “They want me to testify.”
“Then do it, for yourself, for me. I can’t let you be punished for something we did,” He said. “I swear to you, I’ll be okay.”
One of the feds cleared his throat behind us, basically telling us time was up and we had to go.
“Just remember that I love you so fucking much, Karina, and you’ll get through this,” He said. “I’m sorry.”
“Stop saying that,” I said quietly. He leaned down, kissing me tenderly. I wished that he could hold me. I wished a lot of things at this point. “I love you, Alex.” The one thing I’ve told him so many times, was true but seemed so insignificant to how I was really feeling. I loved him more than I could say.

-
“Have you made up your mind yet?” Clinton asked again when he walked back into the interrogation room. He sat across from me at the table.
I nodded slowly. My hands were shaking and my stomach flipped. I didn’t want to, but Alex told me to. I’d do it for him.
“I-I’ll testify,” I stuttered, looking down at my hands. “What do you need to know?”
Clinton laid his briefcase out on the table and opened it. He took some papers, pens, and other things from it and put them on the table. He looked up at me.
“Alright, then let’s get started.”