Irreversible

It was a smell that left a great deal of things to be desired, the smell of the hospital, I lay here all day, wishing, somehow, I could get up and go outside to sniff the flowers me and my mommy had planted last spring that had re-grown again this year in an amazing abundance of colour.

I didn’t understand my situation well, but I did have a large comprehension of what kind of situation I was in. I was in a hospital, in a room, and I couldn’t move, no matter how bad I wanted to, or the nice Dr. Bells wanted me to, I just couldn’t. All I could do was lay there and nice Dr. Bells said it was because a mean man had made something go through me head and made me go asleep for a very long time. I hadn‘t gotten what he meant, I wasn‘t asleep, and, sometimes I think he knew that because he would talk to me, seemingly, at every chance he got.

Dr. Bells was a nice man, and when I couldn’t sleep, or whatever I did when I wasn’t thinking for a time, I thought about him and the nice things he said to me. He told me a lot about his life, about his deceased mother and father, about his uncle, and sometimes, when I was lucky, he’d tell me about his love, Daniel. He only ever told me about Daniel when no other doctors or nurses were around though, I don’t know why, it was odd, Daniel seemed like the kind of guy that, if you loved, you’d want to brag about, but Dr. Bells never did.

Other times, I thought of my sister, I really loved my sister. Whenever I thought about her I thought about how nice she was and how we had never seemed to fight like all the other boys and girls in my old class said their sisters did with them, one boy even said he and his older sister always beat each other up, even over the remote! I can’t imagine me and Cor ever doing that. I also sometimes remembered getting hit with a water balloon and laughing with mommy Marge and sister, I thought maybe these thoughts should be happy, and that I should enjoy thinking them, but there was a lingering sadness, like, I was forgetting something. Dr. Bells said when me and mommy Marge had been found by nice police men that there had been a bag of water balloons, crushed, sitting on the porch.

Sometimes, when I was really sad and wanted to cry I would scream really loudly in my head and beg Dr. Bells to hear me and comfort me.

He never did though.

Blinking inside my head, I tucked my mind-arm under my chin and hummed softly in the back of my imaginary throat the lullaby mommy Marge had sung to me when I was really little, it was a sad lullaby about a birdie, stuck in a sad world, where he couldn’t breath and was constantly wandering above the chimney tops to try and escape the smell so he could go back to his family.

I guess I knew how Mr. Birdie felt, stuck all alone up there, hating the way everything around him smelled and wishing he could go home. It’s a really sad lonely feeling I wouldn’t want anyone, even people, I hated to go through, not even Desiray!
“Olly,” I heard Dr. Bells, and pretended I could raise my head to look at him, smiling, “honey, you have visitors. I think you’ll be happy to know who they are, baby girl.” I cheered inside my head at this announcement, the only visitors I seemed to be getting nowadays were men who smelled like old paper work or too much cologne and only wanted to know if I had shown any signs of waking up.

I tried to settle and even tried to get my brain to tell my neck to move my head so I could look at my visitor, but, nothing happened, and I wanted to cry again.