An Array of Colors

What Cobalt did was so romantic. I was so happy that I wanted to just scream it to the world, but I would never do something like that. If I were going to do something I’d write him a poem or draw something. I wasn’t the screaming type. My voice got hoarse, and I hated getting odd looks. And it’s hard to scream without getting odd/panicked looks.

Why is it that girls can be all over each other, hugging and slapping each others asses, but when guys even shake hands at this school they’re automatically accused of being gay? As I walked down the hallways I noticed this. I’ll bet I shouldn’t even be talking to Cobalt if I want to keep up my straight reputation. But I don’t know if I wanted to do that anymore. He seemed to be getting less crap about being gay lately. And I didn’t feel like hiding.

My whole life was centered around hiding, and I was done. I was like the rabbit crawling out of the hole in my drawing. He’d seen a chance to finally come out. Especially since I doubt Cobalt would want to be with a rabbit in the hole.

We were supposed to be meeting up after school and going to Cobalt’s and I was excited. I hadn’t been to his house yet, and this would be our first time hanging out since we were official. We were probably going to work on that English assignment which we hadn’t touched yet, and it was due pretty soon. I think it was next week…

“Ready to go?” Cobalt asked me.

I nodded, getting into his car. The scenery was bright and colorful. The leaves dropped from the trees onto the awaiting ground that was littered with previously fallen foliage.

It was a beautifully stained picture painting itself out in front of me. Each leaf was dyed a different shade of orange or red, blending into one large life-size canvas. I smiled at the scene splayed out in front of me; so ravishing and heartwarming. To realize it was such a dazzling world.

Then with Cobalt sitting next to me in the passenger seat with music playing quietly in the background. There was a silence between us, but it was comfortable instead of awkward. I felt like I was in a movie and this was just a dream. Soon I was going to wake up and grasp that nothing this good could happen to me. But thankfully I knew it was real and that I was just that lucky.

There were only a few things I was sure about and how long this relationship was going to last wasn’t one of them, but I saw no need to dwell on that when I could just appreciate it while it lasted. And that’s what I would do, because appreciation is the key to life. Value everything you have. That’s my motto. Because I realized a while back that eventually you have to loose it, so don’t take it for granted. And I didn’t do that anymore. Not after I’d lost my parents…

“Um, Silver? We’re here.”

I jerked out of my reverie to look at Cobalt.

“Uh, sorry…just spacing…”

As we got out of the car I saw a huge house in front of me. It could probably fit our whole junior class. Ok, exaggeration…I followed Cobalt closely, not wanting to get lost in this large residence. He led me to his room, and we didn’t run into anyone along the way. Was it only him that lived here?

“So, do you want to get started?”

I nodded and pulled out my notebook.

“So, umm…what did you think we could do this on?”

“I don’t know…what are you struggling with right now? I think we can both agree that we’re having troubles with our sexuality. Me getting bullied, and you in the closet.”

I was a little nervous about that, but I had promised to myself that I would come out. So maybe through this poem would be a good way to do it.

We put our heads together and soon our hands were flying across the table thinking of verses and rhyming. It was and original scheme and the words cut deep into us. We’d told each other about our parent’s and our stories were combined into that about how it affected us. Then we put in information about our relationship and how if we didn’t understand ourselves we couldn’t really be together. But we were going to try and understand ourselves because we know there’s something there between us.

I couldn’t wait to present it to the class tomorrow. Mrs. Bazaar said we could go early if we finished and Cobalt and I had finished that in one sitting. It was so full of raw emotion and hurt, but there was an undertone of hurt. I knew Mrs. Bazaar would be proud of us. Even though it was only three pages and she’d wanted it to be longer, but it was excellent, not to sound conceited.

“You wanna just crash here? It’s late.”

I looked at the clock and saw it was already 12:30. I did kind of need sleep and I doubted I could get home safely, I’d probably fall asleep in the car. I wasn’t good at staying awake for long. I was surprised I’d even made it this late. So it was probably safest to just stay here.

“Yeah, that’s fine right?”

“Of course, your mom won’t be worried though?”

“No, she’s probably working the night shift again.”

“K, well you can stay in the guest room then…”

His voice was fading as my eyes closed slowly.

RIIIING!!!

I woke up almost having a heart attack. I don’t have an alarm clock. This isn’t my room. Where am I???

Someone shifted beside me and I glanced over to see Cobalt. Oh yeah…

This is why I don’t sleep over at people’s houses. Because I always have panic attacks in the morning. Especially when I’m not at my own house, but even then I do.

“Can I borrow some of your clothes?”

“Yeah sure.”

A shirt and pants landed on top of my head and I pulled them on. Then we rushed out the door.

I glanced at the clock on his dashboard and saw this was when I’d normally be waking up. He really did live far away, but so did I... On the way to school I fell back asleep, even though I tried to keep my eyes open.

We rushed to the art room as soon as we got there, about a half-hour early. Grabbing our work we dove into it. We’d gotten there even before Mr. White.

I didn’t even notice the time flying by, the people coming in and out of the room. I only noticed that the second period was over when Cobalt nudged me and said we had to go.

The rest of the day passed agonizingly slow until we finally reached English.

“Ok everyone, Cobalt and Silver would like to present their poem to us today, so if you’d all be quiet and respectful I’d appreciate that,” Mrs. Bazaar announced to the class.

We walked up to the front with the set up all planned and we started reciting.

“*Abandoned and forgotten
In an empty house
Not a home
The sweet warmth of my mother’s embrace
Which is so soft
Yet so rare
The roughness of my father’s deep voice
Which I never even hear
Left all alone
To cope on my own

The clouds block the sunshine
That tries to break through
And shine in the empty window
All other light sources gone away
Leaving me
In the dark thinking
Nobody loves me because I am gay
So I struggle internally
And True Me tries to shout
As Fake Me kicks True Me out

I’m not deserving
Of anybody’s love
As long as I stay me
And continue my sin
But is God real?
Does He keep me alive?
Will he let me into Heaven
If I’ve no will to survive?
I struggle through each night
But I’m losing the fight

Can I seek help?
From where and from whom?
Can something nonexistent
Help me, or should I look somewhere else?
Can I hold on
Or should I let go?
I think I still want to be myself
I don’t really know
So I reach out for someone
‘Cause I’m coming undone

Save me
From being alone
Keep me company
Throughout the day
I need you
For support
I don’t see any other way
Without getting hurt
If we stick together
You’ll have me forever

We were both left
Alone and unheard
We held the same method
To cope and to vent
I’m glad
We don’t know
How things could’ve went
If we had nowhere to go
When we have sorrow
When we have new dreams for tomorrow

Just stick together
You and me
Forever united
As one
Because no matter our battle
No matter our match
When we’re together we’ve always won
Each rough spot we’ll patch
We’ll stitch and we’ll sew
No matter our battle, I love you, you know

I may be conflicted
I may be confused
But baby
You are too
Everyone is
It’s a well-known fact
But it’s the things that we do
That’ll keep us intact
So pick up the tape, pick up the glue
We’ll put back together me and you

You be my aid
And I’ll be yours
Can you perform surgery
On my divided brain?
My decisions are hard
For it to make
Can you unite the fork in the lane?
I don’t want another mistake
It’s hard to accept change
When continuity is in range

But I understand
I must end the fight
It’s not healthy
That’s what I’ve realized
That if I’m not united
How can we be a we?
I see through new eyes
That I must
All be the same
To earn the name

The label:
Boyfriends”

We grinned at the end, staring at the class’s shocked faces.