An Array of Colors

SKIP TO AUTHORS NOTE. IT'S IMPORTANT

"Let's go in the hot tub!" Fawn shreiked.

A small smile played across my lips. It wasn't often that I saw Fawn so excited and it was nice to see her like this. It made me realize how disconnected I really was to my friends. I really should try to become closer to them. But that was all starting right now.

Fawn and I didn't really care about nudity, so we changed into our bathing suits in the same room. It's not like either of us were looking. I'm obviously gay and she has no interest in me.

Sometimes I think clothes are just an unecessary barrier. If you're close to someone, and I don't just mean romantically, then it shouldn't be difficult to be naked around them. It's kind of like how animals show their bellies to people they trust. I'm not saying once you become friends you should get naked together all the time, but I think that if you're getting changed it shouldn't matter if you're in the same room or not.

I don't want to see my friends naked though, that's not what I mean...Ugh, anyway.

"So," Fawn started, sitting herself in my lap as we got in the hot tub, "Tell me about your life."

"What about it?" I asked, a blush crossing my face. I didn't really want to talk about my problems and that's all I could really think of to say.

"How're you feeling about Silver? I mean, you brought me instead of him."

My face darkened.

"My parents said I could only bring a girl..." I said, trying to keep the pain out of my voice.

But when she started petting my hair I knew it was there. "You can tell me anything Cobalt. I know that you're going through a tough time with them, and I wish you would open up a little."

Tiny tears began to pool in my eyes, but I bit my tongue to keep them back. I wasn't used to people caring about me and wanting to hear what I felt. I knew it sounded pathetic, in fact it was pathetic, but I'd never had the opportunity to make a real, deep conversation.

"I just wish they would accept me...Why does it matter that I like guys, it's not their business. They say that I'm not natural, but it's not like I chose to be this way. Why would I ever do that? I go through hell every day because no one likes fags. Even though I haven't been physically beaten in a while, words attack me every day. I don't see why other people should take the time out of their day to hate me just because I'm different. Don't they have better things to do?" I ranted. A small weight felt like it had been lifted off my chest, although those were just some of my more mellow thoughts. I didn't want to talk about the other things I felt towards my parents. Things I don't even admit to myself half the time.

Fawn just kept quietly stroking my hair, almost urging me to continue. I felt suddenly warm.

Not just because of the hot tub, but because there was someone who cared. Not even romantically, purely platonic. I had a friend. A real one, not just one I put on pretenses with. Not one who only wanted to know my secrets to spread gossip. And one who was willing to watch me go through the bad times, not just the good. That was what I truly wanted.

"Sometimes, I feel like if I didn't have art I would be dead. There's this disconnection I have to everyone else. Like I exist and so does everything else, but we don't coexist. When I'm painting it's like me and the art exist together. I'm no longer seperate. I have something, no matter how small, connecting me to everyone else. And when someone else understands my art that makes me feel so...extraordinary. Like maybe I'm not the only one who thinks the way I do. Maybe I'm not actually alone here. That's why I have such a connection to Silver. He gets my art, and consequently gets me. That's all I really want. Is someone to get me."

I saw something flash in her eye, before it was gone. I don't really know what it was, but it kind of looked like sadness. I couldn't imagine why, but I guess we all have reason to be sad.

"I get that feeling a lot too. I think that's all anybody really wants. Too be understood. My parents don't understand why I'm friends with you. They say, 'No respectable girl should be friends with a fairy.' I hate the way they think. What if I was gay? What would they do to me? Even though I'm not, it scares me to know that they wouldn't accept that."