Wrists

I sat in my car outside of May and Elijah’s house, biting my time, contemplating whether to get out and walk to the front door (and to my inevitable mental death). Was I really going to do this? Was I really going to.... eat? I slightly pulled up my orange T-shirt and looked down at my pale flesh. I could still see a small pudge of skin fat hanging over my kids’ size jeans. I pinched it with my free hand, feeling tears of frustration returning. Why can’t I ever be normal? One moment I look at my reflection and see skin fighting to stay on bones, and then the next I see fat hanging off everywhere. And both of the images are flawed; so, so flawed.

I didn’t have to get out of the car, because soon Elijah was by the passenger seat door, knocking his knuckles against the window. I quickly dropped my T-shirt—fearing he saw what I was doing—and hesitated before unlocking the door for him. Elijah hopped in, clad in his signature leather jacket and tight jeans, blue eyes widening in concern. “What’re you up to, Graham?”

I shrugged, avoiding his gaze. A large hand gently held my chin and forced my head in his direction. I let my green eyes meet his blue ones, and soon I couldn’t look away. I ran my stare over his the stubble dotting his chin, the thick eyebrows above long-lashed eyes, and pink, thin lips. It only took a few extra seconds before Elijah pulled me into a kiss. His tongue prodded stubbornly against my mouth, asking permission to enter, and I let them.

Both of his warm hands cupped my rosy cheeks in their palms, holding me still while Elijah expertly explored my mouth. I shut my eyes tightly, holding tightly onto his shoulders, allowing him to do as he wished. The familiar warmth that came with being in Elijah’s company filled my chest; I never wanted this moment to end. Why couldn’t we had just sat in the car the whole night, kissing and fooling around, and not go to dinner? Why couldn’t we had just drove off somewhere and fell asleep wrapped in one another’s arms, until morning?

Elijah was the first to pull away from the kiss, and I made a low whimpering sound from the sudden lack of heat. A smile played at the corners of his lips; he dipped back in for another small peck on the mouth before completely moving back from me. “I’m glad you came,” he whispered huskily, not tearing his eyes off of my face.

I gave him a shy smile and shoved some curly bangs back from my eyes. “Me too.” Sure, it was a semi-lie. But I did want to spend some more time with Elijah, and even if this wasn’t my number one choice, it was good enough. As long as I saw him. I’ll try and act normal, for once. Please don’t wake up, demons. Let me have this moment for myself. Please.

“Don’t let anyone pressure you to do anything, alright?” Elijah cupped my left cheek in his hand, using his thumb to brush my skin. “But at least attempt to participate.”

Which, in other words, meant: Don’t let anyone force you to eat if you don’t want to, but at least try and eat something, okay?. Yeah. I know. And I’m trying. Elijah may understand more about me than anyone else, but he can never really understand how difficult it is to do that. What may seem simple to him it the hardest thing in the world for me.

But I responded with a weak, “Alright,” and gave him an encouraging smile, which he returned.

I’d try—not only for Elijah, but also for me.

I had to.