Wrists

Tea, tea, I’m hoping this tea will numb this hollow pain inside of me. There’s isn’t enough tea in the world to numb this, but at least I could try. Everything was burning—so hot, so hot—I couldn’t stand this sensation. I tried to sleep, but I just lied there, not able to do anything with all of that pain. I took three more sleeping pills than usual; I needed my rest to go to college the next day. I needed to be released from this horrid body.

How long will this pain last? Two hours? Three hours? Maybe four? I wasn’t sure, but I wanted it to end. Ineedtogotobed,bodyIneedtogotobed,bodypleaseIneedtogotobed. I could hear the footsteps of my sister rushing up the stairs, back from soccer practice, most likely going into the bathroom to take a long, hot shower. A shower sounded so good. But I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand in the shower long enough before my legs gave in. I was so weak; so tired; so sore. My heartbeat was uneasy, my mind was uneasy, I was so uneasy.

I had to get up. I forced myself out of bed. I was shaking. I felt so weird, so strange; I’d never felt such an intense sensation before. I leaned against my bedroom door, waiting until my sister closed the bathroom door, and then left my room. I almost tripped on my way down the stairs, but I finally made it. No matter how much sleeping pills I popped, no matter how much cups of green tea I drank, I couldn’t shake this off.

Getoutgetoutgetoutgetoutpleasegetoutgetoutgetout. I opened the kitchen cabinet and scanned everything inside, breathing deeply through my nose to calm my tense body down. I grabbed a box of cheerios cereal, snatched a glass bowl, and poured it high up. After scavenging through the fridge, I found a half empty carton of 2% milk and also poured it inside the bowl. I watched it fill up, stood there as the cereal grew soggy in the milk, grabbed the smallest spoon I could find in our silverware drawer, and sat down at the dining table with the bowl of cereal.

I managed to take one, big bite before I heard heavy footsteps coming down the stairs. My whole body froze. I hadn’t realized anyone else was at home, aside from my sister and I. It was my mother; she was wearing a bathrobe—she always does right after a long bath—and an empty mug, probably once filled with coffee. She turned her brown eyes to look at me. I looked back at her. She eyed the bowl of cereal, looked back at me with an unreadable expression on her face, and entered the kitchen.

My body was still frozen; It wouldn’t move, no matter how hard I tried to make it. I watched my mother place the mug in the sink, pour some water into it, and turn to glance at me again with her brown eyes. I opened my mouth, trying to speak, but she turned her head away from me again before I could. “I didn’t know you were home.”

I said nothing. Getoutgetoutgetoutgetoutgetout,pleasegetoutgetoutgetout.

“Ms. Summer told me she saw you taking a walk,” she said, opening the fridge and eyeing its contents. She pulled out a small box of fat free ice cream; the kind of ice cream that she bought only for herself, for evening snacks. “You didn’t go to college today?”

I said nothing.

She opened the cabinet, pulled out a plastic spoon, and closed the cabinet again. I watched her pry open the top of the ice cream box, and scoop out a heart scoop of it. She crammed it into her mouth and swallowed it whole before she spoke again. “You push yourself too much, you know, Graham. Go to bed earlier and relax; your first year of college is easier than the rest.”

I said nothing.

She turned to stare at me again. I tore my eyes away from her; it was much easier looking at her when she wasn’t looking at me. She stood there, eating her ice cream, watching me intently for a long time. I still sat there in silence. She finally walked by me, eating her ice cream, and walked up the stairs.

I continued to sit there until I heard her bedroom door open and close. As soon as I was certain she was gone, I jumped up from my seat, tossed the cereal in the trash, hid it under a bunch of balled up tissue, and went upstairs, body not nearly as shaky and dying as it was before.

I guess my mother made the feeling go away.

I went into my room, closed the door slowly behind me, and fell into my bed.

I didn’t have time to look at my wrists before I fell asleep.