You Can't Spell Slaughter Without Laughter

I'm up at 6 AM. My clothes are picked out. Mom's making breakfast while Dad's packing lunches. My little sister, Kailee, is singing off-key in the shower. Everything seems all normal and perfect.

This is why I love the first day of school.

There's no mirror in my bedroom because I'm too self-conscious and insecure, so I check myself in the spoon at the kitchen table. My face looks distorted and bigger than it really is. Mama places a bowl of Apple Jack's in front of me and I thank her for my breakfast. I eat the cereal fairly quickly; I'm a little excited to get out of this house.

Kailee's strutting down the stairs like model, which is my cue to get out of the kitchen. I finish my cereal and sprint up the stairs. I shower quickly because Kailee is due in here any minute to do her hair and stuff. So, I'm out of the shower in ten minutes. I dry off quickly and brush my hair. I style it the way I want and apply a medium-thick ring of eyeliner around my eye. I looked at my ugly reflection in the mirror. I was very thin and not very tall. I have this long, black hair that hung around my face like a dark curtain. I made sure it looked clean everyday so people wouldn't pick on me for having greasy hair. My face was pale and highlighted my brown eyes quite nice, actually. Looking in the bathroom mirror satisfied, I got dressed and ran downstairs.

I can tell today will be a good day.

Dad drove me and Kailee to our schools. I am going to DanBrook's High and Kailee went to the elementary school a block or two away. This is my first year here, ninth grade, and I was both excited and horrified. What if nobody likes me? Or the teacher says my name wrong and everyone laughs? When I finally reached the school, the bell rang.

I looked like a guppy in a huge school of fish. I stared at my schedule and pathetically found my way to ninth grade first period study hall. I was a few minutes late, so when I walked in, everyone was staring at me. The teacher motioned me to an empty desk in the back. Perfect. As I walked past the rows of desks, some jock called out, "Fag!!" and the rest of the class broke out in laughter. I got to my desk and observed myself. So what if I have a lankier, skinnier body? So what if I like band tees and skinny jeans? So what if I wear a little ring of eyeliner every day? Does that mean I'm gay? I try to convince myself the jock was talking to someone else. I look aroundd the room. Some kids are still laughing.

"Don't take it too harshly. Seems like everybody around here is a homophobic prick. Hi, I;m Shaun." He reached his hand out for me to shake it. He had these green eyes that glowed like a cat's. His hair was jet-black, shorter than mine, styled upwards in a cool emo-looking faux-hawk, and was colored like the rainbow at the tips. He smiled at me reassuringly as if he understood my self doubt.

"Jake. Jake Morgan," I said shaking his hand.

"Aww! Looks like the gay's gotta boyfriend!" the jock yelled. The class roared with laughter and snickering. The kids were getting hyper and started pelting paper balls at our heads. I looked over at Shaun. He had written something on one of the paper balls and threw it back to the jock. The jock read it, looked mortified, and was silent the rest of the period.

"What'd you write?" I asked Shaun after class.

"What?" he said sarcastically.

"What'd you write to the jock-dude?"

"Oh, Jasper! I told him that I jack off to his MySpace page." Shaun said smiling. I laughed out loud, myself. Jasper. I will remember that name. He isn't going down that easy.

"Really?" I asked.

"I wrote that, yes. It's not true, though. Yeah, I'm gay but that doesn't mean I have a crush on every single guy I see! All those homophobes think that. Just because we're fags means we wanna perv on them. How fucking pathetic!" Shaun ranted. I'm not gay, I think. Right? Shaun made it look kind of fun. Ahhh, no. I don't have a problem with it, but I like girls. End of story.

"Don't tense up, Jake. I know you aren't gay. I gotta gaydar." Shaun laughed. I relaxed a bit. The whole school flew by after that. I, "learned" all about World War Whatever and how to factor what's-it-called's and how to spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious and all that jazz. I mostly talked to Shaun. Here at DanBrook's it seems all the world is against him. I felt bad. I knew it kinda got to him because he played with his lip ring every time he was picked on. Not that I was staring at his pink kissable lips, because I'm straight.

After school, Shaun convinced me to ditch the bus and go to his house. As we were walking, he took a pack of cigarettes from the back pocket of his tight black jeans and lit one. A ninth grader; SMOKING!

"You want one?" Shaun asked. I wanted to act cool in front of him.

"uhhh.... sure." I said, taking one from the pack. He lit it for me. I hesitantly took a drag from the cigarette. I coughed my brains out. It was foul. How could this ever be cool?

"Ha ha ha! You never smoked before, huh?" Shaun laughed and took a long drag. The cancerous smoke ecited from his mouth perfectly. I tried again, only to hack my brains out again.

"Dude, don't kill yourself!" Shaun laughed. He grabbed the cigarette from my hand and put both of his cigarettes in his mouth.

"Look! I'm a walrus!" he giggled. He stomped out both cigarettes and ran down the street to his house. How could he do that with smoker lungs?

We walked into his house and Shaun yelled, "MA! Fresh meat!" he smirked at me. Shaun's mother strutted down the stairs like a model. Kailee did that, too. But, Shaun's mother looked so much more elegent, like a peacock. She was stick-thin, Jersey-Shore tan, platinum blonde, and about 5'2". I'm only like 5' myself, so I felt fairly short. Shaun had to be 5'5" at least. I felt like a friggen midget.

"Darling! Look how cute you are!" Shaun's mother called and pinched my cheeks. I was speechless, so she continued, "So, you must be Shaun's third boyfriend. You're already my favorite!"

"Mama!" Shaun flushed, "He is NOT my boyfriend!"

"No? Why?!" she cried.

"He's straight," Shaun emphisized the "straight."

"Oh. Well, I;m Deena. Mi casa, su casa. Ciao!" Deena said. She grabbed her purse and strutted out the door.

"God, I love her," Shaun said, "Wanna play X-Box?"

"I would... If I knew how..." I said truthfully.

"O-M-G! Well, we have to teach you, Pronto!" Shaun cried. A miniature poodle ran up to him and Shaun shouted, "Fluffy-Kinz!" Yeah, Shaun was unmistakeably gay.

Shaun attempted to teach me how to play X-Box. I'm not a video games guy. Most guys love them. I read depressing stories and like whatever Kailee tells me to. I was lame.

"I gotta go," I said after losing for the zillionth time. Shaun's mother offered to drive me home, and I couldn't refuse. I lived like like 5 miles away.

When I got home, I went up to my room and locked the door. I turned the stereo up high and admired my work today.

I made a friend.

A potential Best Friend.