You Can't Spell Slaughter Without Laughter

Mom ran out of the courtroom. She ran out before anyone else so nobody would see her cry. It's not like she planned on having such a huge fuck up as a son. As everyone filed out after her, I stayed there and held my head in my hands. I really was a fuck up. I was the god damn king of the fuck ups. If I had just shut my mouth and acted normal during Dr. Stern's visit, he wouldn't have seen me as such a monster. If only I had never killed those damn jocks so obviously and out in the open, I wouldn't have gotten caught. If only...

Well, if only's aren't gonna keep my ass out of the psych ward. I slowly got up and dragged myself out of the courtroom. I slowly lugged my legs down the hall, which felt twenty pounds heavier, until I got to the exit. I pushed against the door with all my might and finally got it to budge. It flung open and I grabbed on the knob to stabilize myself. I hauled myself over to my car where my mother was, her head pressed against the steering wheel. I opened the door and plopped down in the passenger seat. She raised her head slowly and wearily and looked me in the eye, ashamed.

Her eyes were red, puffy, and bloodshot. Her face and pale with blotches of red and pink irritated skin from her crying. Her black mascara was running from her bottom lash line to her cheekbone. Her hair hung in thin, brown ropes. Before, it looked polished and voluminous, and now it looked limp and flat. Her arms seemed paler, her sweater seemed lumpier, and the whole aura of the car seemed darker, more depressed. She finally looked away from me and started the car without a word. She pulled out of the parking lot and got onto the main road. She wouldn't look at me. She wouldn't talk to me. She was too ashamed of the sad excuse of a son sitting next to her.

"Mom.." I started, but she shushed me. She put her hand on my leg and looked at me quickly before looking back at the road.

"I don't want to hear it, Jacob," she said, pursing her lips.

"I know you're not excited for me to go into a mental help facility. But do you think I am? Do you think I want to go? I'm scared for my life! And the last thing I need is to go there and have an emotional break down because my god damn mother won't fucking look at me!" I said, my voice starting out soft and shaky and becoming more loud and fluent as I kept talking. Tears formed in my eyes, but I didn't let them fall. My throat was beginning to constrict, my airways slowly closing. Mom put her hand from my leg to my hair and I let the tears fall down my face. I let my sobs out, loud and pleading for help. I relaxed my whole body, releasing every emotion I bottled up for so long. Mom said nothing, just stroked my hair. She pulled the car over and turned her body to face me. Our eyes connected.

"Jake, sweetie, I love you. I love you so much. You're still my baby boy and I tried my absolute hardest to raise you right. And maybe with the drama going on with you; your dad and I splitting up, Shaun's death, going to Juvie, all this stuff going on is affecting you horribly. Especially at your age. Your scarred so deep emotionally. Maybe this facility can help you get passed some of these things. You're not crazy. You're not dumb. You're not a fuck up. You're just a boy who has undergone a lot of pain in his early years. And it doesn't make you crazy, dumb, or a fuck up to get help. It can make you an even better person than you already are, baby," Mom said, kissing my forehead. Tears formed in her eyes and she immediately released them. She let all her emotions out, crying loudly and hugging my tightly.

"I love you, too, Mom. And if you think the mental help place will save me, I think so, too." I said as we ended out embrace.

"Good, sugar. Now, let's go. I don't wanna get a ticket and have to go to court again," she said, laughing and wiping her tears. I chuckled and grabbed her hand. We drove home in silence. But it wasn't an awkward silence. It was a very, very comfortable silence.

I love you, Mommy.