You Can't Spell Slaughter Without Laughter

"Oh, hi, Jake..." Deena said, less enthused, as she opened the front door. She looked great, her tan skin glowing, blonde hair in a ponytail, and dressed in a hot pink T-shirt and jeans. She looked so much more casual than she was when I first met her.

"Deena, hi!" I said, leaning in for a hug. She awkwardly returned the hug. I could tell she wasn't thrilled to see me. I probably remind her of her dead son. And my first instinct was right, I shouldn't have come here. Worry was evident on my face that I only disturbed her today. She saw that and said, "You wanna come in, dear? I can make us some dinner and we can catch up, sweetie." She motioned for me to come in and I hesitated, but eventually walked into the cozy little house. I took off my shoes and placed them near the front door.

"So, you're going into what grade now, dearie?" she asked, fiddling in the kitchen. There were pictures lined on a little windowsill right outside of the kitchen. There was two pictures of Shaun on the shelf. One of him taken about a year ago, his smile showing his dimples proudly. His hair was a very, very dark brown. No hair dye. He wasn't wearing any make-up. He looked so happy, full of life. The second looked like it was taken about four months before he died. Him and I were in his backyard playing in the snow. Our hands were intertwined. His head was in the crook of my shoulder. My free hand was on his thigh. We were the perfect couple. Were.

My mouth was in an involuntary smile. I can't believe how happy I was back then. It seemed so long ago, but this was in January. It's only August. Kailee's birthday will be soon, I think. Four months ago, I was the happiest person in the world. I had Shaun, and I regret every word I didn't say to him. I didn't tell him I loved him more than anything in the world. I didn't tell him I looked forward to his call every night at eight thirty, even if he had plans. He would make time to call me, even if it was for five minutes. I miss him. So much.

"Tenth, I think," I said, pretty much lying. I would have been in tenth grade, but I fucked that all up. Maybe she read about my "misfortune" in the paper.

"You still go to DanBrook's?" Deena asked, putting two plates on the table.

"No, it's too much for me," I lied. She put a hand on my shoulder. "I know how you feel, baby. Is that why you did... what you did?" she asked, looking at me intently. I kind of shrugged, embarrassed that she knew about me. She nudged me to elaborate, and I couldn't lie to her. She was like my mom. I was over here more than I was at my house just a while back. She took me to my first concert. Sure, it was a Ke$ha concert she won four tickets to on the radio, but it was still a rush. Let's just say, Ke$ha is the kind of performer who is better off lip-syncing. But anyway, my point is I can always count on Deena.

"I was angry and felt like it was the only thing I could do that would....avenge....him. And as much as everyone thinks I would regret it... I don't. And I just haven't found anyone that I can talk about it and won't judge me immediately." I said slowly, fighting the urge to tear up. I haven't even been able to open up to my Mama about this without her telling me after every sentence that 'I should regret it. I should forget it. I should move on.' I need closure. And this is where I think I can get it.

"I don't really relate to your situation, Jakie, but I get why you wouldn't regret it. I get why you did it. And I don't think of you as a delinquent. You're just trying to find an outlet. And if being here is a way to deal, we can talk whenever. Just because he's not here doesn't mean I don't care about you. I still love you, honey," Deena said, stroking my arm. That did it. That sent me over the edge. The tears pushed their way past my tear duct and rolled freely down my face. I was crying and Deena was hugging me. This was the exact opposite of what I meant to do here. But, I think it's exactly what I needed.

"I love you, too, Deena," I mumbled against her chest. I laughed at how stupid I looked. This wasn't even my mother. I let go of Deena's embrace and wiped my face.

"What's for lunch?" I sniffled. Deena rolled her eyes and got up. She got out a load of bread, a tomato, a head of lettuce, some strips of bacon, and mayo. She called over her shoulder, "You like BLT's?"

"Sure," I mumbled. I looked back at the windowsill. There were a few newer pictures of her and this tall, well-built man with blonde hair. There was a picture of them in Deena's living room, her in a short lacy black gown and him in a blue button down and slacks. There was a photo of them in the park on the swings that looks like it was taken with Deena's cell phone camera. And one in an unfamiliar house and she had a little blonde girl on her lap.

"Who's this guy in these photos, Dee?" I asked, actually really interested. This couldn't have been Shaun's father who left before he was even born. Shaun had to get his dimples and hair from somewhere.

"He's... my boyfriend. We met through the hospital. A month after Shaunie...passed... Luke got my information through my hospital record and called me up. It was total abuse of power. And I'm glad he did," she grinned. I smiled, happy for her.

"Who's the little girl?"

"Azura Marie. His little daughter. She's four years old. And precious as hell." she chuckled.

"Azura? That's an interesting name." I pondered. She nodded and put dinner on the table. We ate and chatted for a bit more and she asked me if my Mama was waiting up for me.

"My mama is at my grandparent's. I'm supposed to be home alone but it's lonely, you know?" I lied, feeling disgusted that I lied to Deena.

"Crash here. Shaun's room is open... or the couch..." Deena said between bites. I smiled and gratefully accepted her offer. After dinner, we snuggled up in the living room and watched Due Date. That movie is fucking hilarious. Later, she went upstairs to bed and I crashed on the couch.

How much longer can I keep this up?