In My Arms No More

"... anymore." I concluded my horrible statement, gazing at the weird, poorly decorated room. A small bed. A table. An unsteady chair. And books. Books were the everything of that room. On the floor. Peeking out from under the bed. Onto the bed. Onto the table. In the corners. Everywhere.

It was her world. And after I had come and simply made it go through a shock the dimensions of a large earthquake, I was now leaving, breaking it into many pieces. I, this nothing person, had the importance of a thousand rocks thrown at her fragile world, which instantly shattered into millions of small pieces. Stardust?

She looked into my eyes. I had stopped her happy train of words with such cruelty that I couldn't even believe myself..

What have I done? Do I really want to leave her, this innocent angel?

Positively shattered. That's how she seemed. She looked around the room to avoid our gazes meeting. The view didn't seem to make her recollect herself. It was her universe, as fallen to pieces, as shattered, as she was. And I had to live with the feeling that it was me who had done that. I had done that to her. I broke her. I had gotten ready to leave her, in this hell-hole that her life represented.

How many times she had sworn me her eternal love, how many times she had promised me to keep me as her heart's owner forever. How many oaths of love we had made. And how I broke each and every one of them, because of what?

I can't even realize because of what.

Did I really end the most beautiful love story I had ever dreamed of because I was leaving for college? I cannot comprehend how I could let myself be misleaded in this dreadful way. It's horrendous.

Horendous.

I was so wrong... Just the way she was so heartbroken made me regret uttering a word. I never thought I'd say those words. I never thought I'd try to leave her. I never thought I'd fall in love so hard, that I'd be tied forever and ever.

I see her trembling, with her eyes closed. Weak and sad, deep dark circles under her big eyes. The closed eyes I've kissed so many times, waiting for her childish giggle, which made me want to cradle her into my arms for my entire life and several other lives. But there were no dark circles then.

Finally she lifted her head and opened her eyes. With a mournful voice I didn't seem to recognize, she said:

"You promised so much. And I knew, I was so sure those words were not true. I can't accept your reason. Why don't you tell me the mere truth, that you do not love me anymore? It would be far more simple. I would be less hurt. Do you really think I could keep up with this if I knew you do not love me? I'm a free spirit, you know that. And when there's no more love, it's over. So say it and leave me alone. To mourn our love."

Her words hit me hard. Not close to how hard my words must have hit her, though. And I'll have to live with that burden for my entire life.

"It is the mere truth, love. I swear."

"Don't call me that!" she screamed, starting to cry. I was actually surprised that she had started to cry only now. I prove myself self-important. "Don't swear. I want to hear no more oaths from you."

I could not take it anymore. I went to her, and knelt in front of her. She was sitting on the bare floor, between pictures, and newspapers, and books. She had been working. She was hugging her knees, as I tried to kiss her eyes, like before.

She pulled away.

I tried to cradle her into my arms, which she rejected fastly, without hesitation.

Sobs, cries of pain, smothered shouts.

Pain at its peak was expressed in this physical conversation. The harder I tried to get close to her, the more she'd reject me, the harder she'd sob, the harder I regretted what I had done.

I took her cold temples into my hands, and united my fore-head with hers. Our tears met, and our gazes locked. The despair from hers. The regret and the despair from mine. They both shocked me. There appeared to be no way back. I was not to feel the taste of her lips again. I was not to leave my fingerprint onto her vanilla-scented skin.

Over.

I dared. I put my lips onto her lips, and pressed as hard as I could. I felt the vanilla scent, and the salty tears that had fallen on both my and her lips, I felt the taste of her lips.

"I... I.... Please. Hear me." I pleaded.

"Hear what? What else do you want to say? Haven't you said enough to destroy me?"

I let out a big breath of air and took in another one.

"I love you as ever. I don't think I ever loved you more than right now. I... I wanted to see if I could live without you. Obviously, I can't. I regretted every word as it exited my damned mouth. I... I didn't believe that this was so strong. I'd do whatever to remain with you. I'll do whatever is necessary. All I know is that I want to be with you forever. I... take my words back."

"What? Do you have this passion for playing with people's hearts? What was all this? Some kind of foolish joke?"

"Oh god... It wasn't a joke. I... meant to leave you. But I'm too weak to do so. I'll sacrifice anything that is required to remain with you. For you to forgive me. Because without you, I'm a mere nothing."

She took out a bunch of photographs and letters from a wooden box. She wiped so many tears as she looked through them... I would have liked to tell her that never had I had such beautiful moments that those. I would have liked to be dead, than to have told her that I wanted our love to be over. I had been the biggest fool of the world.

Love... it's a fools' game.

Finally, she raised her gaze. She got closer to me.

And then she slapped me. As hard as she could. The most painful, but releasing, happy slap I've ever gotten. Then, she took me by the back of my neck, and kissed me. The most beautiful kiss we had ever shared.

"I swear, I'll never even joke again about this. I swear I'll be here forever." I said.

"Don't swear. Love oaths are pointless. They have no value. If someday you fall in love with someone else, you have to leave me. Swear me that."

"I swear."