Here Comes The Sun

"Our lives are not all interconnected. That theory is a crock. Some people truly do not need to be here." Bret Easton Ellis wrote that, the only thing that really worried me was whether or not it was truer about my father…or me. My eyes frantically search for a single piece of evidence that he had ever been there: nothing. The walls had been painted to remove his favorite color, from a dark green to different shades of gray (I could not recall a single moment where he had mentioned an opinion on gray) as it was safe from memories. Every emotion that was once awakened when I thought of him now lay dormant and muted. There was nothing to remind me of a time before...this.

Before you begin perhaps assuming what you should not, I am in fact a straight male, as the ‘he’ to whom I refer to is the reincarnate of my father. I call him such for I assure you that the monster that remains is not my father; I do not know that stranger in my father’s skin. In fact maybe I should not say ’he’ at all anymore since he wears a wig and calls 'herself' Jane.

My mother’s eyes are swollen from crying as she sleeps hugging a pillow on the sofa. Her nightdress is dirty and she has not gone to work in a month. All that alongside her knotted hair and I could not help but let my top lip curl in disgust. How had she become such a disgrace over such a pathetic disgrace of a man? He was not worth her tears; he was not worth her clinging to his memory as she was.

Grabbing my helmet, I walked out of the house to start my motorbike. Now the fact that I was ever even allowed to have sold the car my father brought me and with the money buy a motorbike only showed how deep of a hole my mother had sank. My hands physically shook with anger against the handles as I mounted.

“Excuse me,” I heard my neighbor chirp from her front door. I wondered if I could pretend I hadn’t heard her, but she was obviously much faster than my thought process because she seemed to materialize in front of me. She had obviously been very beautiful in her day, and long blond hair tumbled down her back. I noted she was barefoot disapprovingly and nodded to acknowledge her arrival.
“I just wanted to know where your parents were, I haven’t seen them in such a long time.”
I reared the engine and only uttered the words, “the doors open” before zooming away. I felt exceedingly hot in my helmet, more so than usual, I felt my veins flushing beneath my skin to such a burning extent I had to stop, remove my helmet and study my flesh for a long while. I admired the cleanliness of my hands for a short while to calm myself and remove the sudden shame I felt every time I thought of a strangers eyes on the embarrassment that was now my mother.

When I arrived home, I showered then listened to thirty minutes of The Cure’s sweet moaning to relax me. Since my father had been an active member in all fields of sports whilst in high school I had retired from the Football, Swim, and Basketball teams, and was now focusing on college. The only thing I asked of said college was that it was in a different country or at least as far away from here as possible. However this by no means meant that education was my desire, for it was only to have a sense of losing every single member of my hideous bloodline. I hoped that in changing my name and place, I would change the very essence of my being: past, present, and future.