Holding Someone's Hair Back

I didn't have any kind of expression on my face. I was relaxed, but it just didn't show. Not until Cadence sighed in her sleep. She slept with her head on my chest. I had my arms around her and ran my hands through her hair. The apartment was quiet except for the sound of the T.V. going. I had given up on trying to find something to watch a long time ago. I had absolutely no interest in anything that was on. It all looked the same and boring to me. I picked up the remote from the coffee table and turned to the Adult Alternative music channel. Foster The People was on and I scoffed, putting it on mute. I closed my eyes and tossed my head back on the couch.

So what should I do now? I've taken the time to get myself together. I'm back in the comfort of my home. Our home. What the hell do I do now? I scratched my cheek and rolled my eyes. I should probably start with this prickly shit on my face. Carefully, I lied Cadence's head on a couch pillow and went to the upstairs bathroom. I ran some water in the sink, applied shaving cream, and got a fresh razor from the cabinet underneath.

After almost half an hour of shaving and humming to myself, I showered, got dressed, and went back downstairs. Cadence was still asleep. I walked over and kissed her on the forehead. She stirred a little and her eyes fluttered open. A smile spread across her face and she stared at me with a bunch of good emotions.

"Hi." she said sounding tired.

"Hi." I said back rubbing her cheek. She grabbed my hand softly and kept it in that spot on her face. She put her lips to it and let them sit there for awhile before they parted and she let go.

"You're so beautiful." she told me. It was quiet but I still heard the early warning of crying in her voice. I was immediately saddened and I hurried to wrap her in my arms. Her sobs were soft and I felt her tears hit my shoulders and soak through the material of my shirt. I rubbed her back and closed my eyes.

My heart was starting to hurt again. How could I have hurt her so much? She's been destroyed because of me and what I've done in the past. She says that everything is fine, but I beg to differ. She's been broken beyond repair trying to take care of the both of us the best way she could. And then, having to live on her own during my long period of absence couldn't have been the best for her afterwards. I wonder if anyone was there for her while I was gone. I wonder who finally decided to start showing their faces around here again. Or did they just continue with their own lives and not care about whether or not she was okay?

"I love you so much Victor." she sobbed. I held her up infront of me and kissed the tears away.

"I love you too Cadence." I replied with all my heart. She smiled at me and held me in her arms.

"Where do you have to go today?" she asked, pulling away and looking me up and down.

"I have a lot of things that I need to fix Cadence. I've left too many people hurt to just forget about them." I explained.

"But what about the fact that they forgot about us?"

"That's not their fault Cadence. I did that to the both of us. And I'm so sorry."

She shook her head as an understanding and grabbed my hands. "Alright," she answered. "You're going to go by yourself?"

"Yeah," I answered. "I think I can do somethings on my own now. You just stay here and I'll be back as soon as I'm done. I promise."

"Alright. Wait before you leave, I have to give you something."

She hurried from the couch and ran upstairs. She came back down with my cell phone in hand and handed it to me.

"I kept it safe for you. It's still on and everything. I never stopped paying the bill on it." she said smiling. I took it from her hand and thanked her with a kiss on the forehead.

"I love you." I told her.

"I love you too. And call me so that I know you're okay."

"I'll be fine.Where are the keys?"

"They're hanging up on the wall in the kitchen."

I took the keys from where she said they were and gave her a kiss before I walked out the door. The fresh air hit my face for the second time since I walked out of the hospital. I walked down the front porch and unlocked the car with the electronic key. I got in, started the car, and headed in the direction of my brother's house.

I wonder if he's ever thought of me lately. Damn, I've been wondering about a lot of things. I fucking hate to live and not know about anything that's going on. It tears me up to fucking pieces. But when I do wonder or think about other people and if they've been thinking of me, I'm never optimistic but pesimistic to say the least. Besides, why would anyone be thinking of me other than Cadence anyways? I've given them nothing but pain, misery, and hell to think about when it came to poor old Victor Vincent Fuentes. Hell, I wouldn't think of me neither if I were anyone else. I need to hurry up and fix this.

I turned on another corner and was held up by a stop light. I sat in the car awkwardlly with one hand on the steering wheel and the other on the armrest. The car had become too quiet for me. I was beginning to think again and didn't feel like finding yet another reason, or even repeating a reason, of me being so pathetic and useless. Why no one would ever-. See? There I go again.

I shook my head and decided to see what Cadence had been listening to lately. I pressed play on the CD player and waited for what ever song to start. The light strumming of a guitar started. It went on for 32 seconds when the voice of Oliver Sykes and the beating of drums came on. It didn't sound like any of the songs that I had heard before. I spotted the case in the passenger seat and tracked the track number on the back of it.

"Blessed With A Curse." I read aloud. I nodded my head in approval. The Bring Me The Horizon boys sure have came up. I wonder how me and the guys would be if all of this never happend. We could be touring. Mom and dad would be proud of Mike and I. And Cadence would have never had to struggle to keep me alive. I never would have been a wreck. I'd still be loved. I might've been married even. But it doesn't seem like any of that will ever happen. Maybe not right now atleast.

I sighed, turning yet another corner and pulling into the parking lot of the Apartment complex Mike lives in. I turned the car off and stared at his front door. The door that I was once welcomed to walk through. The door that I've been thrown out of so many times. I sighed and removed my seatbelt. I openned the car door and got half way out. Would I really be welcome back there? How do I know that he won't tell me to get the fuck out and not want me to come back?

I shook my head and took a deep breath. I stepped the rest of the way out and closed the car door. I walked up the steps, determined and positive that he would let me in. I am his brother after all. His older brother. He has to let me in.

I stopped in front of it and didn't think twice about knocking. Otherwise, I'd be standing here like an idiot for the longest time.

Behind the door, I could hear the noticable drop of the volume coming from the living room television set. The shuffling of his feet against the rug and it's transition to light thuds moving across the hardwood floor. The locks were unlocked and the door swung open, revealing not Mike, but Hanna. She looked at me with wide eyes and I just stared at her.

"M-Mike isn't here right now." she said to me. She backed away and started to close the door but I pushed back and forced my way inside.

"He doesn't want you here!" she said running behind me. She grabbed my arm but I shrugged her off and proceeded to the back of the apartment where his room was. The door was half way open. Mike lied on the tangled sheets of his bed in a pair of shorts. His long legs hung over the edge of the framed mattress and his headphones were placed next to his ears.

The expression on his face was solid and tense. His hands lay lifeless on his tattooed covered torso. The dark hair on top of his head was a mess and he looked broken, all but maybe a little together.

"Mike." I said hesitant to speak in the beginning. He didn't move or say a word. So I called out to him again. He looked in my direction and his eyes grew wide. I did my best to smile but failed. All I showed him was a weak smile. One hoping and begging for forgiveness.

"When did- when did you leave?" he asked me slowly, his back rising from the bed.

"It's been a few days." I answered. He replied by saying "Oh." and looked down at the floor.

"So... you're not going to do any of that shit anymore are you?" he asked me. I shook my head.

"Mike I'm so sorry. I tried to make him leave but-"

"Shut up Hanna." Mike said shooting daggers at his girlfriend. I chuckled looking away from her. Hanna stood there with her mouth wide open, looking from me to Mike.

"Fuck you Mike. Fuck the both of you!" she yelled huffing and stomping away.

"I see she hasn't changed." I said looking back at him. And I wasn't just saying that. I really did mean it. Hanna's always been like that. Fucking up any and everything the moment she got the fucking chance.

"Yeah. Have you seen Cadence since you've been-"

"Oh c'mon Mike. You think I'd just forget about her and not go back?"

"How are any of us supposed to know what you'll do next? You weren't the same before. And you've already been through that shit once before and now look. You fucked up and had to do it again!"

"I'm not lying to you this time!"

"It's gonna take a hell of a lot more than saying that you're not lying this time!"

"I am not going to fuck up anymore!"

"Stop saying that!" he yelled even louder. "You better fucking show it Vic or I swear to god, that I will fucking kill you if Cadence ever goes through that again. Do you hear me?"

"Yeah." I said leaving his room. I walked past Hanna and ignored the profanities that she threw my way and walked out of the door. I knew this would be a fucking waste of time. I fucking knew it. what the hell was I thinking? That I could just walk in the there, beg, and then everything would be back to normal? He-

"Vic? Man is that you?"

"What?!" I yelled at who ever said my name. It sounded sick to me. I didn't hear a word from the person behind me so I just kept walking without looking back.

"Vic!" That person called again. "Wait!"

I rolled my eyes and swung my body around.

"Oh. It's you." I said no longer angry. Jaime stood in front of me, plastering a small, nervous smile on his face.

"When did you get out?" He asked hugging me. I didn't bother returning the hug which made him frown a little.

"A few days ago." I answered.

"That's good. Have you seen Cadence?"

"Yes," I answered, barely letting him finish. "She was the first one I saw."

He shook his head in response and looked from me to Mike's front door, where he stood looking at the both of us.

"You coming in. We were gonna sit and-"

"No. I'll just leave." I responded shooting the same daggers at Mike that he was shooting at me. I turned my back against Jaime and continued walking to my car.

-Mike-

I watched my brother turn away and walk to his car. Cadence's car. I huffed and looked down at Jaime, brushing my brother off my find for the time being.

"You coming in or what?" I asked trying my best to hide my frustration. Jaime didn't answer but came in anyways, closing the door behind him.

"Hey." he nodded towards Hanna.

"What? You here to yell at me too?" she snapped at him. I rolled my eyes and Jaime gave me a weird look.

"What the hell is her problem?"

"I don't know," I said. "She's being a fucking cunt." I said emphasizing the word 'cunt' while staring her down.

"Fuck you Mike." she spat. I rolled my eyes and directed Jaime to the the extra room which we called our game room. I shut the door while Jaime sat down and turned on the television set.

"Honestly, why the hell do you keep her around?" he asked laughing a little in the middle of his sentence. I shrugged not really knowing why myself.

"She's a good fuck I guess." I answered, speaking what was on my mind.

"Yeah," Jaime nodded. "So what happened with you and Vic? He seemed pretty pissed."

"I know."