If I Could Gather Up The Nerve, I'd Put My Feelings Into Words
Chapter One.
“Jordan, sweetie…I heard you yesterday, and like I said when you first mentioned it to me…I’ll be there!” I say exasperatedly into the receiver of my cell phone. “Chill out a bit, would you?!”
“How can you expect me to ‘chill out a bit’?! This is a really big deal, Angel!” My agent, and more importantly, boyfriend of three years, Jordan James Walden, explains in his thick Californian accent that I just love so much.
“Yeah, so you keep on telling me.” I say calmly as I let out a small sigh. “Listen, you don’t have to worry, Jords. I’ll be there!”
“You best be, Angel. This is a job that will make you more known, you can’t miss this opportunity. Think of this as your big break…Your foot in the door if you will.” Jordan says in a rushed tone before continuing in a more calmer voice. “I literally had to pull every single string that I could to get you this job.”
“I know, and I’m forever grateful to you. Really, I am. I swear though, I’m not going to let you down. I promise.”
“Yeah? So, you’ll be there first thing on Monday? No exceptions, whatsoever?” He presses, his voice getting considerably higher as he shuffles about with whatever bit of paperwork that’s occupying room on his already overflowing work desk.
“For last time, Jordan. Yes, I will be there, no exceptions.” I whine slightly as I put the blouse that I was currently holding back into the cupboard before turning on my heels to grab a pair of my favourite converse and car keys. “In fact…I’m just about to go shopping right now for a new outfit, especially for the occasion.”
“Well then, you should make sure that you go all out with it, seriously don’t hold back, Angel, if you see anything that you like, anything at all…get it and charge it all to my credit card.”
“You know I’ll feel bad about charging it to your card though.” I sigh, having already been through this conversation once before now.
“Angel, you’re my girlfriend, as well as my client. You know that I’d do anything for you and that includes buying you pretty things.” He laughs, the sound of it alone comforting me as I decide not to argue. “This is a really big job and we can’t have you wearing any of that regular, cheap stuff. Besides, who says that I can’t spoil you occasionally?”
“You best not have been smirking when you said that!” I say teasingly, knowing that he has a smile on his cheeky face right now. “Plus, it never seems to be an occasional thing but, thank you…and, I’ve already told you this but I really won’t let you down, sweetie. I promise.”
There was a moment of silence on the other end of the line before I heard him let out a long breath of relief and his soft voice was filling my ear again.
“I know that I can always count on you…I love you, Angel.”
“I love you too, Jordan. Always.”
******
That was the last conversation that I had with him. The last ever time I told him that I loved him. The last time that I ever got to hear his voice before he was snatched cruelly away from me by some pathetic drunk, on his cell, whilst driving a speeding four by four.
I didn’t even get to see his handsome face when I returned from the mall, neither did I get to feel his soft lips upon mine again. Instead, on my arrival back home, I was greeted by two police officers standing on the doorstep, watching me with sorrowful eyes as I pull up in the car that Jordan bought me for my last birthday.
As soon as I saw them standing there, I knew that something was wrong. I knew that something bad had happened. To me, it was as if a lightning bolt had struck me on the head. It was an automatic gesture but I couldn’t help but quickly scan the driveway, hoping to see Jordan’s car in the drive, but I didn’t. I couldn’t see it anywhere and that made my stomach drop what felt like a thousand feet.
From the moment that I stepped out of the car, everything in my mind was playing as if in slow motion. From the moment in which I reach the two officers, to the moment when they tell me what had just happened. It was only when I felt my body falling to the floor in grief that things started to get blurry. I could feel my breathing getting jagged as it caught in my throat, my screams, trapped within my throat as tears fall rapidly down my face.
It just can’t be true. This must be some form of sick practical joke that someone’s playing on me but…who? Who would actually do that and why? There are so many thoughts going through my head, I don’t know what to do with them all. I just want this all to be fake and be wrapped up in J’s arms as soon as I step through the front door. But, by the look on both officer’s faces…that this is real, this isn’t a joke.
I could feel one of them place a hand onto my shoulder, shaking me slightly before helping me up and onto my feet whilst the other one took my house keys from me in order to open the door. Some part of me just wanted to shout at them, to get them out of the house but in all honesty, I’m rather grateful that they made sure I was ok cause I would have fooled myself into thinking otherwise.
After making my fragile self a cup of tea and passing me a handful of tissues, they decided it was best to leave me on my own, to process everything and it was when I was curled up on the plush sofa, that the facts really sunk in.
My agent…my best friend…my one and only true love...is gone.
“How can you expect me to ‘chill out a bit’?! This is a really big deal, Angel!” My agent, and more importantly, boyfriend of three years, Jordan James Walden, explains in his thick Californian accent that I just love so much.
“Yeah, so you keep on telling me.” I say calmly as I let out a small sigh. “Listen, you don’t have to worry, Jords. I’ll be there!”
“You best be, Angel. This is a job that will make you more known, you can’t miss this opportunity. Think of this as your big break…Your foot in the door if you will.” Jordan says in a rushed tone before continuing in a more calmer voice. “I literally had to pull every single string that I could to get you this job.”
“I know, and I’m forever grateful to you. Really, I am. I swear though, I’m not going to let you down. I promise.”
“Yeah? So, you’ll be there first thing on Monday? No exceptions, whatsoever?” He presses, his voice getting considerably higher as he shuffles about with whatever bit of paperwork that’s occupying room on his already overflowing work desk.
“For last time, Jordan. Yes, I will be there, no exceptions.” I whine slightly as I put the blouse that I was currently holding back into the cupboard before turning on my heels to grab a pair of my favourite converse and car keys. “In fact…I’m just about to go shopping right now for a new outfit, especially for the occasion.”
“Well then, you should make sure that you go all out with it, seriously don’t hold back, Angel, if you see anything that you like, anything at all…get it and charge it all to my credit card.”
“You know I’ll feel bad about charging it to your card though.” I sigh, having already been through this conversation once before now.
“Angel, you’re my girlfriend, as well as my client. You know that I’d do anything for you and that includes buying you pretty things.” He laughs, the sound of it alone comforting me as I decide not to argue. “This is a really big job and we can’t have you wearing any of that regular, cheap stuff. Besides, who says that I can’t spoil you occasionally?”
“You best not have been smirking when you said that!” I say teasingly, knowing that he has a smile on his cheeky face right now. “Plus, it never seems to be an occasional thing but, thank you…and, I’ve already told you this but I really won’t let you down, sweetie. I promise.”
There was a moment of silence on the other end of the line before I heard him let out a long breath of relief and his soft voice was filling my ear again.
“I know that I can always count on you…I love you, Angel.”
“I love you too, Jordan. Always.”
******
That was the last conversation that I had with him. The last ever time I told him that I loved him. The last time that I ever got to hear his voice before he was snatched cruelly away from me by some pathetic drunk, on his cell, whilst driving a speeding four by four.
I didn’t even get to see his handsome face when I returned from the mall, neither did I get to feel his soft lips upon mine again. Instead, on my arrival back home, I was greeted by two police officers standing on the doorstep, watching me with sorrowful eyes as I pull up in the car that Jordan bought me for my last birthday.
As soon as I saw them standing there, I knew that something was wrong. I knew that something bad had happened. To me, it was as if a lightning bolt had struck me on the head. It was an automatic gesture but I couldn’t help but quickly scan the driveway, hoping to see Jordan’s car in the drive, but I didn’t. I couldn’t see it anywhere and that made my stomach drop what felt like a thousand feet.
From the moment that I stepped out of the car, everything in my mind was playing as if in slow motion. From the moment in which I reach the two officers, to the moment when they tell me what had just happened. It was only when I felt my body falling to the floor in grief that things started to get blurry. I could feel my breathing getting jagged as it caught in my throat, my screams, trapped within my throat as tears fall rapidly down my face.
It just can’t be true. This must be some form of sick practical joke that someone’s playing on me but…who? Who would actually do that and why? There are so many thoughts going through my head, I don’t know what to do with them all. I just want this all to be fake and be wrapped up in J’s arms as soon as I step through the front door. But, by the look on both officer’s faces…that this is real, this isn’t a joke.
I could feel one of them place a hand onto my shoulder, shaking me slightly before helping me up and onto my feet whilst the other one took my house keys from me in order to open the door. Some part of me just wanted to shout at them, to get them out of the house but in all honesty, I’m rather grateful that they made sure I was ok cause I would have fooled myself into thinking otherwise.
After making my fragile self a cup of tea and passing me a handful of tissues, they decided it was best to leave me on my own, to process everything and it was when I was curled up on the plush sofa, that the facts really sunk in.
My agent…my best friend…my one and only true love...is gone.