If I Could Gather Up The Nerve, I'd Put My Feelings Into Words
Chapter Two.
The day that I have been dreading the most, has finally arrived. Not only is today the day of my most important job interview but it’s also the day that I get to say a final goodbye to my Jordan. I should be focusing on what I’m going to say at the funeral but…all the thoughts going through my mind, it’s hard to focus on anything, although there is one thing that keeps on coming to my mind and that’s what Jordan said to me before he died.
“Yeah? So, you’ll be there first thing on Monday? No exceptions, whatsoever?”
No exceptions…how on earth can I agree to that now? Surely when something like this happens…you make the exception, right? Even if you can’t, I am. There is no way that I can go to this job interview over my boyfriends funeral, it doesn‘t matter how important it is, or how hard that Jordan worked to get it for me...It’s not important. Jordan is what’s important, everything else…is just an inconvenience to me.
Before I could focus anymore on the thoughts going through my head, I was interrupted by a soft knock coming from the front door. I must have been thinking more than I thought as I didn’t even hear one car pull up, let alone three cars that I see parked in an orderly line on the driveway, which I’m guessing belong to Brandon, Jordan’s slightly younger - but still older than me - brother and his three friends and band mates Petie, Nate and Patrick.
“Hey, Angel.” Brandon greets quietly as he engulfs me in a hug as soon as the door was open, a small but slightly forced smile playing across his lips. “How are you doing?”
“I’m holding up, Brands…how about you?” I question, as I look up into his sad, tired looking eyes, knowing full well that he hasn’t been able to sleep since he heard what happened.
“I guess I’m doing ok, I mean, I could certainly be better but it’s just…I dunno, It’s just weird I guess. I always thought that he was indestructible, like nothing could beat him, y’know?” He replies sadly, tears forming in the corner of his eyes, pulling himself away from me, looking down at his feet as he swipes them hastily away before turning round.
I may not know Brandon all that well, but he’s Jordan’s brother and I should be able to comfort him whenever he needs it, just like he used to do for me. Without a seconds hesitation, I grabbed hold of his wrist before he started walking away, and spun him into me, my arms wrapped round his neck and I stoke the back of his neck.
“Everything will be ok, Brandon. You don’t have to go through this alone.” I whisper calmly into his ear as he lets out a sob from the crook of my neck. “I’ll be here for you. I promise, whenever you need me, I‘ll be there.”
Brandon didn’t say anything in response, he just wrapped his arms tight round my waist and continued to cry, with me hanging onto him, whispering things in his ear to comfort him, to calm him down. It was like this, that Petie came in and found us, the pain in his eyes visible when he saw that Brandon was crying and I knew, that just seeing him like this, was just breaking his heart.
******
The drive to the little chapel that we were burying Jordan at, was silent, to say the least. Nate had offered to take everyone in his car, he said that it would help him stay calm and to tell you the truth, that’s what we needed…Someone who was calm and together, in case one of us just couldn’t keep it together anymore. No one knew what to say but that was ok, because I don’t think any words could make Brandon or myself feel better.
All the way there, I felt a tight knot within my stomach. It was almost crippling and wouldn’t leave until we were seated inside the chapel and watching as Jordan’s coffin was being brought in by a couple of his uncles and cousins, Brandon flat out refused but only because he didn’t think he would be able to cope without breaking down in front of everyone and dropping his end of the coffin. I can’t blame him though, if I was in his shoes, I’d feel the same too.
Just watching them place Jordan’s coffin down, made tears fall from my eyes again, it made it all seem so final…and I hated it. He’s not supposed to be there, he’s suppose to be at home with me, telling me all about his day and what he’d like to do in the evening. As I was thinking this, the doors to the chapel opened again, this time it was Father Carlisle that stepped through them and when he did, everyone remained silent and rose from their seats until he was stood at his podium.
“We are gathered here today, in this chapel of Christ, to honour the memory of this young man, Jordan James Walden, and to pass his body over to the Lord, so that he can keep him safe within his arms.” Father Carlisle stated as he looked round at everyone in the room. “I understand that Jordan’s family didn’t want any hymns sung so instead, they opted for the alternative option of having people read things out, either to bring some peace of mind or to just say one last goodbye. We will start this session, by a reading from the Mother of the deceased.”
I think that my heart actually broke, even more than it actually had, when I saw the site of Jordan and Brandon’s Mother. If Father Carlisle hadn’t have called her up, I don’t think that I would have been able to recognise her. What once used to be a crisp and sharp woman, was now a crumpled mess of the former figure that she used to be. Just by looking at her, I knew that what I had lost, was nothing compared to what she had just lost. It was like I shouldn’t even be mourning as much as her and that thought made me sick, according to Brandon, her and Jordan hadn’t even spoken in the past three years, not since he got together with me.
I could feel Brandon tense up next to me as he listened to what his Mother had to say about her eldest son and I could tell by the way that his fists clenched that he wanted to get up and shout at her for suddenly being bothered about him. I placed my own hand onto his and he instantly unclenched his fists, looking away from his Mother and to me, a sad, apologetic smile flashing across his lips as he looks down at our entwined hands.
After Jordan’s Mother had said what she had wanted to say, it was his Father’s turn, who more or less said the exact same thing as what she said. It went on and on for at least twenty minutes, anyone and everyone who had something to say, got up and expressed their feelings about Jordan and all the while that was going on, my mind couldn’t process any of their speeches, I was stressing silently over what I was going to say but just thinking about it, made me choke up and shake.
“We will now hear some words from Jordan’s girlfriend, Angel. Angel, you ready?” Father Carlisle announced as he took a step next to the podium and motioning me to step up in his place.
After a quick squeeze of the hand from Brandon and Nate, and taking in a deep breath, I was up and walking slowly to the front, past Jordan’s coffin and to the podium, facing everyone so that I could say what I needed to say, whilst trying not to breakdown myself. When I was calm enough, I just let my mouth do the talking.
“Thank you, Father. You know, when I woke up today, I didn’t know what to think. A part of me was numbed down with the news about what had happened, with the loss of my best friend and soul mate but…another part of me was half hoping that when I opened my eyes, I’d see Jordan lying next to me, with a big cheeky grin on his face as he stares down at me, in that loving way that he does but of course…that wasn‘t going to happen, as much as I wanted it to. It’s never going to happen again and it’s all because Jordan was snatched away from me…from us all…by some drunk lunatic who thought he would be clever and drive to his death, but instead of driving to his own death, he drove Jordan…my…Jordan straight into his own death, a good seventy years before he should have of gone. If I could…If I…”
I couldn’t hold myself together any longer, I had to stop and take a few deep breaths and let a few tears fall. Brandon obviously could tell that I needed some support so rushed to my side, and held me close to his chest, his head resting on top of mine as I cried my heart out. I had to pull myself back together again though, I needed to finish this speech, if I didn’t…I know that I would regret it otherwise.
I wipe the few tears from my eyes before pulling slowly away from Brandon, keeping a tight hold of his hand as he remains beside me, squeezing my hand every few seconds to remind me that he’s here for me, to comfort and reassure me if I need it which might not sound like much but to me, at this moment in time, means more than anyone will ever know.
“Jordan was a big part of my life and he was the sweetest guy that I knew…I’m going to miss him more than anything in the world, he was my best friend as well as my agent and soul mate. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him, he was my rock in times like these but now…“
I trail off as the realisation suddenly hit me…who’s going to be there for me when I really need it? Who’s going to hold me and tell me everything’s going to be ok when I’m having a really bad day? As if he knew what I was thinking, Brandon gave my hand a little squeeze again and a slight nod as he silently urged me to continue.
“Jordan will never be forgotten and for as long as I live, he’ll forever be in my heart.”
I glance up to look at everyone that was gathered within the small chapel and I can’t help but take note that almost every single one of them was crying…even people who I don’t think knew Jordan that well and just met him through friends were reaching for the tissues that they had bought with them. In the front row, I saw that Petie was holding a sobbing Patrick close to his chest, his arms wrapped tightly round his waist as he tries, and fails, to stop from crying himself. Next to them was Nate who wasn’t looking at anyone or anything, he just had his head resting against his hands and from the way that his shoulders were moving, I could tell that he was crying too, but he just didn’t want anyone to see.
Just looking round at everyone, watching the tears fall from their eyes as they comfort each other…it made me see just how much of an impact Jordan really had on people’s lives, not just mine but...everyone in this room.
“Yeah? So, you’ll be there first thing on Monday? No exceptions, whatsoever?”
No exceptions…how on earth can I agree to that now? Surely when something like this happens…you make the exception, right? Even if you can’t, I am. There is no way that I can go to this job interview over my boyfriends funeral, it doesn‘t matter how important it is, or how hard that Jordan worked to get it for me...It’s not important. Jordan is what’s important, everything else…is just an inconvenience to me.
Before I could focus anymore on the thoughts going through my head, I was interrupted by a soft knock coming from the front door. I must have been thinking more than I thought as I didn’t even hear one car pull up, let alone three cars that I see parked in an orderly line on the driveway, which I’m guessing belong to Brandon, Jordan’s slightly younger - but still older than me - brother and his three friends and band mates Petie, Nate and Patrick.
“Hey, Angel.” Brandon greets quietly as he engulfs me in a hug as soon as the door was open, a small but slightly forced smile playing across his lips. “How are you doing?”
“I’m holding up, Brands…how about you?” I question, as I look up into his sad, tired looking eyes, knowing full well that he hasn’t been able to sleep since he heard what happened.
“I guess I’m doing ok, I mean, I could certainly be better but it’s just…I dunno, It’s just weird I guess. I always thought that he was indestructible, like nothing could beat him, y’know?” He replies sadly, tears forming in the corner of his eyes, pulling himself away from me, looking down at his feet as he swipes them hastily away before turning round.
I may not know Brandon all that well, but he’s Jordan’s brother and I should be able to comfort him whenever he needs it, just like he used to do for me. Without a seconds hesitation, I grabbed hold of his wrist before he started walking away, and spun him into me, my arms wrapped round his neck and I stoke the back of his neck.
“Everything will be ok, Brandon. You don’t have to go through this alone.” I whisper calmly into his ear as he lets out a sob from the crook of my neck. “I’ll be here for you. I promise, whenever you need me, I‘ll be there.”
Brandon didn’t say anything in response, he just wrapped his arms tight round my waist and continued to cry, with me hanging onto him, whispering things in his ear to comfort him, to calm him down. It was like this, that Petie came in and found us, the pain in his eyes visible when he saw that Brandon was crying and I knew, that just seeing him like this, was just breaking his heart.
******
The drive to the little chapel that we were burying Jordan at, was silent, to say the least. Nate had offered to take everyone in his car, he said that it would help him stay calm and to tell you the truth, that’s what we needed…Someone who was calm and together, in case one of us just couldn’t keep it together anymore. No one knew what to say but that was ok, because I don’t think any words could make Brandon or myself feel better.
All the way there, I felt a tight knot within my stomach. It was almost crippling and wouldn’t leave until we were seated inside the chapel and watching as Jordan’s coffin was being brought in by a couple of his uncles and cousins, Brandon flat out refused but only because he didn’t think he would be able to cope without breaking down in front of everyone and dropping his end of the coffin. I can’t blame him though, if I was in his shoes, I’d feel the same too.
Just watching them place Jordan’s coffin down, made tears fall from my eyes again, it made it all seem so final…and I hated it. He’s not supposed to be there, he’s suppose to be at home with me, telling me all about his day and what he’d like to do in the evening. As I was thinking this, the doors to the chapel opened again, this time it was Father Carlisle that stepped through them and when he did, everyone remained silent and rose from their seats until he was stood at his podium.
“We are gathered here today, in this chapel of Christ, to honour the memory of this young man, Jordan James Walden, and to pass his body over to the Lord, so that he can keep him safe within his arms.” Father Carlisle stated as he looked round at everyone in the room. “I understand that Jordan’s family didn’t want any hymns sung so instead, they opted for the alternative option of having people read things out, either to bring some peace of mind or to just say one last goodbye. We will start this session, by a reading from the Mother of the deceased.”
I think that my heart actually broke, even more than it actually had, when I saw the site of Jordan and Brandon’s Mother. If Father Carlisle hadn’t have called her up, I don’t think that I would have been able to recognise her. What once used to be a crisp and sharp woman, was now a crumpled mess of the former figure that she used to be. Just by looking at her, I knew that what I had lost, was nothing compared to what she had just lost. It was like I shouldn’t even be mourning as much as her and that thought made me sick, according to Brandon, her and Jordan hadn’t even spoken in the past three years, not since he got together with me.
I could feel Brandon tense up next to me as he listened to what his Mother had to say about her eldest son and I could tell by the way that his fists clenched that he wanted to get up and shout at her for suddenly being bothered about him. I placed my own hand onto his and he instantly unclenched his fists, looking away from his Mother and to me, a sad, apologetic smile flashing across his lips as he looks down at our entwined hands.
After Jordan’s Mother had said what she had wanted to say, it was his Father’s turn, who more or less said the exact same thing as what she said. It went on and on for at least twenty minutes, anyone and everyone who had something to say, got up and expressed their feelings about Jordan and all the while that was going on, my mind couldn’t process any of their speeches, I was stressing silently over what I was going to say but just thinking about it, made me choke up and shake.
“We will now hear some words from Jordan’s girlfriend, Angel. Angel, you ready?” Father Carlisle announced as he took a step next to the podium and motioning me to step up in his place.
After a quick squeeze of the hand from Brandon and Nate, and taking in a deep breath, I was up and walking slowly to the front, past Jordan’s coffin and to the podium, facing everyone so that I could say what I needed to say, whilst trying not to breakdown myself. When I was calm enough, I just let my mouth do the talking.
“Thank you, Father. You know, when I woke up today, I didn’t know what to think. A part of me was numbed down with the news about what had happened, with the loss of my best friend and soul mate but…another part of me was half hoping that when I opened my eyes, I’d see Jordan lying next to me, with a big cheeky grin on his face as he stares down at me, in that loving way that he does but of course…that wasn‘t going to happen, as much as I wanted it to. It’s never going to happen again and it’s all because Jordan was snatched away from me…from us all…by some drunk lunatic who thought he would be clever and drive to his death, but instead of driving to his own death, he drove Jordan…my…Jordan straight into his own death, a good seventy years before he should have of gone. If I could…If I…”
I couldn’t hold myself together any longer, I had to stop and take a few deep breaths and let a few tears fall. Brandon obviously could tell that I needed some support so rushed to my side, and held me close to his chest, his head resting on top of mine as I cried my heart out. I had to pull myself back together again though, I needed to finish this speech, if I didn’t…I know that I would regret it otherwise.
I wipe the few tears from my eyes before pulling slowly away from Brandon, keeping a tight hold of his hand as he remains beside me, squeezing my hand every few seconds to remind me that he’s here for me, to comfort and reassure me if I need it which might not sound like much but to me, at this moment in time, means more than anyone will ever know.
“Jordan was a big part of my life and he was the sweetest guy that I knew…I’m going to miss him more than anything in the world, he was my best friend as well as my agent and soul mate. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him, he was my rock in times like these but now…“
I trail off as the realisation suddenly hit me…who’s going to be there for me when I really need it? Who’s going to hold me and tell me everything’s going to be ok when I’m having a really bad day? As if he knew what I was thinking, Brandon gave my hand a little squeeze again and a slight nod as he silently urged me to continue.
“Jordan will never be forgotten and for as long as I live, he’ll forever be in my heart.”
I glance up to look at everyone that was gathered within the small chapel and I can’t help but take note that almost every single one of them was crying…even people who I don’t think knew Jordan that well and just met him through friends were reaching for the tissues that they had bought with them. In the front row, I saw that Petie was holding a sobbing Patrick close to his chest, his arms wrapped tightly round his waist as he tries, and fails, to stop from crying himself. Next to them was Nate who wasn’t looking at anyone or anything, he just had his head resting against his hands and from the way that his shoulders were moving, I could tell that he was crying too, but he just didn’t want anyone to see.
Just looking round at everyone, watching the tears fall from their eyes as they comfort each other…it made me see just how much of an impact Jordan really had on people’s lives, not just mine but...everyone in this room.