The Aftermath

I glared angrily at the book in my lap for just a second longer, before flinging it across the room. It was as much its fault for being as ridiculously boring as anything else. Sighing, I stood and retrieved it. There was no way I was getting through it and especially not in time.

Heaven only knew how I had managed to make it through high school with grades that were good enough for getting me admitted even to the small college I was attending. I was sure as hell not getting through college as easily. In fact I was almost sure I was not getting through at all.

Staring blankly at the book again, I made an admission. I had a very good idea of how I had gotten those grades in high school. A simple human feeling known as pity. I smiled bitterly. I would much rather not have made it through with those grades. I would much rather not have made it through at all.

Putting the book down, gently this time, I sighed again. I was not even going to attempt to read again. As boring as that book was, I was sure I would not be able to keep my focus on it. And I figured I had had enough time for pondering for one day.

Grabbing my leather jacket I ventured out into the autumn sun. Even if the air was beginning to get chilly, the harsh light still bit at me and my black clothes. I shook my head slightly letting my hair fall into my eyes as I made my way from my apartment to the small corner shop a few blocks away. With my eyes trained on the pavement I found it no less hard to not let my mind wander.

Straying from my course I quickly made my way down a deserted alley way. Pressing my back against the cool brick wall and shutting my eyes tightly, I groaned in frustration, vehemently trying to fight off all my memories and all my thoughts. I just wanted to keep my mind blank.

It took me almost ten minutes before I dared leaving the shadow of the alley way, somewhat convinced I would be able to walk straight. I set on reciting an old poem in my head, not a children's poem that would only have gotten too close, but still something from my childhood days. Probably something I had been met with in school at an age where I had not given up on everything and everyone yet.

Repeating the few short lines over and over again, I finally made it to the shop.

It was not even as if I needed to do any big time shopping. I had most of what I needed and just grabbed some milk before making my way to the cashier.

“Anything else?” the dry old man asked me sourly, not even having bothered with a 'hi' when I approached him.

I sighed wishing he just had not bothered all.

“A bottle of that.” I gestured towards the vodka he kept behind him.

I paid without another word and he handed my plastic back likewise in silence.

There was a time when I always had booze stocked. Booze and pills. Not anymore. The blissful numbness of being drunk was followed by a pain much worse than a simple hangover nowadays. Yet, I decided unlocking my door, tonight I was just about ready to take the trade.

Tonight my dinner was liquid. I drank till I passed out on my bed.