The Aftermath

Moving away from my window I sat back down on my bed vaguely aware I should probably have closed the glass against the cold night time air.

I knew I had brought the nightmare upon myself. I always got nightmares from drinking these days, worse nightmares, but half my wake hours were like living a nightmare so I really did not see how it mattered. The first tears had started rolling down my cheeks when I finally kicked myself off of the bed to close the window.

I meant it. I would give everything for just one more glimpse of Mikey. One more word. One more touch.

Settling back into my bed, my tears flowing freely already, I thought back to that night, to the way my heart had raced as my baby brother said he would give himself to me. And on top of all the other things I regretted about that night, I regretted not having kissed him when I lay with him on my bed.

I regretted not having made him understand what I really meant when I said that I loved him.

I regretted everything that I could have done differently but in the darkness of the night I most of all regretted knowing what could have been.

My mood kept shifting from regret to remorse and back again, and I was still in that same state as the sky finally began lightening.

Rising from my bed I got dressed with jerky mechanical movements. My tears had long since dried on my face.

I did not bother with breakfast or a hair brush. I contemplated the eyeliner, but it was drizzling and where I wanted to go I figured it was moot anyway.

The sun had barely escaped the embrace of the horizon as I set out.

I walked slowly through the silent city only being passed by single cars every once in a while. Contrary to the day before I did nothing to keep the thoughts of my little brother at bay. I embraced the pain it brought me to think of him as I walked across town.

The hinges of the gate made an eerie sound as though to warn me, when I entered the cemetery. But I disregarded their warning as everyone else's about anything. I did not want to be smart about anything anymore.

My feet found their own way to the stone I was looking for. It was just a plague on the ground, partly covered in burning autumn leaves now, but I could read enough. More than enough.

…ames Way
11.10.1980 - … -1995

Fifteen years. Such a short span. My mind reeled from the thought.

I stood there for an immeasurable amount of time, but I was torn from my thoughts as a cloud suddenly blocked the sun's light entirely. The rain had gone from a light drizzle to an actual downpour and I was already drenched, though I had not noticed up until now.

Shakily I took a step away from my brother's grave. A chilly wind howled through the graveyard making me shiver with cold. I wrapped my arms around myself looking around slightly startled before finally starting to move.

The rain kept growing heavier, pounding down on me, and I realised I had to take shelter rather than make my way back across town. My eyes shortly landed on the row of mausoleums, but I shook my head at myself immediately; I definitely did not want to go in to one of those.

Instead I made my way to the church. It lay directly adjacent to the graveyard and it was very old. It had been out of commission long before I was born.

I bowed my head against the biting wind, making my way forward with stumbling steps, shivering to the core. The sudden weather change scared me.

Tripping, I caught myself on a marble bird bath. From the state it was in I guessed that it had not been tended to for as least as long as the church. Currently it was filling with water again, the pelting rain making the surface unstable.

I looked down at my distorted reflection, shaking with cold and gasping with fear, gripping the edge so tightly that my knuckles turned white. I tried to get a grip on myself, to make myself go on.

Suddenly there was something else in the water's unruly surface besides my own reflection. I could just make out a person's silhouette slowly closing in behind me. My breath hitched and disappeared all together.

The person I thought I could make out came up right behind me and unwillingly I searched out their eyes. The hazel gaze sent a shiver through me, and recognition finally jerked me from my frozen stage. I spun around, my breath shallower than ever, only to be met with nothingness.

There was nothing behind me.

I whimpered, shivering now both from cold and fear and the sobs tearing through my body. With the last of my strength I forced myself to run for the church door.

I disregarded the old, frayed note prohibiting entry only to stop on the threshold.

The church was more of a ruin than anything. It rained through the roof in several places, most of the benches had collapsed, and the cold wind reigned in here as well.

Yet, with the graveyard and its illusions as the only alternative, I went in further. All the way up to the altar which was the place least destroyed by the touch of time. Crying, shivering and gasping for breath, I knelt.

I had never prayed before, but I was starting to wonder if right now might not be an excellent time to start.