Does Love Still Exist?

Feeling the afternoon sun beating down on her back, Katrina laid the roses on the two graves that were side by side. Carefully, she sat down in front of them as she fought back the tears. Looking at the names of her grandparents on the headstones was hard for her. She hadn't come here since before Noah was born. The last time she was here was for Shannon's wedding and she made time to see them.

“I wonder how things would have turned out if I hadn't met Hank or if I just hadn't been traded to New York. You raised me to know the difference between right and wrong; between giving up and knowing when to quit,” Katrina said. “I have two sons now and you would love them to pieces. They have such opposite personalities. Noah and Kristopher are like night and day and I wouldn't change anything about that. They look so much like their father with bits of me mixed in. I just wish we were the happy family that is portrayed of us in the magazines and newspapers...”

Wiping the tears that were flowing from her eyes, Katrina took a deep breath as she tried to keep her emotions in check. She didn't want to head back to Shannon's place with red puff eyes. The last thing she wanted was for Noah and Kristopher to see her crying, to see how much pain Hank was putting her through.

“Hank is a great father to both of the boys and I’m sure that you both are watching out for us and watching at how fast they are growing up, but how am I supposed to trust him? I love this man so much and now I can't stop thinking about what he did. Had he slept with someone else, someone that was her, that wasn't Caitlin James, I would have been able to get over it with time, but it was the one person that I can't compete with. It seems like he can't say no to her and I know she's this beautiful woman, but he married me and has two sons with me, when is it supposed to be that he picks over her? It feels like Vancouver all over again and that is the last thing I want,” Katrina sighed. “I want a life where I am not the one to be second guessing herself on if getting married was the right thing to do. I really hope that I didn't make this huge mistake by getting married to him. Noah and Kristopher are definitely not mistakes though, they are my world. You should see how happy they are when I bring them to the soccer field to play for a little bit. I'm hoping that the concussion symptoms go away soon. I want to get back to playing and traveling with the team.”

Pausing to think about what she was gonna say to them, Katrina wiped the tears that had escaped her eyes. “I plan to keep my word, I am going to file for separation from him when the boys and I go back to New York. In my honest opinion it will be good for not only me, but for him to see the real affects of what he did and I need him to understand where I am coming from. He doesn't understand the hurt that he's put me through and I don't know what to do where the boys are concerned, but I do want him a part of their lives but maybe I just need the time to get everything together and realize what is going on with him and what not. I guess that saying that you two always said was right, nothing worth having ever came easy. Sometimes I wish it did though, that way I wouldn't have to make all these big decisions and have people telling me that I’m doing something wrong or whatever. I really wish that you both were here to meet the boys. I love you guys, I'll try and be back soon. I love you.”

Getting to her feet, Katrina walked towards the car she borrowed from Sean. Shannon had a training session so Sean had agreed to watch the boys after she got them down for a nap and then she also promised not to take too long, but he had told her to take her time. Sean was one of the few guys who understood that she needed some alone time. She would always have two constant reminders of Hank and those were her sons and that was something she wouldn't change, but sometimes alone time is what she needed, even from her sons.

As soon as she pulled up into the driveway, she could hear Kristopher crying and Noah screaming. With a sigh, she walked inside and looked at the commotion that was happening inside the house. Closing the garage door where she parked the car since Shannon was still gone. Rubbing her head this was not what she wanted to come back to.

“Noah stop with the screaming! I could hear you from outside.”

Hearing the pattering of bare feet on the hardwood floors, Katrina looked and saw her oldest son running towards her. Leaning down she picked him and placed him on her hip as she walked over to where Sean was holding a naked Kristopher. “I guess you had your hands full after nap time.”

“Noah slept, but about ten or fifteen minutes after you left Kristopher woke up and hasn't slept since.”

“And he's naked because?” Katrina asked.

“Soaked through his diaper and I was changing him when Noah woke up and then all the screaming and crying ensued. I don't know how you do this.”

“Practice,” Katrina said leaving Noah on the couch and walking over to where Sean was struggling to put a diaper on her youngest son. Sitting down, she pulled Kristopher in her direction as Sean handed her the diaper and a wipe. Getting him cleaned up and then into the diaper before looking back at Sean. “I used to get so frustrated when Hank was gone for something and I was alone and they were acting so bad. I would start thinking that I’m this horrible mother and that I couldn't do it, but after each day it would get easier.”

“And how was Hank?”

“Noah from the start was always very attached to Hank and to this day he kinda still is. Kristopher on the other hand is a mommy's boy,” Katrina said as she lifted Kristopher into her arms and Noah sat next to her shoulder. Her back was against the couch. “I'm a little nervous about going back to New York.”

“The flight home?” Sean asked.

“Not so much,” Katrina sigh. “It would be seeing Hank after just leaving him a note telling him I was taking the boys here and then the phone call letting him now that I plan to file for separation upon coming back. My life is a mess right now.”

“You've been strong through this whole thing.”

“I have to be,” Katrina said. “I have my boys to look after.”

“And yourself.”

“I am so thankful that you and Shannon have been here for me through this whole thing. I think that if I had to stay there with him just around all the time it would just continue to build up and what not and I don't see that being a good thing right now.”

“Are you ready to see him again?”

“Not really,” Katrina said. “Marc called me on my way back. Hank is staying with him in his apartment. Well the guest room anyways.”

“So it will be you and the kids.” Sean said. “Things will work out for you. All you have to do is believe in it.”

“I really hope that you are right, Sean,” Katrina said as she placed a kiss on Kristopher's forehead. “I truly do.”

A few days later, Katrina and the boys were back home. Both Noah and Kristopher were sound asleep when she pulled up to the house. Unbuckling Noah's car seat, Katrina carried him up to the door and unlocked it before walking inside and leaving the door open. Walking up the stairs she placed Noah into his bed and took his shoes off before closing the door.

Making her way back downstairs and out the door, Katrina made her way to the car where she opened the door and took her son out of the car. Hugging him to her body, she made her way inside and up the stairs to her bedroom where she put him into his bed. Making sure he was covered, she walked out of the room and back down the stairs. Going back outside, she grabbed the luggage from the back of the car. Lifting it out of the car, she closed the trunk and the door before setting the alarm. Walking into the house, she put the luggage at the bottom of the stairs as she locked the door.

Leaving the luggage there, she walked into the kitchen and was surprised to see a note on the fridge that was held up by a magnet.

Taking the picture off the fridge, Katrina really looked at it. It was when Kristopher had just been born. She was sleeping with the new baby in on her chest and Noah next to her while Hank slept in a chair with his head next to Noah. The picture had been taken by Marc who had stopped by early to take Noah out for awhile. Putting the photo back on the fridge, Katrina picked up the note that was written in Hank's handwriting.

Kitty,

I don't know if writing this will do me any good. I know what you want, but there is just something I can't give you. I won't let you leave. We have a family and I want us to work through this. I know I messed up. Going out and drinking and going to Marc's after what happened was not the smartest thing I have ever done, but what is done is done. I can't change things. My feelings for her aren't the same as the ones I have for you. You are the mother of my kids and I don't see anyone comparing to that.

I need to know that you still love me, that we can overcome this. Please.

I'm staying at Marc's and then at Sean's for awhile. I know you want your space. Please just talk to me. I love you Kitty.

Love you Always,

Henrik

Wiping the tears from her eyes after reading that note, Katrina wasn't sure what was going to happen to her marriage or her family. Family was always going to be a huge factor when doing things with her life. Noah and Kristopher came before everything else. And that was how it would stay. Leaving the note on the counter in the kitchen, she grabbed a bottle of water from the kitchen before heading up the stairs to her bedroom. Once her head hit the pillow she fell asleep.

Waking up the next morning, Katrina felt extra weight on the bed, but not enough for it to be Hank. Looking over at the other side of her, she couldn't help but smile at the site before her eyes. Noah had come in and taken up the spot his father usually slept in when he used to sleep in the same room as her. It was in that moment when she truly realized that getting things sorted with Hank would be for the best. Not just for her but for her kids as well. If she was lucky, Marc would agree to watch the boys while she talked to her husband so she could explain everything to him face to face. She wouldn't have this conversation over the phone, it had to be in person. No ifs ands or buts about it. Now she just had to get out of bed and get started if she were to put her plan to action.