I Hope You're as Happy as You're Pretending

CHAPTER FIVE: He Pulled Me Out of the Trance, Now Baby, That Faith Had Put Me In
February 8, 2011 - Grand Island, NE
“How are things?” I looked up at George. He had a cup of coffee in his hands, and had showered already. It was early yet, so I didn’t understand the cheerfulness this early. I had been with him many mornings when he had been a complete and total dick.

“You know,” I answered, as he took a seat next to me. I was trying to watch a movie, but it really wasn’t appealing to me right now. I hadn’t slept much, I was keeping myself up over what George had told me last night, and how I had messed with that the night before, so I was well aware that I wouldn’t be sleeping for a while yet. “How’s baby watch day three going?” I just knew I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I wanted to be done with it anymore.

“No baby yet,” he answered. “I hope it stays until we’re done. Only have like eight days left, and I don’t want to leave mid-tour.” I nodded. I wasn’t sure how the guys’ would take it if he just got up and left because his baby was being born or if I would even need to find a replacement or not. There were so many questions and situations I had thought of while I had been up last night, having to do with anything and everything.

“I’m sure baby Jordan will hold off as long as it possibly can.” I had said it mostly to comfort myself, but if I believed it or not was a completely different story. I hoped and prayed that kid was to stay in there, but it wasn’t my decision on if it did or not. That was up to it and to Kristie.

“I’m sorry for dropping that shit on you last night,” he apologized, and I looked in his direction. It didn’t settle me any, his apology. It was just there. I wasn’t sure that anything could help that bomb he had dropped on me last night. I didn’t want to believe that it was true, but there was no actual reason for George to lie to me.

“I know,” I answered. “I’m glad you did tell me, in a way, but it was just some stupid kiss. Nothing will happen, but I do appreciate the apology.” He gave me a nod.

“Kristie told me to watch out for you and Jorel, she told me. I told her it’d be fine, but you know. She’s forever right. Oh, here, this is for you.” He handed the coffee to me. “You sounded like you were up all night.” I nodded my head. I don’t think I had laid down in my bunk at all last night. I couldn’t get Jorel out of my head.

“Have been. I stay up late anyways.” George nodded his head. It wasn’t exactly a lie, I did stay up pretty late, compared to the normal, but I never stayed up the whole night fretting about one guy. “Is it serious?” I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t know why I was asking, but I just had to know.

“You’re asking me if an engagement is serious?” George got up, and shut the door of the lounge, blocking us off from the rest of the bus. “Are you serious right now?” He returned himself into his seat.

“No shame,” I answered. I was just curious more than anything. It was a shame that all the good ones are always taken before I meet them. “I was just curious, George.” He shook his head.

“You don’t even know anything about Jorel.”

“How much did you know about Kristie?” I figured it was a good question, and if he was going to yell at me for being even the slightest bit interested in Jorel at this stage, I wanted to yell back for being hypocritical.

“We toured together for like, a year before I touched her. You met Jorel four days ago.” I couldn’t yell at that, if it was factual. I still figured everything he said to me was; I still didn’t see a reason for him to have to lie to me.

“You talk too much sense for having neck tattoos.” He laughed, sliding one of his hands over the tattoo that was facing me.

“I read.” At that statement, I honestly couldn’t have been more shocked. Who knew that Johnny 3 Tears liked to read. I could honestly say that I hadn’t known. I had seen him have a lot of crazy nights, but I hadn’t ever seen him sit down with a book and actually read.

“Bitch, you do not.” He threw his hands in the air.

“You don’t even know me,” he laughed. “I read all the time. You can ask my better half. She bought me a Kindle for Christmas. Fuck if I know how to use the fucking thing. I like my books.”

“You read. That’s insane.” He shrugged his shoulders, getting off of the couch.

“Yeah, going to go call Kristie now. Be good, damned you.” I gave him a thumbs up, and he left the lounge, leaving the door open. I looked over at the TV screen, letting the endless nonsense drill into my brain, but never dislodging the thought of Jorel. Why would he kiss me and lead me on if he had a fiancee? Was he not happy with her? I just couldn’t understand that.

“Jessi!” I looked away from the television, and toward Danny, who was standing in the door frame. I smiled at him, as he came toward me, and took a seat to the right of me, where George had just been, no more than ten minutes before.

“Daniel, what’s going on?” I questioned, closing the screen of my laptop I had resting in my lap. He shrugged his shoulders, grabbing the remote from where I had it laying next to my leg.

“Not too much.” He began to switch through the channels on the television, until he came to some news programming. “Kristie always has this on,” he laughed. “I never thought that I would miss her habits of this and not like not knowing what’s going on in the world.”

“You guys adore Kristie,” I pointed out, and he nodded his head.

“Yeah, but we like you lots, too! She gave preferential treatment to George.” He looked toward me. “We all know is because George was hitting that and telling her that he loved her,” he laughed. “Basically, they fucked a lot.”

“Yes, I can tell because of what happened.”

“Getting pregnant?” I nodded. “Yup, that’ll do it.”

“Answer me a question, Daniel.”

“Shoot.”

“Well, two,” I started. “Does George like to read and does Jorel have a fiancee?”

“Yes and yes. You should fucking see George with his kindle,” Danny laughed. “He uses it as a bookmark. He’s so technology declined.”

“I’ve been hearing that, yeah,” I laughed.

“Jorel doesn’t really seem to like his fiancee anymore,” Danny changed the subject. “He’s been fucking around more than usual on this tour. I don’t understand why he continues to string her along like that, if he doesn’t plan to do anything with her. But, that really doesn’t mean you should fuck around with him.”

“He told you guys?” Danny looked away from the television and toward me, with his eyebrows raised high.

“What’d he tell us?”

“Nothing,” I answered.

“Oh, no fun. Do you want to go get some breakfast with me today? I’m hungry.” I sighed.

“I suppose. Let me put some pants on.” Danny laughed.

“Shorts ain’t gonna do it today?” I shook my head, sliding my laptop into his lap, and then stood up.

“Nah, its cold out.”

“Fair enough.”



“Hey, JDog, over here,” I said to him, sliding into the booth, next to Danny. Jorel had gotten preoccupied with looking at the buffet that they had here at Big Boy, and was now looking around for us. He spotted us, and gave us a smile, coming toward the table, as the hostess sat down our menus in front of us at the table. He took a seat across from Danny and myself, scooting over to make room for George, who had stopped at the bathroom.

“Your server will be right with you,” the hostess smiled at us.

“Its okay, we’ve already got one,” Jorel smiled at her, and I rolled my eyes. He could be such a smart ass when he wanted to be, I had noticed. I’d probably think he was a huge dick, had I not known any better.

“Shut up, Jorel,” Danny laughed. Thank you.” The hostess nodded, and walked away from our table, the smile now gone from her face. “You such the life out of everyone.” Jorel laughed, and I grinned at him.

“I can’t help it. They say such dick-ass things.” I shook my head.

“You’re the one who says dick things.” He threw his hands in the air. “Oh, don’t even be like that.”

“Which Olsen twin would you want to be friends with, Jay?” I looked toward George, as he took a seat next to him. Jorel and Danny laughed, and I felt left out, for the most part. They had their inside jokes, it would be more hard to believe that they didn’t have any for as long as they had been friends, but I still felt left out.

“What?” The laughed a little louder, and Jorel shook his head a few times.

“You guys’ are fucking ridiculous,” I pointed out, setting my phone on the table next to me, and they shrugged and then nodded, agreeing with me.

“Yeah, we’re aware. Kristie used to tell us all the time, before she just gave into it,” George informed me, with an official-like nod. “Miss that girl, so much.” Jorel and Danny both nodded, agreeing with him. I couldn’t break into this group, no matter how hard I tried to fit it. It was getting so irritating, honestly. I wanted nothing but to work better with them, not talk about Kristie constantly.

“Alright,” Jorel said suddenly, “who’s buying?” Both George and Danny looked away, and to their phones they had in their hands. “Really guys?”

“You buy Dylan pizza,” George pointed out. “You can buy us breakfast this one time.” Danny nodded his head a few times in agreement. I said nothing, I didn’t want to get stuck with their bill. They didn’t pay me enough to pay for breakfast as well as my own bills.

“You’d leave me broke, Fat Boy. Should just buy you a box of crayons.” I looked over toward Danny, who was laughing so hard, he was in tears. I couldn’t help but to laugh at Danny. “Let you go at that shit.” George had a slight grin on his face, but was shaking his head.

“Loved those things. They didn’t call me Fat Boy for nothing.” I shook my head at them, as Danny banged his fist on the table, dropping his forehead against the surface. I set my hand on on Danny’s back, giving him a few pats. “He’s overdoing a little bit,” George pointed out, pulling his sunglasses from his face and hooking them onto the front of his shirt. “Danny, you high?”

“Shut up,” he choked out, taking a deep breath, trying to regain his composure.

“Least someone thinks we’re funny, George. You and I should do standup.” George shook his head.

“I wouldn’t do shit with you, Jay.” George set his phone on the table before him, staring at it. “Besides what we already do.” He picked it up when the backlight came up once more, and I could see Kristie’s name popup on the screen. She was still an extremely big part of my life with these guys yet, even though she was two thousand miles away, at home.

“Fuck? Yeah, that is fun.” He smiled, more at his phone than Jorel, I assumed.

“What you gonna do when I get married?”

“You’re not already?” Jorel asked, as I rolled my eyes. “Let down. I only like sleeping with married people. Its so final and yet so easy to ruin.” George looked away from his phone and to Jorel, shaking his head.

“Shut up, Jay,” Danny told him. I looked away from them, looking around the restaurant for a moment. “That shit isn’t funny.” The people that we had set down behind were glaring at us and getting up to leave with their small children. It made me laugh. It was barely time for them to be awake, let alone being out and actively offending people.

“Fuck you, I’m fucking funny.” I sighed, and shook my head. None of them really had a great sense of humor, which is why they probably thought Kristie was funny.

“Hello.” I looked toward the woman, who was now standing at our table, her order pad out. “How are y’all doing today?” I cringed at her accent. It was light, but I could still hear the southern in it. I wasn’t really used to it, even with all the touring I did around the country. I lived and was in Cleveland most of the time.

“What are we? In the deep south?” I could see her face change at Jorel’s statement. It didn’t look good, and I knew immediately that I wasn’t going to order anything from the kitchen.

“Shut the fuck up, Jorel,” George told him. “I’m sorry. He’s in a pissy ass mood.” She didn’t say anything.

“What can I get you guys’ to drink?”

“Nothing for us,” George answered immediately, getting the feeling as me. Possibility of unsavory things in our food and drinks because Jorel wanted to be a dick this morning. “We’ll all just get the buffet.” She nodded her head a few times, writing it down into her order pad.

“Help yourselves,” she muttered, and turned away from our table. I looked toward George, who was looking at Jorel.

“You’re paying for being an asshole.”



I pulled the bottle of Jack Daniels out between the side of the couch and myself, taking another drink from the bottle, before replacing it back into its spot. It burned on the way down, and wasn’t too great at about skin temperature, but its what I had right now. I just wanted to get drunk enough to not remember something for now. I had been drinking it pretty slow throughout the night, because of their set, but I had since picked up. I wanted to get completely trashed; they had turned me into one of them. I didn’t care about anything having to do with this tour anymore. I just wanted to get trashed, to get wasted, to get botted, to get whatever you wanted to call it; I just wanted to get drunk. None of them stopped me, none of them really cared about what I did. They just needed me to make sure they got their wasted, whether it was on liquor or drugs, asses up on the state for their set time. That was easy, just as long as I kept track of them, and George was making this extremely easy on me, by staying mostly sober and cleaning up after me these last few nights.

Dylan and Jordon were both drinking with me, sharing their bottle of vodka and beers with me, as I requested, but they never asked for my bottle of Jack. The affects were really starting to get to me, and I knew I was probably sounding like a drunk bum by now. Honestly, I didn’t care anymore. I knew that I would never see these guys’ again after this tour, and I didn’t care what I looked like to them anymore. I just had to be forceful enough to get them through the rest of these dates without too many hitches. Make it run as smoothly as possible.

“Ever try cocaine, Jess?” I looked toward Jordon. I shook my head at him. He had a small bag of it in his hand. I had stayed completely away from drugs, not wanting the side effects or the costs associated with it on my back if I were to get hooked. I didn’t like it used around me, I had seen it almost eat away people’s lives and souls, but right now I really couldn’t say that I cared too much about it. Had it been a different night and had I not been inebriated, I probably would have said something.

“No. Don’t want to either.” I pushed myself off of the couch, and attempted to gain my composure. I swayed from side to side, placing my hand against the wall, and closing my eyes, feeling extremely nauseous. Upon gaining my balance and taking a deep breath to take away the nauseous feeling, I grabbed my bottle, and headed for the front of the bus. On my way, I saw both George and Danny in their bunks, George on Danny’s phone and Danny had George’s phone on speaker phone with Kristie, and Matt standing next to the two, also on his own phone.

I took a seat next to Jorel at the table, and he looked toward me, as I set the bottle on top of it. He was watching some third-rate horror movie on his laptop, something he had tried to watch with us in the back, only to be out voted by Jordon and Dylan for something different, some comedy. I hadn’t been watching it, and honestly they hadn’t been either. But, no one really wanted to watch his horror movies tonight.

“What’s up?” He asked, when I said nothing. I shrugged my shoulders a little bit, and picked the Jack up off of the table. I put it to my lips, and took a swig of it, before replacing it to where it had been on the table. Jorel did the same, and made a face. “Its better when its not this warm.” Honestly, I didn’t care and he didn’t seem to see that.

I ignored his statement completely. “I hear you’re engaged,” he just stared at me, not saying anything about what I had just said, so I continued. “And I don’t really give a fuck.” His face changed slightly. He knew that he could get away with something with me, and I was okay with that at this moment. I wanted him to use me. I was way too drunk to even care at this moment.

“Okay,” he said slowly, pushing down the screen of his Mac, “what does that even mean?” I grinned a little bit at him. I didn’t understand why he was beating around the bush with me, he knew what he wanted and he knew what I wanted. I had to admit, it was cute.

“That means bitches are going to kill me,” he raised his eyebrows, “and you know what? I don’t even care.” Smiling, he swept my bangs out of my eyes, and tucked them behind my ear. I couldn’t get over how cute he was being at this very moment. Honestly, it made him more desirable to me. It made me think that he actually cared about me, even in the tiniest bit.

“You are so drunk,” he pointed out. I knew I was, I knew that I wouldn’t remember much of this, if anything, in the morning. RIght now, I was so okay with that. I just wanted him, and I wanted him right now.

I looked away from Jorel for the moment, at the sound of the door opening. One of the crew members walked onto the bus. He took one look at Jorel and I, and shook his head. “Figures.” I gave him a glare as he passed, and looked back toward Jorel. I could feel my face soften immediately. He was so beautiful.

“So what are you going to do about it?” I found myself asking, and he gave me a large grin. I knew that he wasn’t that ignorant to the fact that I wanted him.

“Hopefully fucking you,” he answered, and his lips met mine.