I Hope You're as Happy as You're Pretending

CHAPTER SIX: That Was Quite A Show, Very Entertaining
February 10, 2011 - Boise, ID
My eyes slid open slowly, becoming quite aware of the constant pounding in my head from the hangover I was currently experiencing. The bus was almost silent, besides the hum of the generator and the faint sound of the morning news, probably coming from the back lounge. I was in a bunk, and becoming well aware of the body next to me when a tattooed arm flopped across my body. My breathing heightened, as I picked up the blanket a little bit, looking down at my unclothed body. I looked to my right, curious who it was, and bit my lip when I saw Jorel. This instantly took precedence over my hangover.

I took a deep breath, sliding open the curtain and peeking out of it. I was in the middle bunk, the last one in the row of the three of them. All of the curtains were pulled closed, besides George’s, who was directly across from us and Danny’s, who was above George. George was laying in his bunk, his Mac propped up high on his thighs, and Danny was no where to be found. He was probably the one watching the news.

I pulled the bunk curtain closed, and looked back toward Jorel. His mouth was hanging slightly open, but I could tell that the corners of his were curled up into a smile. I sighed, carefully removing his hand from where it was laying across from me. He didn’t stir, and I began to search around for clothing. I found a t-shirt and a pair of shorts, quickly sliding them onto my body, not concerned with anything else at this precise moment.

“Hey, George, your girl coming out today?” I peeked out of the curtain once more, watching George lean out of the side of his bunk, to look down at Danny, who was sitting in the back lounge. His voice coming from back there had confirmed it for me.

“Yeah,” George answered, sliding his Mac off of his legs and onto his bunk mattress. He got up, and headed back to see Danny, and I took the opportunity to slide out of Jorel’s bunk. “Her birthday is today, so I’m flying her out.” I slid between George and the door frame, and took a seat next to Danny, who immediately handed me a bottle of aspirin. “Hey, where’d you come from?” I gave George a shrug, and opened the bottle quickly. I shook a few out and popped them into my mouth, followed by a drink from the bottle of my water.

“Just hanging out,” I answered. “Why’s Kristie coming?”

“Her birthday. Wanted to see her face,” he answered and then shrugged. “Her ugly face.” He smiled. They both said the same things about one another when they weren’t together, but they were never serious. “Hopefully she can have that baby so we can get this over with.”

“I’m sure she doesn’t hope the same thing,” Danny pointed out. “They like to have as few people as possible looking up there.” He and George grinned. Danny had been through the whole pregnancy and baby thing once before. He knew about the whole thing. I knew a little bit too, but I didn’t say much. “Did she mention if she’s dilated or anything?”

“Like, what? Two centimeters?” He looked down at his phone, that was vibrating in his hand. “Four? I don’t fucking know. I just go with whatever she tells me. It means nothing to me, because I don’t know what it means.” He answered his phone, smiling. “Hello?” He paused, the smile slowly fading from his face. “Not again!” Danny laughed from beside me, and George’s smile returned. “Well, maybe I want you to.” He walked off, still talking on the phone, and was quickly replaced by Jordon, who leaned into the door frame, looking to Danny and myself, but mostly to me.

“Yes?” I questioned, and he gave me a smile.

“Nothing, nothing,” he answered, shaking his head. “I just didn’t realize you liked the Lakers. I figured the Cavilers would be more your speed.” I looked down at my shirt. It was Jorel’s and I wanted to punch myself for my stupidity. If he came out in my Of Mice & Men shirt, we were going to be fucked. “I guess I was wrong. That’s not my style, though. I’m always right.” Danny and I laughed together.

“Must be my brother’s,” I answered, with a smile. “He likes the Lakers. I don’t watch sports. Just didn’t realize that I packed it and put it on. Gotta wear something.”

“Or, more realistically, it must be JDog’s.” He laughed, and turned away from Danny and myself. “Hey, Jay-Three-Tee! When are we going to go get you better half?” I rolled my eyes, and crossed my arms over my chest, hiding the logo under my crossed arms.

“Well, this is awkward,” Danny muttered, pushing himself off of couch.

“How is what awkward?” He stopped at the door, and turned himself toward me.

“You fucking Jorel,” he answered, like it was the most obvious thing in the word, “that’s awkward for me to know about.”

“And if I didn’t fuck Jorel?” He shook his head at me.

“We all know that you fucked him, so quit making your excuses.” I sighed, as he turned away from me and headed down through the bunks and into the front lounge. I set my hands on my face; this whole rest of the tour was going to be awkward for me.

“Hey, Jess,” I looked up, watching George come toward me, “wanna go get Kristie with us?” I scrunched up my nose a little bit, and shook my head.

“Nah,” I answered, pushing myself up off of the couch. “I need to go shower and go do some other shit.”

“Might want to give Jorel back his shirt back too, yeah?” He laughed at me.

“Why do you have on Jorel’s shirt?” It was Kristie, George had her on speakerphone. I opened my mouth to say something, but became very aware that I had nothing to say. She had told me not to get involved with Jorel. She had told me it was a bad idea.

“They were fucking,” he answered for me.

“Shut up, George.”

“What did I tell you?” She questioned, and then sighed. “Just come get me, George. All you mother fuckers piss me off.” The line went dead, and he shoved his phone in his pocket.

“And that was the boss,” he laughed. “And she’s not happy.” He shook his head, with a sour look on his face. “I think its the hormones. I hope its the hormones.”

“Don’t know what to tell you, George.” He shrugged his shoulders, and I could hear Jorel’s curtain of his bunk sliding open. George looked toward him, and laughed as he slid out of his bunk. George laughed, I could see that Jorel was wearing my Of Mice & Men shirt. I set my hand on my head, shaking it. “Oh god.”

“Jorel, what the fuck.”

“What dude?” George pulled at my shirt he had on, and Jorel looked down at it. “Oh fuck.”



“Brian, if you don’t knock it off, I will deck you.”

I was sitting with the guys’ of Avenged Sevenfold, Hollywood Undead, both crews, a few stragglers from New Medicine, and Kristie, whose birthday was the occasion for this huge get together at this steakhouse. She was sitting between Brian and George, on the other side of the table, and I was sitting on the opposite side between Jorel and Zacky. I felt awkward; I had slept with both of these men. They had done this purposely, it seemed. Why else would they have both sat next to me?

“Please just leave her alone, Brian,” I begged. I just wanted to be done with this awkward meal and go back to the bus and start drinking again. I wanted to forget about Jorel and what we had done. I wanted to forget about what about Zacky and I had done, so long ago. I wanted to go home, away from all of this bullshit. “We are all begging you, okay? Please just stop.”

“Oh, come on, Jessi, we’re just having fun,” he smiled at me. “Why are you the only one who gets to have a little fun on this tour?” I shook my head, pushing myself away from the table, and getting out of my chair. I began to walk toward the exit of the restaurant. I didn’t have to put up with that shit.

“Uncalled for!” Kristie yelled at him, backing me up, but it was too late, I was already upset. I walked out the door, and stood just outside of it, pulling my pack of cigarettes from my pocket. I pulled the lighter out of my pack followed by one of the sticks, pulling it into my mouth and lighting it. I was stuck here until everyone was ready to go, because we had been essentially dropped off.

The door behind me opened, and Jorel appeared before me, hands on his hips. He looked like a fairy when he stood like that. “What the fuck is your deal, Jessi? What the fuck is going on?”

“You’re what the fuck is going on. What do you want from me, Jorel? Am I just here for you to string me along? Because you know what? I’m tired of it. I am so fucking tired of it.” Jorel threw his hands in the air.

“I didn’t do anything, Jessica. I’m just here, and you’re just there, and we’re fucking hanging out.”

“You and I had sex. Do you even care about that?”

“We had sex, so what? Its just sex.”

“You know what, Jorel? Fuck you and fuck off.”

“I don’t know what you want from me. I really don’t.” He repositioned his hat on the top of his head. “I’m trying to be sympathetic here, but you make it hard.”

“I’m not asking you to fucking love me here. I’m asking you to at least be a little bit sympathetic, because you know what? I’ve never fucking done that shit before. I don’t go sleep around, that’s not me.”

“I don’t know what you do and no one is fucking judging you, okay? I’m not, the guys aren’t. No one is. You want to fuck again, because you know what? I’ll fuck you again.”

“I don’t want to fuck you again.” I pushed at his chest. “I don’t even want to see your face again.”

“Well, that’s not fucking true,” he informed me, pulling my cigarette from my lips. He put his hand against the side of my face, and curled his fingers behind my neck, almost pulling me toward him. His lips crashed against my own, and his tongue immediately met mine.

I shoved him away, letting my hand come in contact with the side of his face, and turned away from him. I could feel the insistent stinging in my hand, and I shook it in response to the pain. I walked back inside of the restaurant, and immediately into the bathroom, feeling tears begin to sting at the bottom of my eyes. I walked up to the counter, and took a seat on it, setting my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands. What had I gotten myself into?

“Jessi?” I looked up, watching my best friend walk through the door, her hand permanently attached to her stomach. She frowned when she saw me, and came toward me. She held out her arms, toward me, and took me into her enveloping hug. “It’ll be okay, I promise.”

“He’s a jerk,” I cried, as she rubbed at my back. “But I want him so badly, but he’s engaged and shit. I’m ruining another girl’s life.” She pushed me away from her and held me at an arm’s length away.

“Who told you Jorel was engaged?”

“George did.”

“Oh, George,” she sighed, letting me go. “Jorel’s not engaged. He just tells people that to keep girls off his dick. He told me that too. He’s just looking out for you, so don’t be mad at him.” Didn’t know who I was more mad at, at this very second: George or Jorel. “Clean up and come out, okay? I’m starving.”

“You’re all about food anymore.” She raised her eyebrows, and set her hands back onto her stomach.

“Really bro? Really?” I gave her a weak smile, and she gave me another hug. “It’ll be okay, alright? Just punch Jorel in the goddamned face and then fuck him. Just clean up. Your makeup is running.”

“I look like a mess, don’t I?” She shook her head slowly a few times, and I gave her a serious look. She then nodded her head, and I huffed. “All over fucking Jorel.”

“Jorel is good looking and an overall nice guy when he’s not being a dick.” I nodded my head a few times. I had noticed both, for the most part. “Don’t tear yourself up over it, Jessica. He’ll realize what he’s done eventually and be nicer, hopefully.”

“I just want to go home, okay?” She shook her head.

“Not a chance. There’s six days left, I can’t stay, and they need someone to take care of their stupid asses, so that has to be you. Just don’t let Jorel get to you. Punch him, if needed. I am okay with that.” She laughed.

“I don’t want to punch anyone. I really just want this tour to be over.” She nodded her head a few times.

“You’ll be okay, do you understand me? Don’t let Jorel get to you. You’re a bigger person than he is, so just let it be, okay?” I nodded, and she handed me a tissue, which I used to wipe at the tears I had streaming down my face. I knew that I looked awful, she didn’t have to tell me.

“Jessi,” I looked toward the door, watching Jorel peek in. When he saw it was just Kristie and myself, he came through the door, and leaned up against it. “I’m sorry.” Kristie pat my knee a few times, before going toward Jorel, who let her out of the door. “I didn’t mean to upset you.” He came toward me. “I like you and I’m doing shit wrong, and I know that and I just don’t know what to do. This isn’t easy.”

“Its fine.” I pushed myself off of the counter, and turning myself around toward the large mirror. My dark makeup was now streaming halfway down my face. “I’m pretty unconcerned.”

“You just slapped the shit out of me.” I laughed, and nodded. “My face still hurts.”

“I’m sorry, Jay.” I wasn’t really sorry, but I still felt the need to apologize, for whatever reason. Just how I was.

“You’re not sorry.” He appeared in my mirror, and set one of his hands on my back. “I’m Jorel Decker, I’m interested in you and I want to know more about you.” I looked up at his face, studying it for a second. I couldn’t tell if he was serious or if he was fucking with me.

“Only, not really.”



“Hey George?” I looked over toward Kristie, who was sitting next to me on the bus here. She was staying with us another night, because she wanted to see them play tomorrow. I was just hoping that she was going to wait to go into labor until she got back home. I would hate to have her sitting out here and just go into labor with the kid. I was pretty sure at that point, George would leave the tour if she had it now.

“Yes?” He poked his head back into the lounge, looking to Kristie. He had a smile on his face, obviously happy that she was back in his life, even temporarily like she was right now.

“I hate to ask,” she started, and George and I both laughed, obviously knowing that wasn’t the case. “Fuck both of you, forget it.” She slowly began to push herself off of the couch, and George rushed to her aid. I couldn’t help but to roll my eyes.

“Let me help,” he told her, taking her hands, and pulling her off of the couch.

“How cute.” George gave me the finger from behind his girlfriend. I smiled a little bit, as she put her hand in his face, pushing him away from her as soon as she had gotten to her feet and and headed out of the back lounge. “Denied, George, denied.”

“You’re going to get slapped in your face,” he promised me, following his girlfriend out. I sighed, picking up the remote from where it was laying next to me. I began to click through the stations, being irritated with the news Kristie had put on, until I came to cartoons. They amused me, even now. I could watch them for hours, and I was sure that I had, when I had been interrupted.

“Hey, you.” The voice startled me out of my daze, and I looked to the face it belonged to. Zacky smiled at me, and I smiled back. I couldn’t help but smile back at him.

“Oh my god, its Zacky Vengeance. He must want something from little ol’ me.” He rolled his eyes, and I picked myself up off of the couch. I walked up to him, and slid my arms around him. He did the same to me. “How are you? We didn’t get to talk much this afternoon.”

“You ran out.” I sighed, and nodded. I hadn’t gone back to the table. I had been too embarrassed to go back to the table. Jorel and I had walked back to the venue, which hadn’t been too far from the restaurant. We had talked a little bit, he wanted to know a little bit about my family, but I hadn’t really answered any of his questions to the fullest. It was awkward that he wanted to know.

“Yeah, I just was having a bad day.” He nodded his head, as I took a seat back on the couch. He continued to stand there and look down on me. “How’s your day going?”

“Its going alright. What’s going on with you and Jorel?” I raised my eyebrows at him, watching him slide his hands into his pockets.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean, sir.”

“Yes you do.” I pushed myself back up off of the couch. I didn’t want to deal with this now. He wasn’t in my life anymore. He hadn’t been in my life in an extremely long time, and now it was bullshit that he was even the slightest bit interested now. He had walked away, mostly on his own terms, a very long time ago. I had begged him not to go, but he hadn’t listened. We could have made it work, I knew that we could have, but he didn’t want to try.

“Zack, what I do is none of your business, okay? When you walked out, you lost any and all influence in my life.” He crossed his arms over his chest, staring me down.

“Its not like I wanted to go,” he began and I sighed. I knew where this was going to lead. We hadn’t talked about it, we had barely seen each other in that time since it had happened, but here we were now. Now he wanted to let everything hang out in front of my new band and new crew; in front of Jorel. This was seriously the last place I wanted to do that.

“You went on your own terms, Baker. I never asked you to go. Sure, I wasn’t happy with you, we weren’t happy a lot of days, but I wouldn’t have ever asked you to go. I figured you were happy, but I was wrong, and I guess that happens. When are you ever happy?” He glared at me. “What do you really want?”

“I came to see you, but I don’t know what the fuck you want from me. Do you not expect me to be mad about that shit?”


“About Jorel and I?” He nodded. “Zack, I haven’t seen you in what? Two years? You can’t just walk in here like you and I are still dating. I didn’t cheat on you, you cheated on me. I asked you to stay, I asked you to work these things out, but you walked away. Its not like you are the only person that I’ve ever been with. That has ever been interested in me.”

“I thought we weren’t going to bring this up. I’m sorry that shit happened, but I can’t take it back. It is what it is.”

“Who said we weren’t going to bring it up, Zack? That shit happened. That’s what you did to me. You’d be sitting here throwing that shit in my face if I did it, so you know what? I’m doing it to you. Am I mad about what happened? Not anymore. Am I mad about you leaving? Not anymore. Am I mad at you right now for trying to pry into something that isn’t any of your fucking business? You better believe it.”

“I don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.” I shook my head at him.

“Yeah, you don’t deserve to be spoken to at all.” He huffed. He was mad, which he didn’t deserve to be, either. “Zack, I want to be friends with you, but you make it difficult when you start trying to pry into something you’re no longer apart of anymore. I wish you would respect those boundaries.” He shook his head. “No, you don’t get to shake your head. You cheated, remember?” I put emphasis on cheated, and again the glare returned.

“Was an accident.” I didn’t believe it was an accident, but I really, really didn’t want to get into with him.

“And I asked you to stay.”

“I couldn’t.”

“Why?”

He threw his hands in the air. “Because I felt like an asshole!” This was the most I had ever gotten from him, in the four years of time that had passed since he had walked out. “No one fucking deserves that, and especially not you.” I, honestly, couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Why couldn’t he have taken his own advice? We wouldn’t have been here, like this, if he had. We could have been happily together. Even if it hadn’t worked out, we could have at least stayed pretty good friends, rather than being so distant. I hated all of this.

“So you should have stopped.”

“This isn’t about me anymore,” he informed me. “This is about you. You might think that you want Jorel, but I’ve seen him pick up more tail on this tour than anyone I’ve ever seen before. I don’t want you to get hurt again.”

“You shouldn’t have hurt me in the first place, ZV. We wouldn’t be having this conversation if you hadn’t. I wouldn’t want to kill bitches every time I listen to Avenged. Just stay worried with yourself and I’ll stay concerned with myself. There’s nothing going on with Jorel and I. We’re professional.” Zacky rolled his eyes at me and shook his head. “What the fuck, Zack?”

“I really highly doubt that.”

“Please, just go. Come back when you’re done being such a jackass and not looking at my life with a magnifying glass, please.”

“So, you admit there was something going on with Jorel?”

“Zack, we had sex. Its none of your business. Please, just go.” He said nothing to me, just just stared. I felt awkward under his gaze, but I didn’t say anything.

“You better stay content with that fucking blow job!” Zack turned around, as Kristie came back into the lounge. “Oh, hey, ZV.”

“Hey back yourself.” He took her into his arms for a quick moment. “Excited for your baby?” She smiled at him, and I rolled my eyes, taking a seat back on the couch. Kristie seemed to take note of my attitude toward him.

“Always, but I’m guessing that your band is looking for you. Its getting pretty close to bus call.” He sighed, but nodded at her. It was funny how he still listened, though she hadn’t worked for them in an extremely long time.

“I guess your right.” She nodded, and he slid carefully by her, being sure not to touch her too much. She watched him head down the hallway and off the bus. I could hear the door slam, and she looked back toward me.

“The fucking shit was that?” She pointed down the hall randomly, obviously referring to Zacky.

“He acts like he owns me, and that shit is not going to fly.” She set her hand on her forehead. “What?”

“I don’t know. I need to lay down. You stress me out. Everyone stresses me out. Its seriously the last thing I need to happen right now.” She set her hands on her stomach. “I can’t do this. Not right now.”

“So go lay down,” I pressed. “We don’t need you popping this baby out right now, okay?” She gave me a long sigh, wanting to resist the urge to go lay with her boyfriend, who I knew was probably in his bunk, basking in the bliss from his blow job and reading a book.

“Fine,” she muttered. “Jorel!” She yelled, as she headed out, and I set my hand on my face. “Where the hell is Jorel?”

“Don’t you mean George?” I could hear Jorel answering back.

“George is right here.” I heard a hard smack, followed by a very prominent ‘ow!’ from George, making me laugh. “Stop being a pussy.”

“Go lay down, Kristie!” I called to her.

“Shut the fuck up,” she called back, and I looked back toward the television. I didn’t look to my left, as I gained someone to watch television with. I already knew it was Jorel. I had nothing to say to him.

“What the fuck is up with Zacky?” He questioned, breaking the silence a good five minutes after he had sat down here next to me.

“Don’t want to talk about it,” I answered, not removing my eyes from the cartoons that were still on the television. I just wanted him to go and leave me to my peace.

“Okay.” I felt him stand up by the way the couch moved, and he got in front of me, immediately bending over to look me in the eyes. I closed mine, as his head inched closer to mine. Our lips met, and he eased his knees onto the couch, on either side of me, deepening the kiss. His tongue met mine in a fury, and his hands wandered my body. His fingers pulled at my belt, unclenching it from around my waist.

He broke our kiss and pulled my shirt over my head as quickly as he possibly could, and I found myself doing the same thing to him. His bare chest met mine once more, and he pushed me back deeper into the couch. His lips were on my neck, and his hands were pulling at my bra. We maneuvered around so my back was against the cushions of the couch. His hands met my breasts, his hips met my hips, and his mouth met my neck.

“Whoa, no! Get in your bunk!” Jorel pulled away from me, and looked down toward the door. I did the same thing, sliding my arms over my exposed breasts, and saw Jordon standing there, shaking his head at us. “Go!” Jorel placed a shirt against my chest, quickly pushing himself off of me. I picked myself up, holding the shirt against my chest. Jorel pushed Jordon out of the lounge, and closed the door behind him, locking it.

“Fuck him,” he muttered, and turned back toward me. He was on me once more, and in no time I was screaming in pleasure.