Skipping a Beat

I could not spend my entire day wondering if or if-not Reese had decided to break up with the honey-haired beauty, or if when he had walked her home he decided she was beautiful and uncomplicated and he wanted her more than he ever wanted me. The day was too long now, with too many hours before the sun set and too many hours before he would be late again and win our hearts with his song. Too many hours, so many that it hurt to think about. And the wondering, which came because of the hours, and a million different ways it could go tonight and every single one of them scared me.

On the morning shift that day, Marissa and Doug, who still loved each other enough to not admit it, were running rampant around the counter, shouting and screaming and I tried to let their energy immerse me so that I won’t think about it for the rest of the too many hours before he slumped in the door. And it was easy after a while, because there is something about energy that is contagious, like a sickness that you want to get, a good hurt, too many lights that are warm instead of harsh.

“Goddamnit Laura, pay attention,” Marissa snapped in my ear but flashed me a smile that told me she was secretly taking enjoyment in the fact all I could seem to do was flounder this morning.

“I am, calm your tits Marissa,” I shot back and attempted my own sly smile to which she laughed and pushed past me again.

The customer in front of me was a short woman with a rounded stomach and extremely large breasts. She smiled wide and had a kitten pin on the corner of her shirt and I wondered for a brief moment if this is what a normal mother was supposed to look like until she opened her mouth and ordered a coffee and three muffins and I scurried around trying to get it together and she made sure she got the three largest muffins which Doug tried not to laugh at and had to turn around and pretend he wasn’t shaking.

And the rush continued on like that and there was a hectic moment when we ran out of muffins and Doug had to whip some up and bring them out and we had to sell them at half price to the angry customers. And then a coffee machine mysteriously started giving out cold coffee we had to start making double on our other and when everyone had left and things began to get quiet Doug and Marissa both exhaled loudly at the same time. Which promptly started up their laughter again and I was in the middle of it all trying to take it and remember to breath. And then I remembered the day that Reese came here in the morning and left his guitar.

“I think this job is giving me gray hair,” Marissa sighed dramatically and Doug cracked a smile and let his gaze linger for too long and I wanted to laugh at the pair of them but I was too tired.

“I just can’t get that woman who ordered three muffins out of my head,” Doug said and then abruptly started laughing again just at the thought and they were so endearing that it was hard to remember that they were both older than me.

“You should’ve just asked her out if you can’t stop thinking about her,” I put in because they were so easy to talk to and laugh around and want to be friends with.

Marissa found this hilarious and started whooping with laughter and Doug looked both embarrassed and amused. If not slightly impressed because it was hard to gather a joke from inside me, where most things were black and scary and not at all funny.

“Listen Laura,” Marissa said and let her big brown eyes fall on me, “I know you’re going to say no but I’m going to ask you anyway, you want to come out with us today?”

And I was looking at her and Doug, who was smiling still after the joke and the pair of them were so exuberantly happy that it made everyone want to be happy. And they were so nice and kind, but I wanted to just go home and sit and think about Reese and worry myself sick over him. And I wanted to just drown in worry and fear like I did every day. But the sickness they had was catching on me, and it made my insides warmer and it made things brighter and it made the day funnier. And they were so in love that it was sick and a little scary.

And then the thought of me worrying about Reese for the too many hours started to hit my gut and I wanted to cry. I was stupid for letting myself get this way, and without the walls I was a mess of a girl and nothing made sense and they were so happy and distracting that when I opened my mouth instead of announcing my rehearsed “No,” I said instead, “Yeah sure.”

And then Doug was so surprised that his eyes got wide and his jaw dropped and the grin on Marissa’s mouth spread so wide I thought it might split her jaw in half and I wondered if my going with them was in any way harmful to their health.

“Seriously?” Marissa squealed and Doug was still frozen in his state of shock.

“Why not?” I shrugged and smiled and Marissa whooped again and threw her arms around my neck and dragged me close to give me a hug and Doug seemed to come back to life and was laughing at the sight of us, with my hands stuck to my side and Marissa rocking back and forth with me in her arms.

“Finally! I was waiting for the day you’d realize that Doug and I are the most bad-ass mother fuckers you are ever going to meet,” she said and pulled away and continued to hold onto my shoulders.

“Well I guess today is that day,” I grinned at her because the happy was so easy to get sucked into, and it felt so good, like you could just let go of all the bad things that had ever happened and just live in the happy.

“Fuck yeah today is that day!” Marissa crowed and turned suddenly and sharply on Doug. “That means today we’re going to have to do some pretty epic shit if we want her to continue thinking we’re amazing.”

“Today we were going to go back to your place eat Chinese and watch The Lord of the Rings with commentary,” Doug pointed out and Marissa looked like she wanted to slap him.

“Well we can’t do that now, Laura needs to be shown a good time,” Marissa said and smiled wickedly at me. “I know this great little bar that’s open all the time around here it’s called Camelot nd there are some pretty amazing people there,” she said and I felt the dread build up in my stomach.

“No,” I said sharply and pulled away with wide eyes, “I know that place,” I said, and tried quickly to recover. “But I don’t really like it that much.”

“Why not?” Doug asked, and his brown crinkled up in confusion. “It’s pretty great.”

“It’s just that I go there sometimes with this person,” I said, tripping over my words. I couldn’t go to Camelot without Reese, who was perfect and unnatural and too large for life and it would be strange to go there without him and see the people I see with him and it would ruin the whole illusion of Camelot forever which made me want to throw up.

“Oh, I gotcha,” Marissa said and winked at me, “Bad memories.”

I stared at her blankly for a moment and not able to tell her how wrong she was. Not bad memories, good memories. Unnatural, beautiful, Godly memories. But I couldn’t tell her that, I couldn’t explain Reese Munn of his world with words. “Yeah,” I breathed.

“Well there is always Lord of the Rings,” Doug said eagerly.

“Doug, for the last time; we’re not going to take Laura to watch a movie that only you like. We could take her to that restaurant with the spicy food that has really good bread,” she said and snapped her fingers while she tried to remember it.

“Cracker,” Doug said and sighed, “It’s called Cracker and their wait staff is terrible.”

“I don’t care about the waiters, they have good food. Jason used to take me there all the time when we first started dating,” she said and huffed which made Doug go bright red and dart his face to the ground I wonder if it hurt him like Reese’s girls hurt me and I wanted to reach out and touch his arm and tell him that I knew everything he is feeling and that it sucks but it’s just life and life is a bitch.

“Fine, we’ll take her to Cracker but she’s paying the tip,” Doug grumbled, but looked at me and grinned to let me know that I hadn’t really ruined his whole day.

“Fantastic, but it won’t have to be that much, because like Doug said, the waiters suck monkey balls,” she said and laughed high and musical before darting into the backroom and throwing our coats to us. She darted out of the front door without bothering to change the sign so Doug and I stayed behind to close up until the next shift arrived and we were off into the city.

The thing about the city in the daytime is that it is still beautiful and loud. But in the daylight there is no magic around the streets, there is no thrill in wandering around without anywhere to go, because in the daylight everyone is always headed to somewhere with a mission. There was nothing of the wanderlust that enticed New York at night. And the streets glittered in the sun and people shuffled about and it was bright underneath the reflective buildings. But the blue sky was a sliver between them, and the sun felt far away and the clouds had no shapes. The only place to enjoy New York in the day time was Central Park, which was too crowded and too far away. So it was not that the city during the day was ugly, it was just that at night the city became something else entirely, something alive with a soul and thoughts and emotions that went to sleep during the day to give the commoners some time to enjoy the dead city that bent to their wills.

“So Laura, are you having fun yet?” Marissa asked when we were only two steps away from Luna’s and it made me laugh so hard that when I sucked in air I snorted a little bit which sent both Doug and Marissa off and made me blush but not feel embarrassed.

“See, we’re only two feet away and you’re already snorting from laughter,” Marissa cheered, threw her right fist in the air and it almost collided with Doug’s jaw.

“I don’t really get out much, there’s not much to compare to,” I shrugged and smirked at them.

“Then we’re setting the standard. A standard that is sure not to be broken,” Doug called, finally getting into the mood of the afternoon and walking fast along the crowded sidewalks. Marissa and I started to almost jog to catch up with his long strides and we were forming a sort of chain when Marissa grabbed my wrist and started to drag me forward with Doug’s momentum and they were both laughing and throwing their heads back and the light caught in their hair and eyes and illuminated them like there were something unreal, like a photograph or a scene from a movie that isn’t real because it’s so beautiful and perfect. And it was so strange because I was joining them, throwing my head back and laughing and letting the sun hit my face and we were all talking in clipped sentences and teasing and it felt like we were flying as Doug pulled us forward through the crowd.

And it was strange, to be this happy in broad daylight with people who were not by any standards Reese Munn. Strange and good, like opening the window and finding the sky is green and the grass is blue but it’s so beautiful that you don’t even care. But we were happy, and I guess that is all that counts. Happiness I’ve heard is what everyone lives for, those moments when you feel like you should be in a movie because you’re laughing so beautifully with your friends who are laughing beautifully and everything is wonderful. That is what it felt like that day, and it was so wonderful and fantastic that sometimes it feels like all a distant dream, something that happened to another person or something I only imagined.

But it happened to me. And I guess that is what people live for. The moments you can’t believe happened to you but did.

We finally slid up to Cracker, a short red brick building that had open windows and the smell of burgers and fries pouring out of it, there were people shuffling all around inside and a haze of cigarette smoke around the place. Doug dove right in and Marissa shot me a deadly sort of smile before following him and pulling me along by the wrist until I smacked into her back and sent her toppling into the hostess stand and Doug laughed so loud people around the bar started to look at us funny and I wanted to both leave and laugh with him. But when we were seated the pair of the quieted down so we could hear our thoughts over the din of the restaurant. And the food was cheap but smelt delicious and Doug didn’t get carded when he ordered a beer and Marissa took her hair down from her bun and shook it out so that she looked somewhat like a poodle.

“So Laura, what made you want to come with us today, of all days?” Doug asked, leaned forward on his elbows across the table with his mouth full of bread the waiter had just dropped off.

I shrugged, because I hadn’t really thought about it, or when I had I was thinking about Reese, who felt like a secret. And they were both staring at me, and it was hard to explain the feeling of happiness to them when they were so full of it and I could just smile because they made me want to smile. “I guess I was bored.”

“Sounds like a good enough reason to me!” Marissa cheered, and took a gulp of Doug’s beer and laughed even louder and I was wondering if it was healthy to be like this all the time.

“I think something is wrong with her,” I told Doug who smirked at me. “Did you drug her?” I asked and smiled, and I wondered if my eyes twinkled when I smiled or if I looked devious like Marissa always seemed to.

“I didn’t drug her,” Doug laughed and held up his hands in a surrender, “She’s usually pretty bad, but she’s excited you decided to come with us is all,” he said sincerely and it was so strange because they were being so kind and generous and so willing.

“Well yeah I’m excited Laura decided to come!” Marissa said and smiled at me and touched Doug on the arm in a way that made me uncomfortable. “I was starting to wonder if you ever saw the sun.”

I blushed a little and tried to grin back at her, “Well, it’s really hard for us introverts to go out in sunlight, it usually makes us burst into flames.”

“God you’re funny Laura, why are you so fucking funny?” Marissa said, and by now I realized she had chugged over half of Doug’s beer and he was looking at her with a worried and amused expression.

“Oh God, save room for lunch Marissa, I’m not carrying your ass out of here,” Doug shot at her and dragged his cup away from her grasp just in time for the waiter to swoop back and take our orders with only half of his attention and didn’t mutter a single word before swooping back into the crowd again.

“These waiters creep me out,” I said and pretended to shutter and Marissa and Doug grinned, and I saw his hand twitch under the table and Marissa’s twitched in response and I knew they were holding hands were I couldn’t see them and it was so sweet I wanted to cry.

When our food came it was too much later and it was too spicy but so good and they laughed the whole time and I listened to them. They paid for lunch and I left the world’s smallest tip before we darted out and back onto the streets where I was almost surprised to find it still light outside, like I had expected in the time we had been inside for the entire world to shift and plunge into darkness. But the lights were still up and the sun was just starting to set as Marissa and Doug walked away, not holding hands but close to it and I watched them through the crowd after they had made their departure.

I wandered home to find it empty and smelling sharply of a chemical that I did not wish to name. And I only had time to change out of my stained top from that morning and into a fresh long sleeved one before it was time to go to Luna’s and my stomach started to act up again as I got caught up in thinking about Reese. It was so easy to get sucked into his world and his vortex, it was so easy to fall into his trap that you almost didn’t notice it was happening. And then he was all you could think about, his face and his songs and his arms and eyes. He became the sun you revolved around and it was hard to love him when you realized you were in a trap, but it was harder to not love him.

When I burst in the door of Luna’s Claire was behind the counter wearing an apron and her hair was mussed and her shirt was torn at the collar the slightest bit. I smiled at her and she pinched my butt before cackling and slipping into the back while throwing her apron at me so it hit me square in the face. And I was trying to tie it around my waist when Reese walked in, and he was on time for once and it was so startling I almost jumped.

But the girl was not with him. And this made my body weirdly calm and excited all at once. He didn’t meet my eyes though, because he was moving away through the crowd and to the stage where they were waiting for him. And it happened the same way it did every night, where everyone shushed and tried to hold onto the notes in the air like catching a kiss. Girls swooned and boys closed their eyes in appreciation and I wanted to pass out and wrap myself up in him. I wanted him, I wanted him, and I wanted him. There was no denying that when he was in front me with his head bent at a sharp angle and his toes tapping the floor and everything was moving apart but coming together anew. And the day with Marissa and Doug felt like it was a thousand miles away, and it was hard to remember that bright happiness when this dark, musty world pulled me under and enticed me like a dangerous drug.

And he did not meet my eyes that night which made me want to claw out my hair and jump over the counter up to him and make him look at me. But I washed coffee mugs and I cleaned machines and gave people what they wanted and Reese gave them what they wanted without trying, which made me both jealous and awe-struck.

When he finished playing the people shuffled out one by one and looked like they had just woken up from a thousand-year sleep. They whispered and winced at the lights of the city until eventually it was just Reese and I. He hadn’t even spoken to me yet but I felt like every nerve in my body was on fire, like he could see me all light up from the inside out. And I wanted to touch him and kiss him and feel him, I wanted to drag him close and feel the hard lines of his body against mine.

But he didn’t say anything, and I moved around him and he moved around me like we were dancing. And I thought I was going to lose my mind if he didn’t say something and I was too terrified to say anything first because there could be a million things wrong with what I want to say. Whatever he said first would be perfect and beautiful, and there would not be a flaw there, so I waited and waited and waited until finally I could wait no longer and Luna’s was cleaner than it had been in years and all the chairs were stacked at precise angles like some sort of painting.

Then I shuffled my feet and gathered my things. And he was stony silent but the silence was filled with so many words that I wanted to say and that I wanted him to say. There was all this sound in the quiet that hurt my ears like a drum pressing down on them. And then Reese opened his mouth and looked at me.

And he only said one word. And it was “Laura,” and before I knew what I was doing I had launched myself at him with all of my weight and he stumbled backwards and caught me around my waist and let me feel his body against mine and our lips met and it was like a beautiful symphony in my ears and my soul filled all the way up and spilled over the edges with all the excess.

It was so beautiful. It was too beautiful for the words we left unspoken.