Ezzy

Clicking away mindlessly on my phone, I had texted Jack about my date with Jessica, and Brad of course, around five times. I never realized how many times I had texted him senselessly. Jitters overwhelmed my entire body, giving a butter-fly effect. I had never been this nervous, or this high-strung.

With me, everything had to be perfect, and if it wasn't you might as well just disregard it. It was a tad overdone, maybe a little bit of OCD, but I think everyone has a little bit of it. I couldn't sit and relax in my bed until I knew things were final, things were finished, and that I had absolutely nothing to worry about. There wasn't such a thing as a 'day away from problems' if there was, I had never fully experienced it to the best of my little abilities. I was edgy and very careful, Jessica Allbin was the exact opposite. When I saw her at school, I idolized her look, the feelings that emitted off her, the cheerful smile she greeted everyone with. She wasn't angry, angsty, mad at the world for everything that it damned her with, but I was. I wanted to be like her, that pretty, carefree, happy person.

Mom came into my room unannounced and made me that much more jumpy. I saw her straightening the various nick-nacks on the pastel yellow bookshelf by the tall door with the flat, black frame. I tried to act preoccupied with something so we could avoid the little interaction we already had, and grabbed my silver iPod with a loss of a cover, and sifted through the many songs I had. My feet rubbed against the soft cotton leopard throw blanket tossed on my bed, my hands tracing the border work done on my Victorian styled night stand.

“Are you just going to ignore me?” my mom asked as she stood ignorantly in the doorway, still reorganizing my accessories that I would have to go back and fix once she exited my only safe place.

'That was kind of the plan,' I thought, but shook my head. I saw her move my miniature, blue piggy bank a ninety degree angle and licked my lips anxiously. “Why are you so tense?” she badgered. “You look like you need to blow off some steam or something.” Since when did she care what I needed? All she cared was if I was alive, so she wouldn't get jailed for abuse. She should have been a prime suspect anyway; I wouldn't care if she was.

“Maybe just a little,” I said rolling my eyes and folding both hands on my abdomen. She took a seat on the blanket I had wrapped my feet in. I had been in my perfect caccoon until she came and compressed it into meaningless dust in her devious clutches, forever making the soon-to-be butterfly and ugly, stupid caterpillar. “Just get out,” I begged, “I want to be alone.”

“Jack's parents are awfully worried about him,” she mentioned, not removing her ass from my bed.

“Oh well that sucks,” I groaned, not giving a shit about what his parents were feeling. I hoped his dad got the flu and vomited all that processed junk that congested him, making him so anal about everything. Maybe that was what was wrong with my mom, too.

My mom sighed and patted me what seemed to be sympathetically but very awkwardly on my cold little toes, missing their warmth that she robbed. “So you don't know why he's been acting so weird lately?” Jack's been acting weird? Oh, I haven't noticed. Maybe I'll just text him and ask him what's wrong, you little dip shit. I think I've tried that.

“No, Mom,” I said just wanting her to leave. I could feel my tone progress to impatience instead of the verge of annoyance. Impatience< Annoyance. When things got to their boiling point with me, it sucked. “Why was he over here the other night anyway? You hate it when friends take a spot.”

“What was I supposed to do? He showed up on my doorstep looking like something the cat dragged in. I wasn't just going to turn the poor boy out cold.” That didn't stop her from kicking me out. So Jack had came here. Of course he had, but he wouldn't come to me, he'd come to the bitch. He didn't want the little bitch, because all she'd do is bitch. And next time when I'd see him, that's all I'd ever do.

“And then he just left,” I said brusquely, waiting for her to finish.

“Yeah, I guess that's what happened.” And then Mom just left, just like Jack.

*

When it came down to it, I was damn nervous about hanging out with the Allbins. How could I dress to impress, when I was obviously so much less than they were? We had barely ever associated at school, Brad and I, and Jessica smiled and waved at me in the halls, sometimes lending me a pencil or three (even though I had plenty in my pencil pouch), but we had never been good friends. Acquaintances maybe, but never friends.

Brad was dressed in a light spectral colored button-up shirt with some washy jeans and a pair of black Converse, which reminded me of Jack. I merely glanced at Brad as he gave me a sweet smile and a wave of the hand when he saw me pull up in my old beater.

Jessica was the one who really captivated me. Her smile was bright and radiant, shining on for what seemed like miles, the lines from her grin accented her incredibly high cheekbones. Her bottom lip was a tad thin, but the top full and brimful. She had an attractive purple bow in her hair that matched the plain cotton cardigan which covered her short, floral dress mixed of pastel colors. Her eyes almost looked golden-blue like fresh water off the coast of a dreamlike island you only see in professionally taken magazine pictures. She walked gracefully over to me, sportively punching her brother as he made a cute remark to her.

“Hey,” I said, thinking I should have said hi instead. Hey sounded too familiar, too assertive. What was I thinking? 'Hey,' I sounded like an asshole thug. I might as well have just died then and there. I noticed my hands were shaking, trembling in the lunacy I was facing, looking at Jessica and Brad Allbin off school grounds.

“Hey,” Brad said, making me feel more comfortable about my choice of words.

“Hi,” Jessica added, making me disregard all that Brad had just said.

We ended up walking to the park, which made me get a sick feeling as we passed by all the spots Jack and I used to troll around on. We strolled past the deep hole in the ground a CAT had dug; Jack and I used to climb in it and pretend aliens were after us to synthesize our internal organs. We sauntered by the tall trees reeking of extreme height; Jack and I used to carve curse words in them when we thought we were fourth grade bad asses. And when we finally ambled up to the swings, I thought I felt tears well up in my eyes, but shook my head. Even when Jack wasn't here, he was here.

“So, Ez,” Brad said making conversation, “why don't I see you doing any sports?” Even if Brad was nice, that didn't mean he wasn't still a jock. He still had his image, what people branded him as. It didn't change my opinion about the kid, whether he liked sports or not, interests were only one part of a person.

“I'm not athletic,” I replied stupidly. Jessica was in nearly every sport the school had to offer, even wrestling, and powder-puff football. She was very much involved in the school.

Both of them took a nice seat on the thick black swings, and I stood idly by the pole as I watched them hover above the ground. Jack was acting like a dumb ass and laying on his stomach; Jessica moved her feet around in the chips, not moving but not bored. Why had I even bothered trying to become friends with the Allbins? No rephrase, why had they even bothered trying to become friends with me? I wasn't a friendly person, I was a bitch, and a lesbian one at that.

“You should do drama,” Jessica said happily as she twisted her hair around her index finger. “I bet you'd be really good at it.”

“Oh, I've never really thought about it...” I said, trying not to stomp on the fire of conversation. “But I'm sure I'd enjoy it.” I'm sure I wouldn't.

“Nah, she should do volleyball,” Brad said, “You don't have to be athletic in that.”

“Yeah you do!” Jessica objected. I could tell it pissed her off a little, but it didn't really show. Jessica was such a good volleyball player, she mentored the other students, and even organized a camp dedicated to the sport in sophomore year for the middle school. “It takes arm strength, balance, hand-eye coordination.”

“Well every sport takes hand-eye coordination,” Brad scoffed.

“Not soccer,” I mentioned, making Jessica giggle. I made her laugh. I got these warm tingly feelings inside my stomach.

“Whatever, two girls are just going to side with each other anyway,” he muttered. That's the way things should be, for me anyway.

*

“What were you doing with the Allbins?”

It was Jack. I never thought I'd hear from him again.

“Jack where are you?” I asked, hearing his voice made me want to cry. Although he sounded different face to face, this was the best it had been in the past week. He repeated himself, ignoring my comment about his disappearance. “What? Why does that matter, Jack, where have you been?”

“I've been at Roe's for a while.” I was going to slaughter her into hamburger meat. Why would she not tell me? Out of the three girls in our group, she went against girl code. But whenever I brought up girl code, she said I didn't count because I was more like a guy, even if I did wear a skirt.

“Why haven't you called me Jack Uden?” I lectured. “You can't just come to my house for a hotel one night, then leave a few hours later without warning! I was- Worried. I felt sad in a way I never had before.”

“Just because we're talking doesn't mean we're on good terms,” he said sounding dull.

“Why would we not be? I know damn well what your parents are putting you through. Your dad is abusing you physically, mine is doing it verbally. It doesn't mean we can't be friends-”

“So every time he thinks I'm gay, he beats the shit out of me? Yeah, that's really a solution! He says you're the problem, you're the reason why apparently I'm such a dike.” He had to stop saying it.

“What if you were? Why would it matter?” I said feeling a cold tear run down my cheek. I knew he wasn't trying to hurt me directly, but it definitely hurt my feelings to hear him be talking like this.

“Because then maybe he'd murder me, I don't know!” he said. “It doesn't matter to me what other people think, Ezzy, I think you know that. It just hurts to get kicked, punched and beaten up all the time, by the guy you used to idolize... It's retarded, I know, but yeah. We'll see each other a little bit at school and that's it.”

“You're breaking up with me?”

“I can't break up with a lesbian, Ezzy,” he sighed.

Jack and I had been best friends since the second grade.