The Sweetness of Summer Strawberries
you are my sunshine
Daddy wasn't a bad man, not to us at least.
We'd be in bed, dreaming of tigers and bugs and cotton candy when daddy would slip into the house late at night. Suddenly, we'd hear daddy yelling, and mama crying. Diego and Marisol would want to go and check on mama, but I'd tell them no, I'd tell them that I'd do that, and for them to go back to bed; mama was strong, and she could take care of herself, I just had to go make sure. They would listen to me, and I would tip toe across the floor to the living room-- that's where it always happened.
Where we lived in Texas, the summer nights were always cool, always calm and refreshing; like drinking a tall glass of ice water after you've been working beneath that unforgiving sun all day. But on nights like this, where mama would be breaking, and daddy would be unforgiving, it'd be so cold it'd send shivers up and down your spine like a roller coaster.
I'd look at my daddy, and I'd see him hit mama with his fist, with his feet, and with his words. I couldn't understand; how could daddy do this to my angel? He'd spit on her, call her names I'd never heard before, but words that would make the tip of my tongue tingle with disgust just the same. I'd run over to my mama, and cover her with my body.
"Baby, baby, get off of me. I'm alright honey, go back to bed." She'd try to pull me off of her, but I wouldn't let go. I'd hold onto her like the night holds onto the moon, because I knew if I did let go, daddy would start up again. I couldn't bear to see my mama cry.
"Baby, you have school tomorrow, you've got to let me go." Her hands would dig into my sides, trying to pull me off, and it burned so badly. But I wouldn't let go, I couldn't let go.
"Esperanza, get off your mother, now." My daddy's voice was like a double bass; it was rich and strong, and it felt like it sunk into my skin like sand.
"Daddy, stop it, please." My voice was trembling, but I'd try to make it sound as strong as I could. I couldn't turn around to face him, I couldn't look at him, because he wasn't the same daddy I knew. He was something dark, captured by shadows. His eyes gave me nightmares, sometimes.
I felt him standing tall, I heard the way he grunted when I wouldn't move-- out of frustration and hate, and I felt the vibrations of his heavy feet when he'd walk outside to take a smoke. He was finished with mama, and maybe tonight would be the last time. I'd wish for that every night, but sometimes, we don't get everything we wish for.
"Sunshine, you can't do this again, you hear? I don't want him to accidentally hurt you. You need to leave mama be when he gets this way, I'm a big girl. I can handle it myself, okay?" She'd stare at me with her big, dark eyes, rimmed with salt water. Her chin and the left side of her face would be covered with plum-colored markings, and right above her right eyebrow, there was a small trail of blood gliding down.
But even beneath all her scars, beneath all of her physical wounds, she was beautiful. I wanted to look just like her.
"Esperanza, do you hear me? I want you to promise me you won't ever do that again." All I could do was stare at her. Her hands, so soft like rose petals, would be cupping my cheeks, and her thumbs would be wiping away my tears. I wouldn't even realize I was crying until she did that.
I nodded, and my mama smiled. I'd wipe her tears away as she did mine, and I'd let her scoop me up into her wings, so full of warmth and love. She'd walk back to my room, and lay me down, looking into my eyes the whole time. I'd scoot over, and she'd snuggle in beside me. Her arms would wrap around me, bruised and all, and she'd hold me.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take, my sunshine, away."
She would sing me to sleep, and my tears would fade, and I'd dream of her, always smiling.
We'd be in bed, dreaming of tigers and bugs and cotton candy when daddy would slip into the house late at night. Suddenly, we'd hear daddy yelling, and mama crying. Diego and Marisol would want to go and check on mama, but I'd tell them no, I'd tell them that I'd do that, and for them to go back to bed; mama was strong, and she could take care of herself, I just had to go make sure. They would listen to me, and I would tip toe across the floor to the living room-- that's where it always happened.
Where we lived in Texas, the summer nights were always cool, always calm and refreshing; like drinking a tall glass of ice water after you've been working beneath that unforgiving sun all day. But on nights like this, where mama would be breaking, and daddy would be unforgiving, it'd be so cold it'd send shivers up and down your spine like a roller coaster.
I'd look at my daddy, and I'd see him hit mama with his fist, with his feet, and with his words. I couldn't understand; how could daddy do this to my angel? He'd spit on her, call her names I'd never heard before, but words that would make the tip of my tongue tingle with disgust just the same. I'd run over to my mama, and cover her with my body.
"Baby, baby, get off of me. I'm alright honey, go back to bed." She'd try to pull me off of her, but I wouldn't let go. I'd hold onto her like the night holds onto the moon, because I knew if I did let go, daddy would start up again. I couldn't bear to see my mama cry.
"Baby, you have school tomorrow, you've got to let me go." Her hands would dig into my sides, trying to pull me off, and it burned so badly. But I wouldn't let go, I couldn't let go.
"Esperanza, get off your mother, now." My daddy's voice was like a double bass; it was rich and strong, and it felt like it sunk into my skin like sand.
"Daddy, stop it, please." My voice was trembling, but I'd try to make it sound as strong as I could. I couldn't turn around to face him, I couldn't look at him, because he wasn't the same daddy I knew. He was something dark, captured by shadows. His eyes gave me nightmares, sometimes.
I felt him standing tall, I heard the way he grunted when I wouldn't move-- out of frustration and hate, and I felt the vibrations of his heavy feet when he'd walk outside to take a smoke. He was finished with mama, and maybe tonight would be the last time. I'd wish for that every night, but sometimes, we don't get everything we wish for.
"Sunshine, you can't do this again, you hear? I don't want him to accidentally hurt you. You need to leave mama be when he gets this way, I'm a big girl. I can handle it myself, okay?" She'd stare at me with her big, dark eyes, rimmed with salt water. Her chin and the left side of her face would be covered with plum-colored markings, and right above her right eyebrow, there was a small trail of blood gliding down.
But even beneath all her scars, beneath all of her physical wounds, she was beautiful. I wanted to look just like her.
"Esperanza, do you hear me? I want you to promise me you won't ever do that again." All I could do was stare at her. Her hands, so soft like rose petals, would be cupping my cheeks, and her thumbs would be wiping away my tears. I wouldn't even realize I was crying until she did that.
I nodded, and my mama smiled. I'd wipe her tears away as she did mine, and I'd let her scoop me up into her wings, so full of warmth and love. She'd walk back to my room, and lay me down, looking into my eyes the whole time. I'd scoot over, and she'd snuggle in beside me. Her arms would wrap around me, bruised and all, and she'd hold me.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take, my sunshine, away."
She would sing me to sleep, and my tears would fade, and I'd dream of her, always smiling.