Degausser

“You can cry and close your mind, 
be empty and turn your back.
or you can do what he'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love, and go on.”

Six hands clasped into one another as four heads bowed down beneath the beautiful California sun. On any other day like this, the four would’ve been hanging out by the pool or gathered in the park, smiling and laughing at each other’s mannerisms as they always did, but this day was different. No words pushed past their lips, and they remained silent as the minister said a few words commemorating Carlos’s two decades of life.

Kendall stood at one end, his green eyes lost in all of the reds, greens, and whites of the floral arrangements that adorned the hulking mass of wood in the center of the circle. One hand held his black fedora firmly against his chest while the other was gripped in James’s, and as immature as the gesture looked to the outside world, Kendall found comfort in James’s desperate, clammy palm. There was something reassuring about the fact that he wasn’t alone in this, that both James and Logan, even Kandi, felt that same feeling of remorse and loss. It was like when Carlos was taken from them, so was a little piece of each of them, and they were standing there, desperate for something to fill that void while knowing nothing would satiate it.

James was in the middle, one hand in Kendall’s while the other grasped Logan’s. His lips parted slightly, as if he was a fish out of water, gasping for air, choking on all of the emptiness around him. The stiff black suit seemed to squeeze what little life he had left out of him, leaving him this hollow vessel of bronzed skin and hazel eyes.

A blown-up photo of Carlos was placed on a stand off to the side of the gathering, the brilliant grin spread across the deceased boy’s lips a stark contrast to the last memory James had of him. James wanted that smiling, happy Carlos back again more than he’d ever wanted anything else in his life. He just wanted one more late night Taco Bell run or one more spontaneous game of basketball in the park, but there was a somber finality in the minister’s words, and James knew he would never get those moments back. This was truly the end; Carlos wasn’t here with them anymore. James could only hope that he was in a better place, that there was something out there just for him, a cornucopia of his favorite corn dogs and an endless reel of daredevil stunts gone awry. A faint smile formed across James’s lips at the thought while a trail of saline rolled down his cheekbone.

There was nothing behind Logan’s chocolate eyes, the black hole was pulling away at his insides, and no emotions showed through. No tears, no slight chuckle at some of the funny Carlos memories, no wistful smile. Nothing. Though he could feel the pressure of James’s grip against his hand, the other boy felt as if he were a million light-years away. A breath rattled in his shaky lungs, and he bit his lower lip as he watched Carlos’s father step up to the makeshift podium, the lush greenery of the park’s foliage casting a slight mint glow against his caramel skin. There was that familiar shimmer in his aged brown eyes that caused Logan to lower his head and immediately tune out the police officer’s words.

He couldn’t stand to hear anything else about Carlos; each story brought back a flood of painful memories that he couldn’t shake.

Logan could feel Kandi tugging at his fingers as she leaned her head back into his chest. His arm was slung over her shoulder, and he could feel the girl gradually sinking into him. Wisps of chestnut curls breezed against his cheek, but he couldn’t pick up the familiar scent of her coconut shampoo. Apparently he couldn’t feel or sense anything anymore, just the numbing sensation of pain sparking throughout his lean body.

It was so utterly depressing. Even though everyone tried to focus more on celebrating Carlos’s life than his passing, there was still that gut wrenching, life-sucking somberness in the air. There was still the ugly truth that Carlos was gone, that something awful had happened to him, though no one was completely sure what.

Logan was determined to find answers, even if it killed him, even if it took everything he had in him.

He straightened his spine, stiffening his posture as the other three caved more and more into themselves. Logan was the oldest, he had to stay strong, had to set an example for the others, even though he knew it’d be incredibly hard to be convincing.

A long sigh forced its way past his lips, and his hold tightened around his fiancée’s shoulders.

The preacher said a few final words about the glory of heaven before the crowd began to disperse.

Logan couldn’t make himself believe in a God that would yank his best friend away from him.

James could only hope that there was something more out there, for both Carlos’s and his own sake.

Kendall just felt like the world was pushing against him, slamming him up against a wall of concrete like a fox caught in a snare. The urge to escape was overwhelming, and he found himself weaving through the crowd just to get away from the scene, leaving James, Logan, and Kandi left standing in his wake.

“So you’re still coming over for dinner tonight, right?” Logan asked as the three stood under a looming oak tree in their Sunday’s best.

James nodded half-heartedly, unsure if he would come through on his commitment. Honestly, he wasn’t feeling like himself lately, and he just needed some space and some time alone to think things out.

He raked a hand through his hair as he walked off, further into the park. He could only hope that time would heal the wounds carved through his heart.

Little did they know, this was only just the beginning…