Degausser

"As memory may be a paradise from which we cannot be driven, it may also be a hell from which we cannot escape."

The only sound heard from the small kitchen was the clink of silverware against ceramic plates as the four of them sat in silence, picking around the pasta on their plates. The air around them was heavy, burdened with remorse and regret, and even the smallest gestures felt as if they sapped all of the strength from their muscles.

“So…what do you boys think of the dinner?” Kandi asked, her brown eyes carefully gauging each of the guys’ expressions, especially Logan’s.

As he heard her voice, his gaze drifted upwards to meet hers and a weak smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

“It’s delicious, honey.”

His voice tried to muster up what remaining spark of life that was in him, but it took too much effort. Though the food did look tasty, he couldn’t bring himself to eat a single bite. Logan was beginning to grow accustomed to the emptiness that was overtaking him, and though he knew food wouldn’t fill this void, he didn’t want to take the chance.

“It is good, K. Sorry, I’m just not that hungry right now,” James replied, letting his fork fall against the side of the plate.

“It’s okay, I understand,” she mumbled as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. All of her lame attempts at conversation had been in vain; the boys needed silence right now more than anything.

It was a little difficult for her to relate to them. Even though she’d been close to Carlos and his lost was a huge blow for her, she still felt like an outsider. She wasn’t one of the four boys, and though Logan could sense that that troubled her, he actually thought it wasn’t a bad thing. Because she wasn’t quite as devastated as the boys, she was able to keep things going, to remind him that there was still an entire world out there, that he still had his whole life ahead of him, even though he still felt guilty for living it.

Logan’s eyes meandered over to James, the same blank expression mirrored on the younger boy’s features as he stared at the saucy bowtie-shaped noodles. Though gravity seemed to tug at his features, giving him the facial equivalent of a slump, Logan swore he saw a glimmer of hope linger in his friend’s hazel eyes. It wasn’t much, but it was just enough to make him envious that at least a part of James had the capability of seeing past this.

It was odd that now this form of envy felt so foreign to him. In all honesty, Logan had spent the majority of his life in awe of James, of the way the boy never had to truly work to get what he wanted. His dreams were practically handed to him on a silver platter.

Girls flocked to his classically carefree good looks like flies to honey, and a part of Logan had longed to have that sort of power over the opposite sex. Even though he’d never admit it, he earned an unsettling sense of satisfaction from the fact that none of these girls seemed to mean anything to James. Each one was nothing more than an expendable good, so easily replaced. Like stryofoam cups or flimsy plastic water bottles: the James Diamond recycling program.

And it wasn’t just the girls; it went much deeper than that. While Logan had to struggle with his own indecisiveness, with rather he should take time away from the group in order to pursue his dream of becoming a surgeon, Kendall had practically uprooted them all so that James could live his dream of becoming a pop star. Though they’d all had some good times out in L.A. and the money was easy, Logan had trouble ignoring that nagging pull at the pit of his stomach.

This wasn’t his dream; it had never been his dream. He was just going through the motions of being happy, living a life that never truly felt like it was his.

But he wasn’t bitter, and he didn’t regret his choice to stay with his friends. Now that Carlos was gone, now that he was reminded how finite his time on Earth really was, Logan knew that he had to reclaim his life. He’d take Kandi, and they’d run away together like something out of some teary romantic movie. He’d try to enroll in college, get his bachelor’s degree, maybe go to medical school. Sure, he’d be a couple years behind, but he had no doubts that if he set his mind to it, it was just within his reach.

The tension between the three of them would make it so much easier to break free.

Kendall’s gaze slowly shifted around the room, undoubtedly lost in his own thoughts. It was so quiet, but the silence seemed to go unnoticed. For an instant, the blonde boy’s jade stare met Logan’s from across the table, and Kendall noticed a slight shift in his friend’s expression, a soft tug at the corner of his lips. His eyes evaded Kendall’s from a moment, lingering on his girlfriend’s empty hand as it rested on the tabletop.

Everyone had something tying them to this place but Kendall.

James had his career, the lifestyle he’d grown so accustomed to over the years. Kendall refused to rip that from him. James had enough talent to make it on his own; he didn’t need Kendall anymore.

And Logan had Kandi. They’d get married, buy a house in the suburbs, have kids, the things that people are expected to do. Logan would get his normal life. From the wreckage, he’d gather the remains of the picket-fenced fantasy he entertained in the very back of his mind for the past few years.

Kendall had nothing, and it took something as catastrophic as Carlos’s death for him to be able to realize that.

Though these walls housed some of his favorite memories, he couldn’t stand to be caged in them anymore. Each missing flake of paint, every hidden dent reminded him of his lost friend. It was already more than he could take, almost to the point that he couldn’t stand to spend another second in the apartment the boys had formerly shared together.

Even though they’d been there since they were all sixteen, Kendall had never really considered 2J to be his home. At the Palm Woods, everything was just too temporary. People drifted in and out with the seasons, passing on either into more elaborate Malibu mansions or heartbrokenly back to their homes, their dreams of superstardom crushed. And if he was honest with himself, Kendall felt awkward about being one of the older residents, aside from the parents.

Minnesota was calling him, his true home a cozy, cornflower blue, one-story house on the outskirts of town. He needed to feel the cold wind brush against his cheeks, to see the seasons change, the snowfall and the changing colors of the leaves.

So his mind distracted itself. Instead of trying to find ways to let Carlos’s spirit go, Kendall was plotting to escape.

Little did he know that the fair-skinned boy across the table was entertaining the same notion.