Degausser

"A principle is the expression of perfection, and as imperfect beings like us cannot practise perfection, we devise every moment limits of its compromise in practice."

Clothes seemed to drop effortlessly into the open suitcase on the living room floor. A red and gray plaid shirt, a black beanie, a pair of distressed jeans. The more Kendall packed, the more he realized how utterly subconscious this decision had been. It had been preying at the back of his mind for almost three years, and he’d only just noticed it. He needed an escape; he’d needed an escape for years.

Though he possessed an easygoing demeanor, it was anything but easy being the unspoken leader of his group of friends. He was the role model, the one each of the guys looked up to, and that pressure would’ve been enough to make any normal person crack. But Kendall pushed through because he’d never known anything else. He’d been this way practically his entire life, since that recess in first grade when some kid had made fun of James because his mother dressed him so meticulously. Being one of the bigger boys in the class, Kendall had rushed to James’s defense, his presence alone enough to intimidate the bully.

From then on, Kendall was the protector, and because he believed so strongly in his own sense of what was right and what was wrong, he found himself falling into similar situations throughout elementary school, bringing Carlos and Logan under his wing along with James.

Until they reached high school, it hadn’t bothered him, in fact, he enjoyed feeling like he had a purpose. But puberty hit James and Kendall like a brick, their bodies becoming more masculine almost overnight while the other two boys lagged behind. The newfound strength and energy helped Kendall to excel in sports, while James’s growth spurt had gained him attention from the girls in their class, fueling his already above-average ego. It was hard to deny the tension between the two friends, and for Kendall, it was difficult relinquishing some of his power, letting James be his own person when he’d taken up for him for so long.

And as James began to develop more into his own person, Kendall noticed something that he’d never realized before: that he wasn’t perfect. Though he knew he wasn’t as book-smart as Logan, that had never bothered him because he was intelligent enough to get by. With James though, well, James possessed a certain charisma that the blonde-headed teenager couldn’t wrap his mind around. He knew that, no matter how hard he tried, he could never be as naturally flirtatious as James. Talking to girls would never be second nature for him, and it wasn’t that in itself that bothered him, it was the shaky freefall back to earth.

He wasn’t the golden boy anymore.

Throughout the remainder of their high school years, Kendall became absolutely obsessed with the pursuit of perfection. Being the perfect son, the perfect brother, the perfect athlete, and the perfect friend became like a drug for him. With each accomplishment came a quick and sudden high, but as soon as he realized all the other things he had yet to strive for, he crashed.

Losing Carlos was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. No matter how many times Kendall pressed rewind in his thoughts, he knew that he couldn’t go back and save his friend. And it was gut wrenching for him to feel that helpless because he’d always come up with a solution for everything, but he couldn’t fix this.

Kendall couldn’t be their savior anymore.

Green eyes scanned the living room, desperate for anything to do to distract himself. He knew there was no way he’d be able to get the big things like the sofa and chairs moved out on his own, but he didn’t really care. Leaving them behind would be less reminders of his time there, and maybe that would somehow equate to less burden strewn across his broad shoulders.

By midnight, the majority of his possessions were packed, five suitcases stuffed into the bed of his white Ford pick-up truck. He was slumped over on his cream-colored couch, surveying the things he’d be leaving behind, trying to ignore the emptiness around him.

For the first time in days, Kendall felt hopeful.

--

Early the next morning, James found himself returning to that hallway, walking quickly past what had been and would always be in his mind Carlos’s apartment to Kendall’s. In Carlos’s absence, James was becoming more aware of his need for human contact. Over the years, Carlos had generally been the one to fill that void, but now, without Carlos, the bronze-skinned boy found himself desperate to latch on to Logan and Kendall. He felt so clingy that he would’ve gotten on his own nerves, but he didn’t know what else to do.

They were all at their breaking point, so it would be best if they weathered this out together, right?

As he stood on the other side of Kendall’s door, the golden apartment number catching the dim lights overhead, James felt like he should knock. They’d all been sort of on edge lately, the least he could do was respect Kendall’s privacy. But he didn’t, the urge to see his the face of a fellow sufferer was just too strong.

From the doorway, hazel eyes darted around the apartment. He knew that something was different, he just couldn’t put his finger on the shift. It came to him gradually as he eased into the almost-vacant apartment, slowly beginning to notice that most signs of life were gone. All of the small, lived-in touches of the apartment had disappeared overnight. The flat screen had vanished, along with the snacks that constantly lined the kitchen counter. Kendall’s keys weren’t neglected on the edge of the television stand as they usually were. Though the main landmarks of the apartment were still in place, all the little things were missing.

When he saw the yellow scrap of notebook paper hanging from the fridge, scribbled on in Kendall’s sloppy and slanted handwriting, that was when it all clicked.

What hurt James the most was that he’d left all the photographs behind: a picture of the four of them as kids, so innocent and so happy, the varsity team photo from hockey. Though James didn’t consider himself sentimental, he still couldn’t grasp how Kendall could leave all of these moments behind. He didn’t understand how Kendall could leave them behind.

At a time like this, to top it all off.

A hand reached out and ripped the note from the off the fridge, not even bothering to read it, just watching it drift in the air before eventually falling to the floor.