Four Years

Alex's POV

April13th, 2009 - Salt Air - Salt Lake City, UT.

I stood out on stage, facing the crowd. I was sweaty as fuck and my breathing was shallow. I loved it so much. Matt came out and set a stool behind me.

I nodded thanks and sat on the stool, bringing the mic closer to me. Danny came out and handed me my acoustic that Rae had given me. The only acoustic I'd ever use.

"Woo! Alex, I love you!" I heard a couple of girls scream from the front row.

"I love you, too," I chuckled and adjusted my mic a bit.

"So, uh, this next song's about someone very near and dear to my heart. She's my best friend, no matter what happens," I said softly, looking over at stage right. Rae was there, smiling widely. "I see you smiling, girl. Grab a mic and come out here. You're gonna sing what you wrote."

She looked startled. She quickly shook her head and started to back up when Jack stopped her. Her threw her over his shoulder and carried her out on stage. Fans cheered and went insane as Jack walked across the stage and set Rae down.

"Don't move," Jack commanded her. She just stood facing me, a mix of hate and horror on her face. She didn't really like crowds too much. Whoops!

Jack ran out with a stool and set it down right behind her. He shoved her down on the stool and handed her a mic. He kissed the side of her head before running off the stage.

"Hey, Rae," I laughed, glancing at her.

"Shut up and play," She mumbled, glaring at me.

I giggled and started playing.

"He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes, started making his way past 2 in the morning. He hasn't been sober for days. Leaning now into the breeze, remembering Sunday, he falls to his knees. They had breakfast together, but two eggs don't last like the feeling of what he needs," I sang with so much emotion. This was the first time on tour that I had actually played this for Rae. I kept looking at her. I never took my eyes off of her.

"Now this place seems familiar to him. She pulled on his hand with a devilish grin. She led him upstairs, she led him upstairs, left him dying to get in," I smiled at the last part, remembering that day. Rae just shook her head, hiding the growing smile on her face.

"Forgive me, I'm trying to find my calling, I'm calling at night. I don't mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl? She's been running through my dreams, and it's driving me crazy, it seems. I'm going to ask her to marry me," My smile faltered a bit. I could never ask her to marry me now. She was with Pete. She loved him and he loved her. They were a fucking match made in heaven. I noticed she looked down at her heel clad feet. I think she felt bad.

"Even though she doesn't believe in love, he's determined to call her bluff. Who could deny these butterflies? They're filling his gut. Waking the neighbors, unfamiliar faces. He pleads though he tries, but he's only denied. Now he's dying to get inside."

"Forgive me, I'm trying to find my calling, I'm calling at night. I don't mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl? She's been running through my dreams, and it's driving me crazy, it seems. I'm going to ask her to marry me," My voice cracked a bit singing the last line.

"The neighbors said she moved away, funny how it rained all day. I didn't think much of it then, but it's starting to all make sense. Oh, I can see now that all of these clouds are following me in my desperate endeavor to find my whoever, wherever she may be," I closed my eyes as I sang the last part. I couldn't bear to look at her. I couldn't see the look on her face as I spilled my heart out to her.

"I'm not coming back. I've done something so terrible. I'm terrified to speak, but you'd expect that from me. I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just washing you out of my hair, and out of my mind. Keeping an eye on the world, from so many thousands of feet off the ground, I'm over you now. I'm at home in the clouds, and towering over your head," She belted out the lyrics. Holy fucking shit. I knew she was a good singer, but I didn't know she was that good. I guess singing ran in her family.

I felt tears well up in my eyes as she sang. She was singing the words she wrote to me. She was singing her note to me...her goodbye note.

"Well I guess I'll go home now. I guess I'll go home now. I guess I'll go home now. I guess I'll go home..." We both finished together. Rae bowed her head as we finished, not wanting to look out at the crowd. The crowd erupted into cheering and applause the moment I looked back at it.

I smiled softly at Rae, then my gaze shifted back to the crowd. "My dear friend, Rachel, everyone!" I yelled, reaching out and lightly touching her shoulder. She smiled and leaned into me, resting her head on my shoulder.

She stood up, grabbed her stool, and left the stage, leaving me on my own once again. I sighed and stood up, heading back to stage left to give Danny my guitar.

I stared across the stage as Rae handed Matt her mic, then literally ran off. I hoped I didn't do something terrible.

*

Rachel's POV

I didn't realize how hard singing that would be. I thought it'd be pretty easy, considering I didn't have any feelings for Alex anymore. It wasn't any fucking easier. Alex still loved me. It was apparent in the way he looked at me as he sang, remembering Sunday and all the other times we had shared.

I couldn't handle it anymore. I got up, grabbed my stool, and left him there on stage. I was about to break down crying. I'd like to believe I didn't have feelings for Alex, but that would be false. I still had feelings for him. That song just brought back so much. Singing it just made me remember all of the good times we'd shared. I missed my best friend.

I handed my mic to Matt and dropped the stool, darting off toward the buses. No one would be on the buses at this point. Everyone would be getting ready to go on stage.

I burst through the venue doors and ran to my bus. I felt the tears well up in my eyes. My vision became blurry as I ran across the parking lot. Memories of Alex and I flooded my brain. I wanted to escape them. I was with Pete now. I was happy. Wasn't I? Yes. I was. I couldn't deny that.

But the more time I spent with Alex, the more I started caring for him again. The more I remembered why he was my best friend when I lived in Maryland.

I stormed onto the bus, barely hanging on. I felt weak. I felt disgusted with myself. How could I leave him like that? How could I be so heartless?

All of these memories scattered around my brain, like papers during a windstorm. My mind caught hold of one of the memories, bringing it to the front of my mind.

Alex and me laying in the field the night he asked me to prom. That's when my life changed forever. If he hadn't have asked me out, I don't think I would've ran. Then again, I might have. I always run from my problems. Fuck, I just ran from one!

I screamed loudly, kicking and punching things. The memories were literally tearing me apart. My brain couldn't handle this shit. I just wanted to take off my head and escape the memories. I just wanted my best friend back.

A knock on the bus door caused me to freeze. I stared at the door, knowing exactly who was on the other side of it.

"Rachel, open up. We need to talk."

Fuck. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to do anything but throw and break things.

I groaned and walked to the door, opening it up. Alex stepped onto the bus, smiling sadly at me.

I didn't want a relationship with him. I just wanted my best friend back.

"Can you sit down?" He asked softly.

I nodded and sat on the small leather couch. He took a seat next to me. For a moment, we were silent, just staring at each other.

"Rae, we can't…we can't keep doing this," He sighed, shattering the silence. "We can't keep getting close, then pulling away."

"I know, Alex. I just...I'm afraid," I said quietly. So quietly, I could barely hear it.

"Afraid of what, Rae? Us? Are you afraid of us?" He asked, pulling my face softly up to look at his. "Rae, you can't be afraid to get close."

"Alex, I'm afraid I'll end up falling for you again. Fuck, I already fell for Jack. I - I slept with him, Alex! I hate myself!" I broke down. I spilled my secret. How could I just spill it like that? How
did it just slip out like that?

"You - you what?"

"Alex, I got too close to him. I didn't put up walls. I thought I could control myself. I thought I wouldn't fucking fall for his...his fucking game. But I did. I wasn't careful. I - we...that's why I build walls around myself, Alex. I don't want to do anything I'll regret," I spilled my heart out to him. I felt tears forming in my eyes. Great. I quickly wiped them away before Alex could see.

He sat there quietly, staring at me. I looked down at my feet, so ashamed of myself.

"Rachel, I would never take advantage of you. You should know that. I respect your relationship with Pete. I'm trying to move on, I truly am. I don't want a relationship with you - well, I do, but I know it'll never happen. I just want my best friend back. The one that would spend her nights sitting on the hood of my car with me, just staring at the stars. The one that could kick my ass in video games. The one that was there for me when I had my heart broken. The one that was there when Daniel died. I want her back, not the one who snuck around with Jack behind my back. Not the one who ran away to Chicago. Not the one I dated," He said, his voice wavering as he brought up the memories. I could see tears welling up in his eyes. He blinked, causing them to spill over and roll down his cheeks. He wiped them away slowly.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered, still staring down at my feet. Tears dropped onto my jeans, darkening the already dark fabric. I silently wiped at the dark spots, just thinking.

Not the one I dated.

I changed when I started dating Alex. I became...a bitch. I don't know what the hell happened to me. I hated it.

"Hey, Rae, look at me," He said softly, tilting my face up to his. "While we can't change the past, we can work on our future. Let down your walls. Let me back in. I promise you, I will never, ever hurt you."

I nodded slowly, choking back the tears. He brought me into a tight hug. That's all we did for the next ten minutes - hug.

I pulled away from the hug, wiping the tears away, "God, Lex, can we just have one talk where we don't end up getting overly emotional and start crying?"

He laughed, "I hope so. Wanna go get some breakfast tomorrow morning?"

"Alright. We'll try to have a normal, not so emotional conversation," I giggled.

"Deal. See you tomorrow morning, Rae," He smiled, getting up and leaving the bus.

"Wait, Alex, can I bring Pete?" I called after him, fooling with the rings on my hands.

His smile faded a bit, "Sure, we can make it a tour breakfast. But I'm sitting next to you! I called it!"

I laughed and chucked a pillow at him, "Okay. Tour breakfast tomorrow morning. Text me."