Four Years

Rachel's POV

April 30th, 2009. Philadelphia, PA. 11:03PM.

Brendon and I sat out on the balcony of my room, drinking some Coronas. Pete had left the room an hour ago to go hang with Jack and Gabe and a bunch of other people. I called Brendon and he came right over. This was the first time in two days we had a chance to actually talk.

"So, Rach...can't avoid talking about it forever," Bren said, not even looking at me as he drank his Corona.

"Bren, I don't fucking know. I found Alex's lyric book. I read a song. I think I have feelings for him," I sighed, placing my head in my hands. I rubbed my face roughly. I honestly didn't want to talk about this, but I knew I had to. I looked up and saw him shaking his head, taking another drink.

"Rachel, you think you have feelings because you read a song he wrote about you?" He asked.

I looked straight ahead, taking a sip of my drink, then nodded.

"In case you haven't noticed - and I know you don't listen to them - but, all of his songs are about you," Brendon said, turning to me, looking at me like I'm fucking stupid.

I returned the you-are-stupid-as-fuck look, "You think I don't know that? Each song has me sprinkled in it. It's so stupid. But this song, Bren...this song was definitely about me. Like, almost as bad as Remembering Sunday."

"Damn, that bad, huh?" He asked, raising his eyebrows a bit, kinda shocked. "Do you remember some of the lyrics?"

"Um, there was something about...I don't know, he used like, clever word play, like, 'I've played a fool four, three, too many times', and then there was something like...'Did you feel it when you broke into my head?. Uh, there was also something about 'up and leaving him cynical.' My life sucks," I sighed, taking a long drink of my Corona. I laid my head on Bren's shoulder, staring out over the large city.

"So, Alex has never gotten over you. Shocker, Rae. Real shocker," Brendon said sarcastically.

"I'm gonna punch you in the face if you keep this attitude up, you fucking jerk," I replied, sitting up.

He chuckled, "I'm sorry, but it's the truth. Rachel, you really shouldn't be shocked by this. Zack said that Remembering Sunday wasn't supposed to be played at all on this tour, then they found out you were here. So, Alex added it to the setlist. Alex loves seeing you everyday. He loves singing with you. He just fucking loves you."

"Don't say that!" I whined, slumping down in my chair. I punched him in the arm for that comment. Seriously. He needed to not say that.

"Lisa and Kara left four hours ago. You were supposed to talk to him as soon as they left. Go talk to him now. Tell him you're just...not interested. But, knowing you - "

"I changed my mind. I don't wanna fucking talk to him. I'm just gonna avoid him. And this topic. Let's go back in and cause shit with the rest of the guys," I said, getting up and grabbing my empty bottle. I slid open the door and went back in my room, Brendon quickly following after me.

"Hey, get back here," Brendon said, grabbing my arm and pulling me back.

"Get off of me," I growled, yanking my arm out of his grasp. "I said I don't wanna talk anymore."

"What is wrong with you? Why do you run away from everything that's bad in your life?" He yelled, getting in my face. "You're a fucking coward, Rachel!"

"Brendon, shut up!" I screamed. "I just want to go - "

"Be with Pete, I know! You run away from everything and run right into his arms! Rachel, you can't keep fucking doing that," He said softly, staring at me with his big brown eyes.

"Stop making me feel bad," I whined, stomping my foot like a five year old that didn't get what she wanted.

"Nope, I'm gonna keep making you feel bad. I'm gonna remind you every time I see you," He smirked.

"Well, fuck you, too," I said, leaving the room. I headed down to the main floor of the hotel, heading for the gym. Yes, they were messing around in a gym. I've seen Release The Bats too many times. I knew exactly what they were doing.

I entered the gym, sighing when I saw Jack going as fast as he could on the treadmill. He had a white towel wrapped around his neck like a cape. That and his boxers were all he had on. Alcohol and gyms were not a good mix.

"Rachel!" Jack screamed, falling off the treadmill. I gasped and stared at him as he laid on the floor. He got up after a minute, laughing. He ran over to me and tackled me in a hug. He was so fucking sweaty. This was disgusting.

"Rachel!" I heard another person scream before feeling someone slam into my back. Great. This was so fucking disgusting. I had two sweaty people wrapping me up. I think it was - He rubbed his scratchy little stubble on my neck as he nuzzled his face there. Yup. This was Alex.

I saw Brendon walk by us, smirking. He walked over to Pete and jumped on his back. I was envious.

"Let go of me. Now," I said flatly. I was in no mood to deal with them.

"You need another drink," Jack said as he let me go. "I'll be right back."

I watched as he left the gym. I knew exactly where he was going. He was gonna go down to the bar and bring me a drink. How sweet?

I was left with Alex. He still had a hold of me, his long arms wrapped around my waist from the back. Maybe Brendon was right. Maybe I should go talk to him. He was drunk, though. I could smell it radiating off of him.

About two hours after Lisa left, he started drinking. Everyone did.

"Alex, can you let go?" I said softly.

"No, because you smell so good," He mumbled, his warm breath on my neck sent a shiver down my spine.

I looked down and grabbed the collar of my shirt, lifting it up a bit so I could smell it. I smelled like a mix of Pete, Brendon, cigarettes and my perfume. I did smell kinda nice...

"I know I do, but my boyfriend is staring at you like you better let go or he'll kick you ass," I giggled, waving to Pete.

Alex sighed and slowly unwrapped his arms from my waist. "I'm sorry, Rachel," He slurred. Yeah, he was drunk off his ass.

"Lex, how many drinks did you have?" I asked, watching as he barely stood still. He looked like he was about to fall over.

"Um, I dunno. I lost count after the fifth one..." He giggled, shrugging. "I want another right now though. Come with me!"

Before I could protest, he had a hold of my arm and was dragging me down to the bar. My phone vibrated in my pocket. I slipped it out and read the text.

From: Bden
i thought you didn't want to talk to him?
April 30, 11:39 pm.

I rolled my eyes, stuffing the phone back in my pocket. I walked into the bar with Alex. Jack was holding two drinks in his hand and talking to some blonde, who giggling and twirling her hair around her finger.

Oh, wow. It was like eleventh grade all over again. Only, I wasn't jealous.

As Alex took a seat on the barstool, I replied to Brendon's text.

To: Bden
shut up. he's making me go get a drink with him.
April 30, 11:42 pm

Alex turned to me, taking a drink of whatever was in his glass. He set the glass down hard on the counter, then turned his face back towards the bar tender. He put his head in his hands and rubbed his face.

"Rachel...did you go through my stuff?" He asked, once again looking at me. "My-my suit-suitcas-suitcase was...it wasn't in the same spot I left it."

"Excuse me?" I said, furrowing my eyebrows together. I was going to do anything I could to make sure he didn't catch me. I did not want him knowing that I went through his things.

"I know I'm drunk, Rae," He said, matter-of-factly. "But I know you heard me. I know you understand me."

Fuck. Fuck. Motherfucking fuck. I folded my arms across my chest and glared at him, "I'm so surprised that you would think I would fucking do that."

"So, you're saying you didn't do it?" He asked, turning his entire body on the stool to face mine. "Who the fuck went through my things two days ago, then?"

"I have no fucking idea. Why do you think I did it?" I fired back at him, the lies bleeding right off my tongue. "I'm not like that, Alex. I'm not a nosy bitch."

"Why were you and Brendon upstairs?" The subject was changed. And so was his position on the stool. He turned his body back to face the bar. He drank his alcohol, not even bothering to look at me. "Why are you and Brendon...together all the time?"

I stared at him, this time genuinely confused as to why he was asking me that. "I-I...we had to talk," I muttered, taking a seat on the stool next to him. "Why do you need to know what Bren and I were doing?"

"Are you being a fucking whore and cheating on Pete? Are you being the same Rachel I dated?"

My heart stopped beating and it felt like he had shot me in the stomach. "Excuse me? What the fu - "

"You smell like Brendon. Pete doesn't deserve the Rachel I dated in junior year. He deserves better than that. I deserved better than that. You know, you broke into my head? You know, you haunt every fucking thought of mine? You know, you up and left me cynical, Rachel," He said through clenched teeth. The lyrics...

He got up and left the bar, also leaving me there too. I sat at the bar and tried figuring out why he said these things to me. Had Alex been meaning to say those words to me? Why now? It was probably the alcohol helping him. His little liquid confidence...

My mind finally kicked myself in the ass, making me get up and follow after him. I saw him get on the elevator and go up to his room. I groaned and ran up the stairs, hoping to catch him.

I got on to the fifth floor, almost out of breath, and saw him walking down the hall to his room. I chased after him, shoving my foot in his doorway right as he was about to close the door on me.

We stared each other down. He groaned, opening the door all the way. I sighed and walked in, shutting the door behind me. I took a seat on the bed, and he followed me. I looked straight at my hands.

"Alex...it's not like that. I was just talking to him, I fucking swear," I said, feeling a bit like I was about to cry. He accused me of cheating on Pete. With Brendon. He called me a whore.

"Talking about what, Rachel?" He asked softly.

"Why are we talking about this? What the hell brought this up, Alex? First it was the bag, now it's Brendon and I? What is your problem?" I exclaimed, seriously trying to wrap my head around him right now. I just didn't fucking understand.

"The problem is that I fucking love you, okay?" He yelled, getting up off the bed. He began pacing around the room, gripping little chunks of his hair tightly. I could see his knuckles turn a pale white against his dark brown hair. "I just fucking love you so much."

My jaw dropped. My heart stopped. My entire world stopped. What the fuck was going on!? Why was he yelling at me for sleeping with Brendon - which I never did? Why was he yelling at me that he loved me!? Did I love him back? I think I did. Why else would I care about the song he wrote? Why would he mess with my head like this?!

"Alex, what the literal fuck is going on!?" I shouted, getting up and stopping him from pacing any more. "Why are you asking about Brendon and I? Why are you telling me you love me? I don't fucking understand!"

He then did something that confused the fuck out of me even more. He leaned in and kissed me.