Four Years

I shoved Alex off of me, sending him straight to the bed. He stared at me from the bed with wide eyes.

"Alex...what the - what the fuck was that?! You accuse me of cheating with Brendon and tell me Pete deserves better, then you turn around and kiss me? What the fucking fuck?!" I screamed, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

"I'm...oh, fuck. What the hell did I just do?" Alex asked himself, sitting up. He put his head in his hands for the thousandth time tonight. "What the fuck...what the fuck is wrong with me?"

"Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you and Jack? You both are so fucking frustrating," I said harshly. "To think I had feelings for you."

"You...you what?" He asked, looking up at me. "Feelings?"

"That's what Brendon and I were talking about. That's why Brendon has been on this tour. It's so I can talk to him about things. Things like you," I spoke softly. "He's not here so I can sleep with him. That happened back in...2007? Yeah, when Pete and I broke up in April of that year, I stayed with Brendon in Las Vegas. We had a brief - why am I telling you this? We were talking about my feelings for you, not my history with Brendon."

"You and Brendon dated?" He mumbled, furrowing his eyebrows together and cocking his head to the side. "That explains why you two are so close."

"Ugh, Alex, you see what you did to me? My head is such a mess right now."

"Rachel, do you have feelings for me?" He sighed.

I looked at him, feeling tears bite at my eyes, "I...I don't know anymore. I read your lyric book, Alex. I know I lied and said I didn't. I did. And I read the untitled one."

"You did? I...I knew it."

"Lex...I'm sorry. My curiosity got the best of me - "

"Every thing written in that little notebook is about you. It's how I deal with you not being mine," He said softly, staring at a spot on the floor. "Jack drinks to forget you. I write to remember you."

I didn't know what to say. So I ran. I ran out of his room and down the hall. I ran down the stairs and down to the gym. I saw Brendon sitting down cross legged on the floor. He was drinking another Corona, watching as Pete placed a skateboard on a treadmill. Pete got on the skateboard, then turned on the treadmill.

I rolled my eyes at my dumb as a post boyfriend and walked over to Brendon, appearing calm on the outside. On the inside, I was a complete disaster.

"Hello, Rachel," Brendon smiled, patting his lap for me to sit down.

I groaned and grabbed his hand, pulling him up and out of the gym.

"Something happened. I can tell," He smirked, taking another drink of his beer.

I glared at him, smacking the bottle out of his hand, "You're fucking right something hap - "

"Why would you do that?!" He gasped, staring at his beer bottle on the floor. "You spilled the beer of the innocent!"

"Oh, dude, shut up. I've got bigger issues," I said, rolling my eyes.

"There is nothing bigger than you spilling my be - "

"Alex kissed me," I blurted out. My hand flew straight to my mouth after the words dripped off my tongue.

Brendon's expression quickly changed. I saw his jaw tense up. I looked down and noticed his fists clench tighter. "He did what?"

"He kissed me," I sighed, sliding down the wall to the floor. I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. "We went to the bar and he asked who went through his bags. Then he asked why we were upstairs. He accused me of cheating on Pete with you and called me a whore. He said Pete deserved better."

"Wait, he called you a whore and said Pete deserved better, then kissed you? What a fucking hypocritical faggot," Brendon said, staring off down the hallway towards the elevator. "I should just go up there and beat the shit out of him."

"Brendon, Brendon...stop, please," I pleaded, staring up at him. I grabbed his hand and pulled him down to sit with me on the floor. "He doesn't need to be...he doesn't have to get his ass kicked. He's drunk. He probably doesn't know what he's doing."

"Why are you defending him like this, Rae?" He whispered, petting my bangs back from my face. "He called you a whore. He kissed you. He's messing with your head. He needs someone to beat some sense into him."

"No, he doesn't. Brendon...I need to go find Pete," I said, shaking my head and getting up. I ran down the hallway, back into the gym.

As I ran in, Pete looked at me. His smile dropped right off his face. He jumped off the treadmill and handed the skateboard to Zack.

"Rachel, what's wrong?" Pete asked, concern lacing his face. "What happened?"

I just shook my head, beginning to cry. I was immediately wrapped in Pete's arms. I laid my head on his shoulder and just cried. In the middle of the hotel gym. While everyone was around.

"Do you want to go to the room?" He said so softly, it was barely audible.

I nodded against his shoulder. I looked up and the entire room had changed. It was quiet. No one was really moving. They were all staring. At me.

I looked down at the ground and grabbed Pete's hand, following him as he left the room. When we were out in the hallway, I looked back up and noticed Brendon leaning against the wall. His hands were stuffed in his pockets. He mouthed "I'm sorry" to me before walking back towards the gym.

The walk to the room was silent. Dead silent. Neither of us dared to say a word until we got into the room.

Pete shut the door softly after him while I went out to the balcony. I sat down in the chair and just thought quietly.

Alex loved me. He wrote songs to deal with that love. I thought I loved him, too. I just didn't know anymore.

What happened to that talk Alex and I had back in Salt Lake City? The talk where he said he didn't want a relationship with me? The talk where he said he respected my relationship with Pete? The talk where he said he was trying to move on? What the hell happened to it? Was it all empty promises and empty words?

Frustrated, I kicked the closest thing to me - a table. The bottles on the table fell off and shattered.

I heard the sliding glass door open and shut. Pete sat in the chair next me, staring up at the sky, "It's amazing, isn't it?"

"What?" I asked, looking over at him.

"The way the light from the city just washes the stars out of the sky. They're invisible. It's just like us, you know?" He said softly. "Like, celebrities just get washed out. They sell out, and then disappear. They turn invisible."

"Are you trying to make me feel better?" I said, staring up at the sky. "'Cause it's just making me even more upset."

"No, I'm just trying to get your mind off of whatever is bothering you," He replied, grabbing my hand. "If I were you, I'd like to hear about fleeting fame than whatever was upsetting me."

"That's because you're you, Pete," I smirked, glancing over at him. He turned and looked at me. He gave me a smile. "That's how you deal with it."

"I also write down my thoughts. If you don't let things out, it'll end up eating you alive."

"I'd rather not talk. I'd rather let it eat me away," I shrugged. "It's always how I've been, y'know? Like...when I moved to Maryland and met the guys...they didn't really listen to me if I had any problems. So, I just learned to bottle my problems up."

"That's not good for you," He mumbled.

"Yeah, I know. I was diagnosed with depression my sophomore year. I never told anyone...until now," I whispered, looking down at the ground. Pete was silent, which scared me. I slowly looked over at him.

He was staring at me, his mouth slightly open. After a few moments, he spoke, "You're depressed? Why...why didn't you tell me? Don't you have to take something?"

"...I wasn't depressed when I met you. Well, I was, but...I felt like...I felt like you pulled me out of that hole. I just didn't think it was important to tell you. I thought you'd think I was some sort of loser," I explained, breaking the eye contact we held. I stared at the ground, just avoiding his eyes. "I stopped taking my medication in eleventh grade. My parents thought I kept taking it. I would tell them I took it. The pills...the pills just sucked the life out of me."

"Why would you think that I would think you're a loser? Rachel, I was going through the same thing you were. At the same fucking time. I know that the pills just suck the life right out of you. I know that, Rae. Christ, I'm famous for being a mess," He ranted. His voice was soft. He wasn't yelling, but I could tell he was kinda mad at me.

Great, the one person I did not need mad at me, was mad. Fucking Alex, fucking with my head and my relationships with people.

"I'm sorry, Pete. I really, really am. It's just...my depression wasn't bad until..." I trailed off, not wanting to really tell him that the depression came back as soon as All Time Low did. Some days, it wasn't bad. But others, like today, I could just feel it coming back. I tried to keep myself busy and happy. That's why I was avoiding them for so long.

"Rachel, are you in there?" Pete said, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Wasn't bad until what?"

I shook my head and looked at him, "I-I...it...it wasn't bad until All Time Low came back in my life."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah," I nodded slowly. "I don't know, it-they just brought back so many memories."

"Well, now I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought them back into your life," He sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"Pete, it's fine. I can deal with it. I need to deal with. I can't go through life avoiding them," I said, offering a smile. It was a weak, half-hearted smile.

"Don't give me a fake smile, Rae," He smirked, seeing through me. "I know when you're real and when you're not. And I want a real smile out of you before I go to bed."

He got up and went back inside. Well then. My phone vibrated in my back pocket, startling the hell out of me. I pulled it out and read the text.

From: Pete <3
i was being serious i want a real smile no fakes
May 1, 12:28 am

I smirked and texted back.

To: Pete <3
what if i can't give you a real smile? what are you gonna do?
May 1, 12:29 am

I set my phone down on the arm of the chair and sighed, staring out over the city. My life was such a mess.

I just got done dealing with Jack, then Alex comes at me, telling me he loves me? Fucking ridiculous. I hated my life. Or, I just hated the All Time Low part of my life. I wish I could just cut them out of my life.

I picked my phone up and read the text from Pete.

From: Pete <3
ur not getting back into this room youll be sleeping out on that balcony have fun :)
May 1, 12:32 am

Fucking Pete. I groaned, turning around to see him sticking his tongue out at me from inside the nice, cozy hotel room. He then smiled and pointed to his face, then to mine, indicating I needed to give him a real smile.

I gave a sarcastic smile and flipped him off, turning back around. I decided to lurk Twitter on my phone. A few tweets caught my eye.

ShitJessSays: oh, uh, wow. when i find you, i'm gonna fucking KILL YOU.

GabrielSaporta: @ztnewetep chica, i'm here to talk if you ever need me, okay?

Aww, Gabe. I now wanted to give him a hug.

ShitJessSays: what the fuuuuuuuuck happened? why doesn't @ztnewetep talk to me about things anymore? bby girl i miss you. :(

petewentz: i dont know what happened but when i find out who did it, theyre dead.

JackAllTimeLow: Fucking iPhone, correcting shit to shirt. But I am too drunk for this shirt too. That's why I took it off.

JackAllTimeLow: Man, I'm too drunk for this shirt.

I laughed at that. Leave it to Jack to lighten the mood.

brendonuriesays: Someone needs to beat some sense into you.

AlexAllTimeLow: I messed up. If you're reading this - I'm so sorry. Please, talk to me.

So, it all came down to Alex's tweet. I didn't know what to do. I kinda wanted to talk to him, but then again, I wanted to stay clear of him.

I decided to let my feelings out on to Twitter. Like everyone else.

ztnewetep: I cannot handle what you throw at me. Why the fuck did you do this to me?

ztnewetep: @ShitJessSays I'm sorry, love. I'll tell you everything tomorrow?

And finally, on to Gabe -

ztnewetep: @GabrielSaporta Aww, Gabey, thank you. We will definitely be talking soon. I need Gabe advice.

I refreshed Twitter on my phone and saw Alex and Pete both tweeted. Pete was the latest.

petewentz: think i have a clue as to what happened tonight not gonna be pretty tomorrow

Oh, fuck. I quickly looked at Alex's tweet to see if he gave anything away.

AlexAllTimeLow: @ztnewetep I'm really so sorry for what I did. Can you please come talk to me? I won't hurt you again.

Well. That explains Pete's reaction. Fucking Alex. That's all I could think about. Stupid, fucking Alex. He really did mess up.

***

Alex's POV

I stared at my phone, waiting for a reply. I quickly refreshed my Twitter, scrolling through all the tweets to see if she or Pete had tweeted. I saw Pete's tweet about figuring out what happened, and to be honest, I was terrified. I saw what he did to Jack. He was probably gonna do worse to me.

I had new mentions, hundreds of them. Fans were asking me what was wrong, what happened, trying to cheer me up. None of them were her. I wanted her to reply to me.

I quickly refreshed again. Two mentions in my timeline. One was Lisa. Great.

LisaNoelRuocco: @AlexAllTimeLow What happened? Should I be concerned? :/

The other was Rachel. My heart stopped as I saw her name.

ztnewetep: @AlexAllTimeLow: I don't think so. I can't trust you. Neither can Pete.

Fan-fucking-tastic. I ruined things with me and Rae. I should've kept my fucking mouth shut. I should've bottled up my feelings, then let them spill out on to paper. I shouldn't have fallen in love with her.

I groaned and threw my phone at the wall. It bounced off the wall and hit the ground hard. I walked over and picked it up. The screen was shattered. Tonight was such a fantastic night for me. Really, it was.

I lost the any chance for a friendship with Rae, Pete Wentz and Brendon Urie both want to kick my ass, and I broke my phone. Could tonight get any better?

I think it could.

I dug through my things and found my laptop. I sat on the bed, waiting for it to turn on. I nervously fooled with the ring on my finger. It was the ring I had back in junior year. I started wearing it again once I saw Rae. I don't know why. It just made me miss her more.

I quickly logged on to Twitter and checked Rae's tweets. She had tweeted two times since I shattered my phone.

ztnewetep: Great, @petewentz locked me out on the balcony. I have to give him a real smile so he'll let me back in. Butthead.

Seriously? You fans are so crazy. I didn't do anything to Alex. Back the fuck off.

Oh, shit. The fans were attacking her. This was great. Absolutely great. I had to clean this mess up, and the mess I made with her.

AlexAllTimeLow: Yo', what the hell? Rae didn't do shit. Stop attacking her. I did something bad. Yell at me instead.

I sighed and rubbed my face roughly. I hated this so much. Everyone on tour was going to turn against me. I already had Brendon, Jess, and Pete against me. When everyone else found out, they'd all hate me, too. I kinda hated me too.

I grabbed my iPod off the table next to the bed. I put the little earbuds in and hit shuffle. One Day, Robots Will Cry came on first. This song would fucking come on first. It's like my iPod wanted me upset as well.

I was alone. I had Twitter. I was going to tweet.

AlexAllTimeLow: One Day, Robots Will Cry would come on shuffle during a time like this. Fuck you, too, iPod. Fuck you, too.

However, this song describes my situation perfectly.

Come over. I'm dying not to hurt you.

Refresh. Nothing interesting. Refresh. Nothing interesting. I clicked on my replies. A ton of fans asked what was wrong. They weren't gonna find out. I refreshed my replies again, to see what anyone had to say. Rachel replied to me. I hesitated to read it, but did nonetheless.

ztnewetep: @AlexAllTimeLow Thank you, Alex. Did you get my text?

I quickly hit the reply button, then typed as fast as I could.

AlexAllTimeLow: @ztnewetep: I did not, due to the fact I threw my phone at a wall and it broke. Just DM me.

I anxiously waited for her to DM me. The little notice popped from a 19, to a 20. It was her. My eyes quickly scanned over the message.

ztnewetep: What is there to talk about? I think we both said enough. I also think it's best if you stay away.

That broke my heart. I shut my laptop and turned off my iPod. I got off the bed and headed back downstairs. I needed to drink until I forgot about her. No more writing to remember. It was all gonna now be drinking to forget.