‹ Prequel: My Saving Grace
Status: INDEFINITE HIATUS

Four Years

39.

Rachel's POV

I hated flying. It was gonna be worse since Brendon wouldn't let me bring my fucking whiskey on the plane. He said they wouldn't let me, anyways. So fucking what? I could have gotten drunk on the way to O'Hare. I could have forgotten him.

But, no, I left it in front of Cobra's room, hoping they'd enjoy it as much as I did. God, I fucking hoped they did.

I was currently seated next to Brendon, staring out the window and watching the fluffy clouds as we drifted by them. I had my earbuds in. I didn't feel like actually dealing with anyone. I was upset and mad at myself for what happened. And mad at Brendon for not allowing me my whiskey.

My depression was back. Full force. I hadn't been this depressed since I lost Josh. When I found out Pete cheated on me...

Now he knew how I felt. Now I knew how he felt. That feeling in your stomach when the person you love the most is telling you things you never want to hear. When they call you hurtful names and tell you they hate you. It's a horrible feeling. It makes you want to die.

That's all I wanted to do now. Die. Death would be lovely compared to this. Death would be so fucking lovely...

A small tap on my knee from Brendon ripped me away from my thoughts on death and what it must feel like to be clinging on, the air filling your lungs for the last time.

I took out one earbud and looked over at him, sighing a bit, "What, Brendon?"

"What're you listening to?" He asked, a small little smile gracing his lips. He was trying to make conversation. He'd been complaining of being bored ever since we got on the plane. His ADHD was definitely kicking in. Truthfully, it was annoying.

"Brand New," I replied, handing him an earbud so he could listen. Hopefully it would shut him up.

His small smile faded into a slight frown as he put the earbud in, "Really, Rae? The No Seatbelt Song? Are you trying to make your self even more depressed? Why not something like...Sic Transit Gloria?"

"What?" I asked, my eyebrows furrowing together. I saw nothing wrong with what I was listening to. "This song happens to calm me down. It makes me feel better. Plus, Jesse has a nice voice."

"That he does," He muttered, looking at his hands. His gaze shifted up to mine, "Oh, God, 'I shot the pilot'? Did you purposefully pick this song?"

"It's on shuffle," I mumbled, turning to face the window. I resumed watching the puffy clouds pass by. I wondered what a cloud felt like. I also wondered that if I died, would my spirit fly up here and be able to rest on a fluffy cloud? Would I be able to watch the world down below and watch all the bad things happen to it, while I sit on my fluffy cloud?

Or would I stay down there, rotting six feet under? Confined to nothing but my coffin.

"It's on repeat," He retorted. Fuck, he noticed.

"Fine, I'll change it," I sighed, going through my library. Maybe he'd like hearing himself. I changed it to Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off.

His head lolled to the side as he glared at me, "Fucking really?"

"I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck than any boy you'll ever meet," I mouthed, giggling like crazy.

"Change it now, Rae," He begged, reaching for my iPod. I quickly grabbed it and placed it in between my legs, daring him to go down there. He cocked his eyebrow up at me and smirked, "You really think I won't go down there?"

I mirrored his expression, knowing he wouldn't. He wouldn't! It was Brendon. He -

My eyebrows shot up my forehead as he reached in between my legs and grabbed the iPod. Wow. He actually did go down there.

"And you thought I wouldn't do it," He snorted, starting to go through my artists. I watched as he scrolled through, shaking his head as he went. He finally landed on something. I recognized the song immediately.

"You like A Day To Remember?" I asked, surprised at his choice.

"Course I do," He replied, shoving my iPod back in between my legs. "Homesick was a fucking fantastic album."

"Huh, you just never pegged me as someone who liked them," I admitted.

He was mouthing along, tapping his hands to the beat. He was in his own little world. I could go back to my thoughts and world now. Only, my thoughts consisted of Pete, Pete, and more Pete.

Chicago and Pete were miles behind me, but I couldn't stop thinking about him. I knew I needed to stop thinking about him because of all the harsh things he said to me. But, no matter what, he always floated to the front of my mind.

He was the fucking ghost that haunted me wherever I went.

I exhaled, my breath shaky as hell. I needed a cigarette and a drink.

***

Pete's POV

My eyes were glued on to the ceiling. They've been that way since eight-thirty this morning. I couldn't sleep that much last night. All I kept thinking about was Rae and Brendon...

How could they? Brendon assured me that nothing was going on. That he wasn't sleeping with her. And I believed him. How fucking stupid was I?

It made sense. Rachel left tour to be with Brendon. She came back with him. She spent all her fucking free time with him. They'd disappear backstage for hours on end. No one would see either one of them, until they popped back up together.

And I never wanted to know. I didn't want to know because I didn't want to get hurt. I had a feeling that it was happening, but I didn't want to know. I pushed it all to the back of my mind. Now it was impossible to shove back there.

She tried blaming this whole thing on Alex. It wasn't right. Alex had a girlfriend back in Maryland who he loved. He wouldn't do anything to hurt his girlfriend. She was a nice girl. They looked like they were in love.

I still couldn't believe Rae did that to me. I guess...once a whore, you're nothing more. That's all she was to me. A whore. A no good fucking whore. Who slept with one of my best friends. Christ, I got that little fucker signed to my label after he bugged me nonstop. And this is how he fucking repays me? Sleeping with my girlfriend?

I turned to the empty space beside me. She was supposed to be right there, laying next to me, sleeping peacefully. Instead, she was on a plane to California. With Brendon.

Good, fine, whatever. They can fuck and laugh and love without having to sneak around. They can be happy.

I groaned and rubbed my face roughly. The fucking rage inside of me was bubbling up, causing me to go insane. I needed to take it out on something, anything.

I got up and paced my room. Finally fucking frustrated enough, I slammed my fist into the wall, creating a hole. Well then. That sorta felt good.

"I fucking hate everything," I muttered to myself, brushing the drywall dust off of my knuckles. I walked over and laid back down on the bed, pasting my eyes to the ceiling again.

But...what if Rachel wasn't lying to me? What if her and Brendon were just...close? Best friends. What if Alex did sleep with her?

Why was I believing what some kid who dated her told me over my own fucking girlfriend? Well, I guess...ex-girlfriend now...

There was the picture. That was proof enough, right?

Then again, they were only hugging.

But the hug looked so intimate. Like they actually had feelings for each other.

God, I couldn't take this. It's like my mind was playing tug of war. She did, but she didn't. Every time it went to one side, the other side tugged back just as hard. It was fucking frustrating. I felt like I was losing my goddamn mind.

I reached over and dug through my nighstand drawer. I had pills in here somewhere. Fuck. There were absolutely none in there. Who'd been in here?

I groaned and swung my legs over the edge of the bed, then stood, making my way to my door, down the hall, and to the bathroom. No one was home. It was just me and Hemingway.

I didn't like being alone.

I went through the medicine cabinet, trying to find my fucking pills. I finally found them on the top shelf of the cabinet. I hurriedly unscrewed the cap and dumped three in the palm of my hand. I quickly popped them into my mouth, swallowing them dry. Fuck.

Today was gonna be a long fucking day.

*

Sixteenth time I tried calling her. Patrick watched me from across the table as I set my phone down, staring intently at it.

"Give her time. She'll come around. She always does," He noted, sipping some of his coffee. He had asked me to go out to a late breakfast with him. I said yes. As I said, I hated being alone.

My flicked up at him, "What if she doesn't? I just need to know the truth..."

"The truth is...man, you should really talk to Alex about it. He posted the picture. He told you. If anything happened, he would've seen it," He replied softly. "But...I don't know. I don't think Brendon did it."

"What do you mean?" I asked, staring at him, slightly confused.

"I think Alex lied to you. She said she slept with Alex. She owned up to that. She didn't say anything about Brendon," He said as he took another sip of his coffee. "Besides, Jess asked Brendon on the first day that he was here if anything was going on. He said he hasn't been attracted to her since they broke up in '07, or something like that."

"Really?" My eyebrows furrowed together, trying to wrap my head around this. I had no idea that Brendon no longer had any feelings for Rae. "With the way those two hung out and looked at each other and acted...it seemed like they still had feelings..."

I didn't fucking want this to happen. I wanted to remain blissfully unaware. So much for that.

"Yeah. Jess was just as suspicious as any of us. She flat out asked. She doesn't beat around the bush when it comes to shit like this," He noted, drinking more of his coffee. "If you want, I can get Jess to call her, then you could get on the phone with her?"

I thought about it for a minute. She didn't want to speak to me. That was clear as fucking glass. She ignored every call. Every single one. And it wasn't like she didn't have her phone on. It was on.

How did I know? It rang once or twice, then went straight to her voicemail. She ignored the call. She hit ignore and just flat out denied me.

"No...she'd just get mad. She got mad once when Alex and Jack did that. She ended up spilling cereal all over the floor," I remembered. God, I remembered that day perfectly. Her phone was ringing, so I threw it at her. She answered it and freaked out. Absolutely freaked out. "I should talk to Alex."

"That seems like the best thing to do. When you gonna do it?"

"I dunno, dude. I just, like...I want to talk to her. If it's true that Alex lied to me once, why wouldn't he for a second time. Fuck, I don't even know who to trust," I muttered, rubbing my face roughly with my hands.

"Trust your girlfr - "

"She's not my girlfriend anymore." I need a drink and more pills. And some sleep. And her. But, then again, not her. She...she cheated on me. It's not like it hadn't happened before. It had. She just had no idea I knew.

"...Yes, she is," Patrick said, staring at me like he couldn't process this. I could barely process this. But, I could process the fact that she was no longer mine.

"No, she isn't. Would she be on a plane to go back to California with Brendon if she still was?" I asked bitterly, glaring at one spot on the table. "No."

Patrick sighed, "I don't know what to tell you when you won't listen to anything."

"I need a fucking drink," I mumbled, getting out of the booth and heading straight for the door. There was a bar right down the street. I didn't give a fuck if it was only eleven in the goddamn morning. I was going and getting wasted.

The aching in my stomach and my head and just my fucking body was all due to her absence. I needed to be numb; void of any fucking feeling.

I needed to forget her.
♠ ♠ ♠
blah. i don't particularly like this chapter either. whateverz.

for those of you who said you'd be interested in the spinoff, i decided to do it. (this is my shamelessly whoring it out) - Kaleidoscope Eyes. please give it a chance? :D

also- josh franceschi from ymas got mad (i think) at me on twitter and oh my god it was hilarious yet heartbreaking because i love him and things got taken it out of context hahaha. :( i felt like sharing with you all! :D :|

you guys are too kind~ -
MusicKillsThePain - lol she's just a whore. :( lol no but srsly thank you. <3
gcchic7484 - aww, i loved jack too. :3 thank you. <3
AllTimePanic - ouch, isn't that a little harsh? :(
Darcey's loving life - awwwwww, thank you!!! <3
peaceREB - alex is being a prick because he loves her. if that makes sense. & brendon is the definition of a best friend, hahaha. thank you! <3
rivals are insane - thank you, dear. :D<3
girlygirl.m - don't cry! :(

mhmm. thoughts?

x.