Four Years

Alex's POV

May 16th, 2009. Milwaukee, WI.

The roar of the crowd was overwhelming. I wasn't ready to play. Hell, I hadn't been ready to play since I fucked Rae - literally and figuratively - Pete, and Brendon over. And that was a week ago.

Pete seemed like he had been handling it fine. He made sure he kept his mind busy. Actually, no. Everyone else made sure he kept his mind busy. I'm sure if it were up to him, he'd be sitting in darkened hotel rooms, writing and drinking. Like I had been doing.

No one cared about keeping my mind busy. Except my band. Although, they were doing a shitty job. I ended up alone most nights.

I guess it was my fault. I brought this all on myself. I needed to fix it, though. I needed to tell Pete I was sorry. That was the first step to getting out of the grave I dug.

I walked out on stage, instantly blinded by the lights. Fucking Evan. The lights were too bright right now.

My body went into automatic. I just played the songs, talked and fucked around with Jack. My heart wasn't in it like usual.

I ruined someone's life. Fuck, how could I be so selfish? I was a complete asshole. A complete fucking asshole.

I glanced at stage left and saw Pete standing there, a red plastic cup in his hand. He was watching us play. Shouldn't he have been getting ready?

He caught me staring. It looked like he rolled his eyes before he walked off with Gabe. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Pete Wentz hated me. And he had every reason to.

That's all my mind could think about as I played. I'm pretty sure I messed up a couple times, too. Dammit.

It was about the fourth song - halfway through our set - when my breath hitched in my throat and I felt my chest grow tighter. I felt nauseous. I couldn't breathe. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Panic attack. I was having a panic attack right here on stage. Holy shit.

I quickly walked off stage, leaving my bandmates utterly confused and not sure of what to do. I didn't care. I needed to get off that fucking stage. The lights were too heavy for me.

"Uh, Alex? Alex come back!" I heard Jack scream. Too bad.

I shoved my guitar into Danny's arms, then ran backstage. I ignored the protests coming from Matt as I ran. That fucker could yell all he wanted, but I could not go on like that.

I turned the corner and just dropped to my knees, breathing heavily. I couldn't even make it to the dressing room. Fuck, dude. This sucked so hard. I sat back against the wall and held my head in my shaking hands. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to calm myself down. I couldn't fucking believe this.

I hadn't had a panic attack on stage in like...years. Why the hell did this happen? Maybe I just needed to talk to Pete, get my mind clear.

I heard footsteps coming down the hallway. I swear to God, if it was Matt -

"Aren't you supposed to be on stage?" Pete asked, causing me to look up at him like a deer caught in the headlights. "What are you doing here?"

"I needed to talk to you, Pete. I - I...Fuck, it's been eating me up inside. I can't fucking go on like this," I said, my voice shaking in all the wrong places. I felt so weak as I tried to stand up. Pete actually had to help me.

"So, you just dropped what you were doing on stage and ran back here? You got five minutes to explain yourself," He said, pushing the door to the dressing room open. "Go. Clock's ticking."

"Oh, um...I'm so sorry, Pete," I began. Five minutes wasn't enough time. Fuck. I needed to explain so much. My shallow breathing wasn't helping any, either. "I'm...I know Rae told you she slept with me. And, fuck, she didn - the thought didn't cross her mind til I put it in there. She...I...I'm so sorry."

He looked up at me from his spot on the couch, his eyes heavy. He was upset. I made him upset. Shit. "So...Alex, what are you..."

"I'm saying I'm sorry. I fucked up your entire relationship. And I regret it so much. You and Rae...you were the perfect couple. The best. You guys made me jealous. I wanted a relationship like yours," I continued, speaking as fast as I could. I needed to go back out on stage and finish the set. But how could I go out there with such a heavy fucking conscience?

Pete nodded, telling me to go on. He was so...so silent. It kinda scared me.

"I, uh...I thought that if...if I had Rae, I'd have a relatio - God, thinking about it now, it all sounds so stupid. I don't know how I could be so dumb. What I'm trying to say is - I fucked up royally and I'm sorry. If there was anyway I could fix it, I would," I finished, running my hand through my hair. I was shaking so badly. My breathing was still shallow. And the room felt like it was spinning. Fuck. This wasn't what I needed at all.

This was just making things so much worse.

Pete was silent for a minute. His silence definitely scared me. His eyes flicked up from the floor to meet mine. "You're sorry? You think you can just say you're sorry and things will just get better?"

"I - "

"You know, Alex...you're lucky the tour is ending tomorrow, otherwise your ass would have been done. You would've been kicked off the tour so fucking fast. Only reason I didn't kick you off in Chicago was because I didn't know if Rae told me the truth about sleeping with you. Thought she was sleeping with Brendon. You know, you ruined him, too? He's getting so much negative press and attention because people think he caused her to cheat on me? It's fucked up, what you did, Alex. It's really, really fucked up," He ranted, his voice never went above a yell.

It surprised me, honestly. I expected him to be yelling and beating the shit out of me, like he did to Jack. Which is why I was pressed up against the door, ready to bolt if I needed to.

"I'm really sorry, Pete. You have no idea. I stay up all night thinking about how I fucked this whole thing up..."

"She ignores my calls, Alex. Do you know how that feels? The girl you're so madly in love with just denies every call you make, every flower you send her goes without a thank you...goes without a call to tell you that she loves you and she misses you. I know I messed up in calling her those things. But I would not have messed up if you hadn't said those things," He said, his tone now rising. He was getting mad. And I was getting scared.

"I do know, Pete. I tried calling her when she ran away. She ignored me. She hid from me, Pete. I was so fucking in love with her. And she just disappeared. Fell off the face of the fucking earth. Then reappeared, holding your hand, telling me how much she loved you," I said softly. I did know how he felt. He couldn't say I didn't.

We were both in love with the same girl. It wasn't a good thing. One of us had to give her up.

I was gonna give her up.

"Why didn't you get the hint? Why didn't you just stay the fuck away from her? She clearly doesn't love you anymore," He yelled, standing up. And now I was terrified. "Fuck, she never loved you. She told me. She told me that I was the first guy she's ever loved. She even told you that. And you still went after her!"

"I'm sorry!" I yelled back. "Okay, I'm sorry! I don't love her anymore!" Lies. I still loved her. But I wasn't going to anymore. I was gonna make sure I didn't. I was gonna move on.

"Go back on stage and don't talk to me again," He growled, pointing to the door.

And I did just that. I walked out the door and down the hall, back to the stage. I grabbed my guitar from Danny, ignoring Matt as he yelled at me for walking off like that, and told Danny to have a beer or seven waiting for me when I got off stage. He better have fucking listened to me.

Jack stopped his mindless ranting and talking with the crowd as soon as he saw me. "Um, hey, Alex."

"What the fuck's up, Milwaukee!? Sorry 'bout that. You fuckers miss me!?" I shouted, causing the crowd to roar. Alright, dude. I could do this. Two more songs... "Good. 'Cause if you didn't, I'd have to kill you."

Ignored the looks from my band and dove right into the next song. Fuck everything and everyone.