‹ Prequel: My Saving Grace
Status: INDEFINITE HIATUS

Four Years

41.

Alex's POV

"Jack, who the hell are you talking to?" I asked him as we sat in the front lounge. He was appointed official Alex-sitter of the night. So, while everyone was asleep, Jack was up with me, making sure I didn't do anything stupid.

After tonight's "stunt", according to Matt, someone needed to be with me at all times. Apparently, I was depressed. I had no idea.

His eyes met mine. I could tell by one look that he was texting Rae. Bastard. "I, uh...my mom?" He scrunched his eyebrows together. Yep, lying. Lying bastard.

"Tell her I say hi," I muttered, going back to my notebook. This sucked. My writing was on the decline. I couldn't write much. I felt like it was the end of junior year all over again. Only now, I had alcohol at my disposal and four years worth of love, hate, jealousy, and all those other wonderful emotions bubbling up inside me.

And I still couldn't write a damn thing.

I groaned and slammed my head down on to the table. Nothing was coming out right. I wanted to talk to Rae and tell her I was so sorry. I wanted to get out the song that I kept hearing in my head. I wanted to drink until I blacked out. I wanted make things right again. I wanted so much.

I wasn't getting any of it. I only wanted what I couldn't have.

"Jack?" I asked, looking up at him. "Can I talk to Rae?"

"You're...I'm not...My mom..."

"No, you're not your mom. Let me talk to her, please?" I begged. I was ready to get on my knees and cry and scream until he gave in. Yup, junior year all over again.

"You know what I meant, Alex," He rolled his eyes. "Seriously, dude? She doesn't want to talk to you."

"Fuck you, Jack. Please, let me talk to her. I need to tell her I'm sorry!" I pleaded, feeling tears well up in my eyes. Really? I was really gonna cry? Fuck. "You're my best friend, dude. Don't do this to me."

"You're really starting to scare me, Alex. You turn into a different person completely when Rae's around," He stated as he stared at me with his sad, stupid brown eyes. Asshole.

"Don't fucking do this to me!" I yelled, getting up and getting on my knees. I said I was prepared to do this. I grabbed his ankles and just started crying. My sad drunken state had led me to this. It was going to work. "Please, Jack."

"Dude, get up. You're gonna wake everyone else up," He said quickly, trying to shake me off of him. Wasn't gonna work, bro. I was gonna stay firmly planted. "You're acting really pathetic right now, Alex."

"Let me talk to her!" I yelled. I didn't care if I was gonna wake up the entire bus. They could fucking deal. I was drunk and desperate.

He sighed and handed me his phone, "I can't believe I'm doing this."

I let go of him and took his phone as I scrambled to sit on the couch next to him. I dialed her number. I remembered it by heart.

My heart raced as it rang. Then it stopped after the second ring as she answered, "Well, hello, Jackski. Why're you calling?"

"Rae..." I breathed out. Oh, God, I sounded creepy. Fuck. Regret number one.

"Alex? What the fuck? Why the fuck are you calling me? No, shut up Brendon. I said shut up, Bren! Look, dude, you made Bogart sad! Stop yelling!" She screamed, arguing with Brendon. Well. "Brendon! I'm going outside. Don't follow me!"

I sat there awkwardly, holding the phone to my ear. I glanced at Jack, who was now turning on the TV. He grabbed the remote and went to sit down at the table. He gave me a look before turning his attention back to the TV.

"Alex, what the fuck are you doing calling me?" She asked, sounding so irritated. Seriously regretted this right now.

"I...I'm sorry, Rae," I said softly. "I didn't mean for it to end up like this."

She was silent for a minute. Then she sighed, "Well, it did. And I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to be mad at you or what."

"You're not mad at me?"

"Well, I am. But...I'm upset, Alex. I'm really, really upset. All the damn time. And Brendon is fucking getting on my nerves. He tries to help, but he's so annoying. And I don't know why I'm telling you this," She ranted. Her voice cracked once. She might have been crying. I wanted to hug her. "I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone."

She was opening up to me. She had been drinking. Definitely. She wouldn't be telling me this if she hadn't been.

"Rae, I'm really, really sorry. I talked to Pete and he - "

"Please don't say his name around me," She said softly. "Actually, Alex, don't say anything to me. I'm done. I'm sorry."

"I..."

"Maybe in time, we can talk. But not now. Not when the wounds are still wide open. Still so fresh..." She whispered.

"Rae, c'mon. I'm really sorry. And Pete, he - have you gotten his flowers? His calls? Let him back in, please. For me." I was shaking. I couldn't believe what the hell I was doing. I was trying to get the girl I loved to death to take back her boyfriend.

I was making things right again. It's what I wanted.

If I truly loved her, I'd set her free. I'd let her go and try to move on. That was the hardest part of love.

"Alex, you just keep pouring salt into my fucking wounds. Stop it," She growled.

I made her mad. Huh. To push further or just give up and let her be stubborn? I sighed, accepting defeat, "Fine, you wanna be stubborn? Go ahead. Lose everyone who's ever loved you."

"Alex - "

I hung up and let out a shaky breath. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. Give her up. Move on. Don't look back. She didn't want you. She didn't want Pete. She was stubborn.

"So...how'd it go?" Jack asked as I tossed him his phone. He caught it and looked at it, frowning. "She's calling back."

"Forget it. Fuck her," I muttered, rolling my eyes. "I want to tear my fucking hair out. She's so fucking bipolar, dude. She rants to me, then she turns around and tells me she doesn't wanna talk. She tells me she wants to get close and be friends, then she tells me that I mean nothing to her. Fuck. What the hell am I supposed to do? I feel like such a fucking joke."

"This is good. Let it all out," He said, ignoring her call and handing me my notebook and pen. "Write and hate her and get the old Alex back, please. I miss joking around with you."

I smiled weakly at him as I took the book, "Oh, I definitely hate her."

"Fantastic. I'm going to bed," He laughed, getting up and stretching. He walked back to the bunk area, then stopped, turned around and gave me a look. "Don't tell Matt I went to bed before you. He'll kill me."

"Alright," I chuckled, waving him off. I got up and sat at the table, staring down at my notebook. Write and hate her. Hate her...

I lied when I told Jack I hated her. How could I ever hate her? I'd just pretend to so everyone would finally get off my damn back.

The more I thought, the more inspiration hit me. I had so many ideas floating around. Okay, I'd be up all night writing, but that was okay. Anything to help me.

I turned to a blank page in my beat up old notebook. I needed a new one to fit more songs into it. This one only had a few clean pages left.

I left it untitled and went straight to writing.

You are a handful of roses; thorns in a cheap bouquet. True, I'm a walking disaster. He They told you to stay away. Seems like I'm making a deal with the devil who's whispering softly to me, "Are you sure that she's the one?"

'Cause I feel like a bad joke. Walk the tight rope to hold on to you. Was it real or a love scene from a bad dream? I don't think I can forget about it.

You are a shining example of why I don't sleep at all. Too many sheep on the brain to make sense of a late night call. Talking in circles and chasing the tale of a love drunk distant memory. Am I sure that she's the one?

Just forget about it.


Wow. That just came out of...nowhere. It felt good to write that. I felt like I was getting her out of my mind, body, whatever. I was shedding her memory off of me and onto this paper.

There are some days when I really feel like this could work. Like - you and I are finally gonna get it right. Then there are days like today - you make me want to tear my fucking hair out.

I flipped to a new page, quickly scribbling down the words that just kept coming.

Paint yourself a picture - something perfectly obscure to hide away the messes behind your manicure. All of my obsessing to find the perfect words. Sick of second guessing. I didn't mean to make you hurt.

What do you say when your heart's not in it? What do you do when you just don't get it? Where do you go when you reach your limit? 'Cause all I know is you are my only one. You are my only one. That's all I know. You're all I know.

Break another mirror to keep away the stares of another guilty reflex. A reflection left in tears. All of my obsessing, tell me what was it worth? Guess I should have learned my lesson. I didn't mean to make you hurt.

Wake me up. I've been dreaming. I'm only good enough for me and no one else.


And she was back in. My mind and heart were totally at war with each other. My mind was screaming to forget her, but my heart was screaming that she was my only one. I didn't know which one to listen to.

I was just like her. I said one thing, then turned right around and said something completely different.

Fuck. I was going insane. Looks like I would be making a trip to California after the tour ended to see which one was right - my heart or my mind?
♠ ♠ ♠
i don't know. this doesn't make sense, i know that.

i've hit a serious brick wall with my writing. i sit down and tell myself that i'm gonna write something so fantastic it'll melt your faces off, then i sit there and just stare at a blank screen for hours. it really, really, really sucks. /endrant.

songs used-
Forget About It
My Only One.
c:

JSKFJLADF I CANNOT BELIEVE I ALMOST FORGOT. THERE WAS AN EARTHQUAKE WHERE I LIVE TODAY. I LIVE IN MD, CLOSE TO DC, AND OMG. I FREAKED OUT I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON. I THOUGHT A BOMB WENT OFF OR SOMETHING MY ENTIRE HOUSE WAS SHAKING AND MY DOG AND BIRD WERE GOING CRAZY D:
/caps.

srsly tho, it was freakay~ did any of you feel it?

OH. BTW. Alex really did have a panic attack during the Milwaukee date of BND. While he was calming himself down, the guys played Dammit - Matt sang - and some FOB song, idk, with some fan. My friend was listening on the phone (her friend called her for the entire concert) and she told me about it. The more you know~*~*

thanksies-
gcchic7484 - thanks c:
peaceREB - thank you. & that's alex for you~ haha.
rivals are insane - thanks! :D
girl at the rockshow - ahh, it's okay! haha, i love your comments, what are you talking about irritating me pssssssh~ i am going as ryan! i'm torn between AFYCSO!Ryan or P.O!Ryan. i have no idea which one to be. D: & ikr!? i even used Daniel in the prequel for this. i feel bad for alex though. like he had to address it because people kept asking and stuff. :/ this is long. ok. <3
Hell's.Angel - converted you to a team pete!? hell yes! haahahaha. :D i'll try to make things right. i promise~
YouCanBeMyLover - thank you! <3

blah. this is gonna be longer than the chapter. oh well.

thoughts?

x.