Four Years

Alex's POV

Last night of tour. And I was oddly upset. I was going to miss this tour. Even though the last few weeks had been complete and utter hell for me, I was gonna miss it. Weird.

I bought a plane ticket for LA when everyone was asleep this morning. I didn't sleep at all last night, but that's okay. I got about four potential songs out of my episode and I got to interact with the fans via Twitter. I think I made some of their days.

Good to know I could still make some people happy.

If only I could make myself happy. That seemed like such an impossible task. It couldn't be that hard, could it?

"Hey, Alex, c'mon, end of tour party," Jack poked his head in the back lounge, ripping me away from my thoughts. "You're not getting out of this one. You're coming and you're gonna be happy and we can show the world that Alex Gaskarth is not a lovesick douchebag."

I couldn't help but to smile at his words. But, I was a lovesick douchebag. I had no idea how we were going to show the world I wasn't, when I clearly was. I stood up and followed after him.

"So, Jack, how are we going to prove to the world that I am not what I am?" I asked as we walked across the parking lot of the hotel to the cab that would be taking us to the club.

"We're gonna get so drunk and - fuck, you have a girlfriend. You can't sleep with anyone when you have a girlfriend. So, that's out. Um, well, you could totally trash the hotel tonight, and...I don't know, dude. Just stop being so pouty and shit. It's gross," He said with such a straight face. Well, that was different. "Be happy."

"And that proves that I'm not a lovesick douchebag...how?"

He stopped and pinched the bridge of his nose as he looked down at the pavement. He shook his head slightly, "Alex. You're constantly moping around. You have been for the past week. Stop it. Being happy is good. Being happy is like a giant 'fuck you' to Rae. And Pete. And fucking everyone."

"You're not making sense, but okay," I replied, nodding my head. "Seriously, you make no sense."

"I know, but whatever. You get it, right?"

"I guess..." I shrugged, beginning to walk again to the cab. I heard him groan and follow after me. "I mean, I don't wanna seem like I'm glad I broke them up. A giant 'fuck you' is not a good idea."

"Whatever. Let's just go get drunk," He muttered, getting in the cab.

***

Pete's POV

I was on my fifth drink. Or was it my sixth? I had no clue. I just kept getting drink after drink. I felt good. So good. Gabe was next to me in the DJ booth. We could see the entire floor from up here. It was awesome.

My phone vibrated in my pocket. Startled, I set my drink down and pulled it out. It was a call. From...I had no idea. The number looked vaguely familiar. I was too drunk to even remember. Damn.

I pressed the phone against my ear, muttering, "Hello? Who is this?"

It was silent. I was ready to hang up on this fucker. It might've been a prank call, or a call from a fan who had discovered my number. It better not have been the latter.

"Pete, it's uh, Rae..." Her soft voice danced through my ear to my brain. Then it kicked me. Rae was calling me. Rae. Was. Calling. Me. "I - We - shit, I can call back later."

"No. No, no, no! Stay on the phone with me. I love your voice. It's fucking amazing. Hi," I rambled on, trying to make her stay on the phone with me. I missed her voice. It was so nice hearing her voice again. I hadn't heard it in days. "I miss you a lot. And I love you. Fuck, I really love you. I'm sorry."

"Pete - " She started, but I quickly cut her off. I needed to apologize so badly.

"Shh, no. Lemme speak. Actually, lemme get out of this fucking noise," I mumbled, leaving the booth and not telling Gabe where I was going. I had no idea where I was going. My legs ended up taking me to the bathroom. No one was in here. I shut the door and locked it, leaning against the door. "Shit, okay. I'm really, really, reallyyyyy sorry for what I did to you. Like, Alex told me, like...what happened and stuff and I'm so fucking sorry I believed his ass over yours. Did you get my flowers? I sent you roses like you like."

She was quiet. Shit. Fuck. Shit. She hated me. She didn't want my apology. She was calling to tell me she was packing up her things and moving back to Chicago. Or worse, Maryland.

"Yeah, Pete, I got your flowers," She finally spoke softly. I let out a shaky breath of relief.

"Okay, good. What do you think of them? Are they pretty enough? Or do you want something else? Fuck, I'll get you whatever the fuck you want. You want a car? I'll buy you a car. Just, please, let me back in, please," I begged, sliding down the door. I sat on the nasty bathroom floor and brought my knees to my chest. I rested my elbows on my knees and held my face with my free hand. I felt like crying.

"You called me really horrible things, Pete. And you didn't believe me over Alex..." She said. Her words cut deep. I felt a bullet go straight through my heart. Shit.

"...I'm...I'm so sorry, Rae!" I said, my voice trembling. I missed her. I loved her. I was willing to do anything to get her back. Even sit in the disgusting bathroom of some shitty club on the last night of tour and cry to her about how I was sorry. "Fuck, please, listen to me!"

There was silence. I didn't know what she was doing. She could've been crying. She could've been staring blankly out the window, at the wall, wherever. She could've been smiling at me like I was a fool. She could've been doing so much.

"I love you," I said so softly I could barely hear it. "I really love you."

"Pete, I...I don't know what to do. You did some really horrible things. It hurt a lot. Why didn't you believe me?"

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. I stared up at the ceiling. Why didn't I believe her? I had no idea. "I guess...after you leaving after something happened between you and Jack...and seeing you disappear with Brendon all the time...it made sense. Alex made sense."

"Alex made sense? And your girlfriend?" She asked, obviously hurt. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. I didn't want this at all. "Your girlfriend didn't make sense at all? Wow, Pete. Fucking wow."

"Shit, no, okay. Listen. Fuck. No, please. I - I believe you! I do! I was just drunk at the time and...there was the picture. I didn't what was real and what wasn't. Jesus fucking Christ, Rae. What the hell do you want me to do to prove that I am sorry and that I still love you?" I asked, feeling sick. I was gonna throw up. If she didn't take me back, I think I was gonna throw up. My breathing was shallow. My heart was racing. My palms were sweaty. I couldn't think straight.

I was a fucking nervous wreck.

"Maybe we just need a little time off? Maybe...maybe being away from each other right now is for the best," She sighed, crushing my heart. "I'll go home and get my things. I'll - "

"You're not with Brendon, are you? This isn't a repeat of what happened before, is it?" I asked, my voice shaking so badly. I was about to cry. I felt the tears well up in my eyes. I blinked and the tears rolled down my cheeks. Shit. "Please, Rachel, don't do this to me."

"I'm not with him, no. I think I'm gonna go back to Chicago. You can come back to LA. I'll call you when I'm ready to talk it out, okay?" She said, her voice so full of hurt and pain. Fuck. No. She wasn't going to do this. No, no, no. "Bye, Pete."

"Wait, Rae, I love you."

She sighed and hung up. She didn't say she loved me back. I...My heart broke into a thousand pieces. She's never not returned an I love you.

I slammed my head back against the door, closing my eyes tight. I gripped my phone tightly in my hand. I thought I was gonna break it. My breathing was so shallow. It felt like I was going to pass out. I couldn't breathe.

I got up and walked over to the mirror. I stared at my reflection. I looked like complete shit. My hair was a mess, hanging in front of my eyes. My eyes...there was no light in them. They didn't shine anymore. There was nothing to make them shine. They were just empty.

The circles around my eyes were just umbrellas, catching every tear that fell, making me look worse and worse. I hadn't shaved in awhile. I had a little five-o-clock shadow. And it looked horrible.

I was upset. I was angry. I was hurt. I was empty. I was so much.

My heart was barely beating.

I gripped the edges of the sink so tightly my knuckles turned white. I grit my teeth and shut my eyes, trying to breathe right. A lump rose it's way up my throat. It was choking me. I was going to cry harder.

I shook my head and looked back at my reflection. I had no idea who the fuck was staring back at me. He was a stranger. A monster I hated.

I screamed out of anger, frustration, pain, every goddamn emotion in my body, and punched the mirror, shattering it and the monster staring back. Shards of glass littered the sink and the ground around my feet.

My fist was bleeding. I watched as the blood dripped down my knuckles. It ran over my tattoo. Rae's initials. I sighed and wiped the blood away with my thumb. That stupid tattoo.

I looked back at the mirror. It was broken, just like me.

There was a knock at the door. I broke my stare at the mirror and looked at the door, silently wishing they'd come in and save me from myself.

"Hello? Why the hell is the door locked?" A voice yelled over the music. I recognized it almost immediately. Alex.

I went over and unlocked the door. His eyes went wide when he saw me, "Pete. He-hey."

I didn't say anything. I just stared at him. He glanced over my shoulder, noticing the broken mirror. He looked back at me, then down at my hand, "Dude, you're bleeding...Uh, hey, Pete. You're bleeding. What the hell happened?"

I walked back over to the sink and he came in, shutting the door behind him. He locked it and walked over to the sink next to the one I was at. I stared at the broken mirror, shaking my head, "She's going back to Chicago."

"What? Fuck, Pete, I'm sorry. I told her to let you back in," He said, rubbing his face roughly. "Shit. She pushes everyone out."

"You talked to her?" I asked in complete disbelief. He talked to her. What if she wasn't going back to Chicago? What if she was going to Maryland? What if she and Alex were something? What if she just completely lied to me? "When?"

"Last night. I told her I was sorry. I told her to take you back. I told her that she pushes everyone away. I told her that's how she's gonna lose everyone who's ever loved her by doing that," He muttered, running his hand through his hair. "I told her everything she didn't want to hear."

I stared at him. He talked to her. She let him talk to her before she let me talk to her? What the actual fuck?

"I called her using Jack's phone. She didn't want to talk. But I told her I needed to tell her I was sorry and all that shit. I was going crazy. My guilt was eating me alive. It was torture, Pete. I just needed to tell her I was sorry," He said softly.

I nodded. I sort of understood where he was coming from. I was the same way. As much as I hated the kid, Alex and I were in the same goddamn boat. We were both in love with the same girl. We both messed up. We were both losing her.

But I was determined to fight harder for her than he was. I was going to get her back. I wasn't going to let him take her away from me.

"She's...She didn't say she loved me," I muttered, opening up to Alex. I slumped down against the wall of a stall. I sat on the floor, my head resting against the stall.

Alex walked over and slumped down next to me, "But she still loves you. She might not say it, but, goddammit, I know she does. She told me you are the only person she's ever loved."

I slowly looked over at him, "Really?"

"Yep," He nodded, shutting his eyes. "First day we talked. She told me you were the first person she ever fell in love with. It hurt hearing that, but, whatever. I know she's still in love with you. She can't fall out of love that quickly. Trust me, I know."

I let out a short laugh. I knew he was right. It wasn't easy to fall out of love. Love was like a black hole. It sucked you in and never let you go.

"Thanks, Alex," I said after a moment of silence, startling him. It was either because everything was silent. Or it was because I said thanks. I had a feeling it was the latter. "You want a drink? It's on me."

He looked at me with soft brown eyes that screamed 'Why are you being so nice?'

"Thanks for...talking, I guess. Believe it or not, this actually made me feel a little - and I mean little - better," I explained myself. I never opened up to anyone. It felt weird opening up to the guy that destroyed my relationship. But, at the same time, it didn't. "Really, Alex, thanks."

"You're welcome, Pete," He smiled a bit. He got up and brushed himself off. "As Cobra says - Let's get wasted."

I chuckled and stood up after him. I glanced at my hand, sighing, "Yeah, I don't think so. I gotta get this taken care of."

"I'll go with you, dude. I got nothing better to do," He shrugged, offering a smile.

I returned the smile, "Thanks."