‹ Prequel: My Saving Grace
Status: INDEFINITE HIATUS

Four Years

44.

Rachel's POV

It had been a week. An awkward as fuck week.

While Pete and I did make up and get back together, it was still awkward. It was like we were walking on eggshells every time we talked. We didn't want to accidentally say something that set each other off. It was weird.

We slept on different sides of the bed. We didn't sleep together, tangled and wrapped up in each other.

I told him I loved him and kissed him when he came back, but that was it. It was so fucking awkward. The wounds were still open. The words he said to me replayed over and over in my head every time I looked at him. It was like a broken record hellbent on reminding me of the things he said.

I had the house to myself most days. Pete was busy doing things. I didn't know what. Alex stayed in California. He headed down to stay with Zack in Huntington Beach. We hung out sometimes.

I was sitting in my kitchen, alone once again. I missed how life used to be. I kept thinking back to before tour began. Pete and I were so damn happy.

In the blink of an eye, all of that was destroyed. We were awkward now. I wanted to change it. I really, really did.

I didn't know if I could though. When somethings broken, can you ever really fix it?

We'd done it before. We'd broken each other down, and built each other back up twice as strong. But we'd never said and done things as harsh as what we did this past time. This was the absolute worst thing we'd ever done.

I wouldn't wish this mess on any of my worst enemies. It was horrible. Did I still love him? Of course I did. Why did I feel so fucking different around him though? It didn't make any fucking sense.

I sighed and grabbed my phone off the counter in front of me, dialing Pete's number. I waited for him to answer.

I wanted to talk about this. I needed to get my thoughts out and into him. He'd think about it and we'd talk. He'd throw ideas at me about why we're slowly falling apart. We'd talk and think about how we could rebuild ourselves.

"Hey," Pete answered softly. "What's up?"

"We need to talk," I deadpanned. No bullshitting around. Get this shit out into the open. "Come home."

"Uh, I don't know if I can. I'm a little busy," He sighed. Oh.

"Okay. Your relationship isn't as important as what you're doing right now," I snapped harshly. Ouch. What the hell was that about? I didn't know myself anymore.

"Rae, come on, you know you're more important than whatever goes on in my life. Look, I'm out with Patrick. I'll be home as soon as I can," He replied, a slight edge to his voice. Shit.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, "God, I'm sorry. I really am. I'll see you when you get home."

"Yeah," He muttered and hung up on me.

Smooth, Rachel. Very smooth. Make him even more distant. Fucking great.

What if he wasn't with Patrick? What if he was with someone else? What if he was with a girl?

Oh, God. What the fuck am I doing to myself?

Pete isn't me. He didn't do the shit I did. He was faithful. I wasn't.

I groaned, grabbing the bottle of whiskey that was in front of me. I brought it to my lips and drank. I drank and drank, letting the liquid set my throat on fire on it's way down.

God. Drinking was no solution. Why was I doing this to myself?

I got my boyfriend back. I should've been happy! But I was still depressed.

Fuck that. I hated myself. I hurt Pete. He showed that. He was depressed. I was depressed. We hated ourselves. We loved each other.

We just didn't show it. We were still hurt.

I got up, grabbing my bottle, and walked into the living room. I plopped down onto the couch and wrapped myself up in a blanket.

I watched the TV that Pete left on. It was on some weird A&E show. I think it was Intervention. Hah. Ironic.

I drank more whiskey, snorting at the poor souls who were wasting away due to drugs. Stupid teenagers.

An hour later and the show was over. The girl went to rehab and got better. She looked better. That was nice.

My whiskey was almost gone. I was barely buzzed. Ugh. I needed more. A new episode came on. I definitely needed more.

As I was getting up to get myself another bottle of liquor, the door opened. Pete. I stared at him with the bottle in my hand. It had barely anything left in it.

His eyes widened, "That was a full bottle when I left this morning!"

"Whoops," I mumbled, shrugging my shoulders lazily. I walked into the kitchen, drinking the rest out of the bottle on the way there.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Pete sighed as he followed me into the kitchen. "I haven't seen you drink this much...ever! Why?"

"I miss you," I admitted softly. I set the bottle on the counter, avoiding eye contact. "I miss us."

"You miss...us?" He repeated, uncertain of what I was talking about. "What do you mean you miss us? We're...we're together. There's still an us."

"It's not the same!" I sighed melodramatically, slumping down in the chair at the counter. "We're different! We're not the fucking same."

"Yes we are," He replied, his voice slightly afraid. "We are. I swear, we are."

"No we're not. We're goddamn not. I fucking hate it. Fucking hate it," I muttered, playing with the empty bottle. I looked up at him. "We changed. Face it. We're different."

"Stop fucking saying that! We're not different. We're just...fuck. Okay. We're still the same. I'm not going to let one little fight ruin our relationship," He looked scared. Terrified he was going to lose me. He wasn't. "Shit, okay, no. We're not different. We've been through shit like this. We - "

"Pete, stop, calm down," I rolled my eyes. He was being ridiculous. I wasn't going to drop him on his ass just like that. We just got back together. That would've been such a shitty thing to do. Just dump him like that? No. "All I'm saying is that we're not like we were back in March."

He sighed in defeat, bowing his head, "I'm sorry. I don't know how to..." His head snapped up. His eyes were shining. He had a little grin on his face. That was his idea face. Usually that face led to bad ideas. "I got it! Let's go somewhere. Like...do you wanna go to Paris?"

"Did you just say Paris?" I asked, eyes wide. I did hear him correctly...correct? I heard Paris. Knowing him, he meant Paris, Texas. "What?"

"Yes, yes I did say Paris. Let's go. Come on. Just you and me in the most romantic city in the world," He smiled. "It'll be a nice little getaway. No one needs to know where we are and when we left."

I liked that idea. I liked the thought of just going away with Pete. We'd leave and just not give a fuck about the rest of the world. Maybe we'd come back together like we were.

I liked it. I was going to do it.

"When do we leave?"

***

Pete had been up all night looking for the best hotel and the best plane tickets and all of that fun stuff.

"Pete, come to bed," I whined from the doorway of his office. "Please."

He turned around in his chair, a big grin on his face, "I'm too happy to sleep."

"Aww, really? Why's that?" I smiled softly, walking in to the office. I sat on the little couch that I picked out for the office when we first moved in.

"Because the love of my life took me back and now we're going to Paris," He grinned, causing my smile to stretch to my ears. "How could I possibly be upset?"

"Dork," I laughed, ruffling his hair as he came and sat down to the right of me.

He rested his head on my shoulder and grabbed my hand. He started rubbing his thumb along the back of my hand, "Yeah, I know."

We sat in silence for what seemed like forever. I played with his hair with my right hand while he rubbed his initials on my left ring finger.

"So..." Pete started, breaking the silence.

"So...what?"

"I know I've been telling myself that I wanted to be kept in the dark, but I don't want to be in the dark anymore," He sighed, causing me to stop playing with his hair. I looked down at him. He was still sitting there with his head on my shoulder, staring straight ahead at the wall.

"What are you talking about...?" I asked slowly.

"Tell me everything I need to know. Bring the skeletons out of the closet. Tell me what happened on tour," He replied softly, his eyes floating up to meet mine. "Please?"

I sat there in shock for a moment. He really wanted to know everything that happened. Did I lie and tell him that it was just with Alex? Or did I tell him everything that happened with Jack?

Shit. I didn't want to bring the skeletons out of my closet. I wanted them to remain hidden forever. I didn't want to explain to Pete that I had cheated on him more than once on that tour. I didn't want to think of how unfaithful I had been.

I sighed, giving in, "Alright, fine. I slept with Jack twice. Alex once. And, contrary to popular belief, Brendon and I didn't do shit together. He was actually there to make sure that I didn't sleep with Jack again."

"You left after you slept with Jack a second time..." He said, mainly to himself. "Or was it after the first time?"

"Second time. Jack and I had a fight. I realized that there was a strong possibility that it could happen again. Like, when Jack and I were in high school, and we fought like that, we usually had some serious makeup sex. I didn't want that happening. So I just left," I confessed. God, I sounded like such a fucking whore.

Oh, wait, I was one.

Pete nodded his head slowly, "Okay. And Alex was a pity fuck, right? There were no feelings behind that whatsoever?"

"Correct."

"Okay, good."

"You know, most guys would hate me and never want anything to do with me again," I pointed out.

"Yeah, well, I'm not like most guys, now am I?" He asked, finally looking up at me. He had a small crooked grin on his face. Made my heart melt.

"True...most guys don't wear eyeliner and their girlfriends pants..." I joked.

He laughed and shoved me slightly, "That was a phase in - "

"Phase? You're still wearing my pants!" I laughed. "That's gotta be the longest goddamn phase ever."

"Shut up," He muttered as he got up from the couch. He went back to his desk and sat down in his big, comfy leather spinny chair.

I watched as he resumed whatever the fuck he was doing on his computer before I came in here. He had already gotten us the flight info and hotel info and all that crazy stuff. So he wasn't doing that.

"Pete?"

"Yeah?" He looked up from the screen, a little smile adorning his face.

"...What...what made you...not hate me after everything I did?" I asked, biting my lip a bit. I was genuinely curious as to why he didn't hate me. Like I said, any other guy would've hated me.

His smile fell and he looked sorta upset, "I...I uh, I could never hate you. I need you too much. It's impossible for me to live without you."

"Oh."

"Yeah, any other girl and I would've dumped her ass and written an entire album about her," He said, lifting the mood completely.

"Well thank you for not dumping my ass and writing an entire album about me," I smiled.

"No problem," He winked as I turned and walked out of the room.

I smiled to myself as I walked back to our room. We were coming back together.
♠ ♠ ♠
this is some shit. i apologize. seriously.

visions by bring me the horizon was the inspiration for this chapter. mhmm mhmm.

did you guys hear brendon is engaged!? i'm so happy for him!! :')<3

even though the part of me that still believes ryden existed is devastated. that part is screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! but yeah.

yeah that's the only thing interesting i have to talk about. okay.

thank yous and hugs go to-
We're-Only-Dreamers
Chachachloe
rivals are insane
peaceREB
AllTimeLowRavens
girl at the rockshow

thoughts?

night. x.