Just Come Running

March. The month that marked a whole 1 month for Sean and I dating. He seemed so happy about it that we spent most of the day in bed. What? Is there a better way to celebrate? Beth and Johnny were pre-warned not to return until this evening, and they’ve kept to their word, leaving Sean and I alone and with our privacy. But now he has to leave.

“So I’ll see you tomorrow?” Sean asked, biting his bottom lip as he leant against my doorframe.

I shook my head. “I’ve got an assignment due that I haven’t finished, I need to get that done,”

“Oh,” Sean frowned, “The day after then?”

“Sure, but not until after 6, I’ve got study group,” I nodded.

“After 6 it is then,” Sean said, although I could tell his smile was a little forced.

I never had to deal with drama like this with Tyler. I grabbed Sean’s hips and pulled him against my body, smiling down at him as he blushed.

“I’m sure the endless hours we spent fucking will last you until then. If not, jerk off to the memory of it,” I smirked, brushing the hair from his face.

“Do you have to be so crude?” Sean asked, wrinkling his nose.

“Hmm…yeah,” I grinned.

I’m getting back to the old me. The old me was crude, sarcastic and didn’t give a shit what anyone thought, so Sean will just have to deal with that.

“See you soon,” Sean giggled, pecking my lips.

I rolled my eyes and looped my hand behind his head, pulling him back towards me for a longer, deeper kiss. I smiled as Sean moaned softly, smiling even wider as I pulled away to his flushed face and lust-filled eyes.

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” I mused, raising an eyebrow.

Sean’s only leaving tonight because he has a sculpture to finish.

“I can think of a few places,” Sean murmured, running his hand down my thigh.

I grinned. “Someone’s getting corrupted,”

Sean blushed, his lust vanishing in favour of embarrassment, and he pecked my lips before backing away.

“I’ll call you,” he smiled.

I just nodded, watching him until I couldn’t see him anymore to close the door.

“Fuck,” I groaned.

Something isn’t right. I can’t put my finger on it, but fuck, something isn’t right here. Don’t get me wrong, Sean is pretty much the perfect boyfriend.

Attentive.
Sweet.
Charming.
Adorable.
Attractive.
Smart.
Creative…

Oh My Gosh. Sex. It’s the sex.

Fuck, why didn’t I realise this before? What isn’t right is the sex. The sex is good, don’t get me wrong. I love hearing his moans, groans and gasps. I love hearing him cry out my name. I love that he’s always willing to take. I love that he’s starting to try new things…

But the sex isn’t great. It isn’t amazing. It isn’t what I want it to be. There’s something missing, a spark almost. Like I don’t feel as alive as I could. Sean, oh Sean. What the fuck am I meant to do now? Fuck, why did I even think about this?! Now it’s going to be brought to the front of my mind whenever Sean and I have sex, and Lord only knows that won’t end well. Oh fuck, why did I have to think with my dick?!

With a growl I stormed back to my room and grabbed my cigarettes and lighter, opening the window before lighting one and taking a deep drag. Sex. Why does everything always boil down to sex? Another drag. Why do I have to ruin a perfectly good relationship with sex not being as good as I’m used to? Fuck. I’m sorry Sean. Another drag.

I lost track of time with all the self-loathing and anger coursing through my body, smoking cigarette after cigarette, until I reached for another one and there were none left. Fuck! I only bought this pack yesterday!

“Wow, something’s got you stressed,”

I snapped my head towards the door to see Beth standing there, her arms folded over her chest and an amused expression on her face. Well I’m glad someone’s finding this funny.

“I’m fine,” I muttered.

“Really? Because I’ve been standing right here for 15 minutes, and not only did you not notice me here but you angrily smoked your way through 10 cigarettes in that time. That’s excessive, even for you,” Beth said.

I hate it when she has a point.

“You wouldn’t understand,” I grumbled.

“Try me,” Beth shrugged.

“Ooh, what’s Beth trying? I want in!” Johnny said happily, stepping into the room.

He immediately grimaced at the smokescreen.

“Fuck, what’s wrong with you today? I thought it was meant to be a jubilant fuckathon?” Johnny coughed.

I groaned and ran my hands through my hair, wishing they would just disappear. Unfortunately, they didn’t.

“I just realised something about Sean that I really wish I hadn’t. It’s going to fuck up our relationship and I know it,” I sighed.

“What?” Beth frowned.

I looked between my two friends, just wanting the ground to swallow me whole.

“The sex is only good, not amazing. Not even great,” I finally mumbled.

“Wait, you’re pissed off because you’ve found a flaw in Sean?” Johnny asked.

“A flaw that’s a really big deal to me and I’m going to be thinking about it every fucking time I see him!” I growled.

Beth and Johnny’s frowns turned to shock when they realised just how serious I was being.

“Drew, you know you can’t say anything to Sean, right?” Beth said softly.

“He’s a fragile insecure enough person as it is, this would only make that worse,” Johnny added.

“I know I fucking can’t, okay? I know what he’s like, I am the one fucking him, no matter how ultimately unsatisfying it is. I really care for him, truly I do, but I just think this could be a major problem,” I said angrily.

“All you can do is try to work through it,” Beth said with a sad smile, “unless you think it’s a big enough problem for you to break-up with him,”

Of course I fucking don’t. I’m not that much of an asshole.

“Here,” Johnny said.

I frowned at him, but caught the small package he threw at me. 20 cigarettes. But…

“These aren’t even open,” I frowned.

“I’ll live. You look like you could use them more than me,” Johnny shrugged.

“Damn fucking right I could,” I grumbled, making them laugh.

“Open a window, yeah? I don’t want you choking to death in your sleep,” Beth said warmly.

“Yes mom,” I mocked.

Beth rolled her eyes but smiled as she left the room, Johnny following her, shutting the door behind them. I ripped the package open and pulled out a new cigarette, lighting it before lying on my bed. What I wouldn’t give for my day to start over. What I wouldn’t give to have never thought about the sex between Sean and I. But I can’t do that, so I’m just going to have to deal with it.

The question is, how?