Looking for the Words to Say

I pulled the 'borrowed' jacket tighter, I could still smell the cologne he always wore in the old worn fabric. This was one of those times when I wanted to bask in it most. I closed my eyes, the park bench finally warming up under me as I sat there, watching the people pass.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Hey, Will, it's me again. I, uhhh, just wanted to get together and talk...I realize that I'm probably the last person you want to see, or even talk to, but I would really like it if we did. Anyway, when you get this I would really like you to call me. I mean, you don't really have to, because I know we—anyway, just call, please. If you want.

I felt stupid after I left that message. I rambled when I got nervous often times, and then was no exception. I shivered once again, looking at the white-washed sky, feeling the frozen air bit at my pink cheeks.

He probably wouldn't call me back, we were over. I shouldn't have called. Shaking my head at myself, I got up and walked the short walk to my house.

It had been about two months since Will and I ended it, and honestly, I didn't really know why we did. All I remember is this big fight, and then crying myself to sleep for the next two nights. It still pained me to think that he could have found another girl already.

I lied and said I had found another guy and we had been on a couple dates, to make it seem like the fact that we broke up hadn't tore me apart inside. William wasn't my first boyfriend, or even first love by any means, but he's the one that meant the most to me. My heart ached in longing when I thought of the nights we spent together in each others arms, sometimes just to sleep and sometimes more intimately.

Throwing my keys haphazardly on the stand in the foyer to my apartment, I sighed, kicking snow off my boots before sauntering in my room to change.

Will and I dated for almost four years, the fourth anniversary would be on New Year's Eve, just moments before midnight.

I shivered heavily in my thin jacket and slinky black dress, knowing I should have worn something more weather appropriate. Then again, I hadn't planned on being outside, waiting for the fireworks to start with one of my oldest friends, either. I planned on staying inside the warm house, watching out the window.

But Bill insisted that it was better to hear the almost deafening explosions than the muffled ones inside. “You cold?” He asked, shrugging off his coat and holding it out for me. He was smart and had another thick sweater underneath. Chicago was always so cold during the winter.

I accepted the coat thankfully, snuggling into the warmth and smell of his cologne. “You know, Blair, I always thought you were beautiful.” He said casually, looking at the sky still. My heart started hammering in my chest, breath hitching. And, suddenly in the circle of his warmth from the coat, I felt hot. Very very hot, and I knew my face was red.

“W-what?” I stuttered, my breath coming out in white puffs.

“I've always liked you, but you never seemed to be interested...” He confessed, the host of the party, one of his friends, yelled that there was one minute until the new year.

“I've always been interested.” I blurted, eyes growing wide as I realized what I had said. His smile widened, showing his teeth, and he finally locked his brown eyes to my green ones.

“Then, let's make a New Year's Resolution,” He started, taking my hand. My hands were pink with cold, my cheeks from slight embarrassment and excitement. “Actually, more like a change.” He corrected himself thoughtfully, and kissed the knuckles of my hand.

My heart sped up to the point I thought it might soon give out from exhaustion. “Yeah?” I whispered, butterflies pounding away at the walls of my stomach, trying to break free.

“TEN!” The crowd started the countdown, but I was barely paying attention, all that I could focus on were Bill and his dark brown eyes. They always reminded me of melted chocolate. Warm, soft, and oh so tempting.

By the time Will spoke again, seeming to snap out of his trance of staring in my eyes, the crowd was already at five, and I thought my lungs would explode from holding in all that air. “We should agree to be boyfriend and girlfriend.”

Even though I had always though the terms 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' were a little childish and weird, when he said them, they sounded perfect. “Of course.” I nodded, surprised I could talk at all.

“ONE!!!” A burst of explosions and bright sparks burst around us just as his lips hit mine. And, again, I wasn't paying any attention to that. Mainly because an even better fireworks display was playing out right behind my eyelids, bursting my world into color.

Reaching up on my tippy-toes to match his ridiculous height, I circled my arms around his neck as he tilted my head back to deepen the kiss. It was perfect, it was chaos, and I didn't want it to end. Especially not when his arms wrapped around me too, bringing more of the reassuring warmth with them.

Something wet splashed on the side of my face, and I jerked away from William, looking towards when the liquid had come from. Adam, commonly known as 'Sisky', stood beside us, champagne bottle still foaming, grinning like an idiot. “Finally! I thought you guys would ever admit it!”

That night, the one I treasured so much, suddenly meant nothing. Because it was gone now, and it wouldn't be like that anymore. And because of that, this month would be hard to bear.

It having just turned December first, I dreaded the holidays. Will and I had always celebrated them together, decorated the apartment together, baked sugar cookies together, ate gigantic meals together, and cuddled by the fireplace together.

Now, I didn't even feel like putting up a stinking tree. What was the point? I lived hundreds of miles from any of my family, I didn't have to seem festive for my nieces and nephews. My friends didn't really care whether or not I had holiday spirit.

I did it all with Will because it was fun and exciting, something that we always did together. And now that we weren't together, I didn't see the point.

The apartment still seemed empty, his clothes, excessive CD collection, band equipment, everything left of him was cleared out. Except his old jacket, laying on my bed at the moment.

I shook my head from all the thoughts and went to go into work. Just two days ago, I got promoted to editor of the paper, only the Sunday edition, and I was happy about it. I had wanted it for as long as I could remember working with them. But it wasn't the same as if Will were here to celebrate the feat with me.

Usually, with the paper I could just walk in whenever I wanted, because as long as I got my story done, there wasn't really much to do at the offices. But, having just turned the editor, that was something I was quickly learning I couldn't do.

Especially since I stayed until one making sure the paper got to the printers on time. And when I finally did make it home, I went straight to sleep.

When I woke up, after taking a shower and getting dressed before heading back into the kitchen.

My telephone's answering machine flashed red, I had one new message. Not really expecting much, I listened.

“Hey, Blair.” Bill's voice flooded my ears, “You're probably at work, huh? Well, I got your message. We're not actually home right now, but we will be in about two and a half weeks. It's a little too close to the holidays for my taste, but I'll deal.” He sounded cheery. Definitely what I was lacking. “You're welcome to call, but I know it's probably something we need to talk about in person...” He paused, his facade crumbling as the hurt seeped through his voice. “I miss you Blair-bear.”

Blair-bear

My heart was still flipping at his use of my old nickname a couple minutes after the machine beeped and asked me if I wanted to delete or save the message. I pressed the indicated button.

Message saved the automated female voice told me.